How To Respond To A Narcissist's Irrational Anger

Dated a guy whose religious book I started reading out of respect and attempt to connect in a meaningful way. When I asked one question he exploded in a serious of texts and wouldn't answer the phone when I called. He kept attacking me and putting words in my mouth. It's like he relished lashing out on me. No matter what I said he came down on me in a very hurtful way. Accused me of being a bigot. He was completely projecting his own fragile sense of self onto me. I put my foot down and wished him the best, but I'm not the person to be spoken to that way. Blocked him but he texted from another number a very hurtful message. Thank god it happened early on in speaking to him so I didn't waste any time any further. People with anger issues are hurtful and frightening. I hope to have better luck in the future.

keep your Cool

I wish you were my doctor. I need healing from my narcissist, especially now. I feel utterly defeated.

I’m 37 and my father has been in and out of my life, all my life. Even at like 8-10 years old, he’d bait me into an argument then snap and then cut us off and go years without talking. He not talks about those times as if WE cut him out. He would call up, scream a bunch of mean things and then hang up before you could respond. He picks and picks at my sister and i, never happy with us or where we are. He’s always angry. He also has horrible OCD to where you couldn’t even step on the rugs in his house. He’s insanely controlling, he expects everyone to go along with everything he wants, likes to do or prefers but he will bend for absolutely no one. He thinks he can buy us and immediately holds it over us or demands the stuff back the second we stand up for ourselves. He also refuses to accept gifts from us, I’m assuming because he doesn’t want anyone to have any control over him the way he does it others. So keeping up with his insane expectations are exhausting and the more I’ve tried to just get along , the more he expects it. What he wants is for us to fully submit to him. He cut out his entire family at a young age and lives alone. He’s constantly angry and envious of his boss and co workers as if everyone is stupid but him. I could maybe understand if he was successful but he’s not. Also, when he does snap, he goes 0-100! I hesitantly agreed to go on a fishing trip up north with him a few months ago, he got us 8 hours from home and fully at his mercy just to start a huge fight and attempt to grab my throat. Then when we started acting civil to get home, he immediately played the victim and moped and demanded an apology. It was unreal. He picks and picks until there’s a blowup and then Immediately twists things and demands an apology. It’s scary. He’s now in his 60’s and is only getting worse and more isolated. He wonders why we rarely invite him to our home but he just judges us and criticizes us, who would want someone like that in their home on a holiday?! I’ve recently cut off contact for my own sanity.

I am stuck in a rental apartment with an ex-boyfriend narcissist for the next 17 months.
Never in my 64 years have I witnessed a person with so much RAGE inside. He will explode at any conversation if it doesn’t go his way. Then he gaslights me.
I feel like he has a demon inside of him. It’s terrifying to me.
I’m trying to stay in my lane as you suggest. I’m silently planning for my departure when the lease is up.

Not gonna lie when the person NeXT to u lie time and time again u become irational and furrius

Anger is always irrational. Being angry is « not accepting what has happent ». It has happent so ignoring it is irrational.

Stay in my own lane!!! I have been speeding across all the lanes for years 😢

Thank you Dr. Carter !! Your videos were very helpful in my healing journey. I was able to understand my feelings and how to move forward without feeling that everything was wrong with me. I left an unhealthy relationship 4 years ago and have been enjoying my peace. ☺️

'Anger is not of the Lord!' .... I've had that stated to me by a NPD... BUT if you go back and read that scripture it says "Anger without just cause is not of the Lord!" We were not put on this earth to be abused or manipulated to anger to justify somebody else toxic mind set. But our anger... is based in self preservation... IF we manage ourselves correctly. And the best way to do that when dealing with a narc is to apply everything that DrC states here. ❤ thank you DrC.

Court next. Everything is documented.

It's terribly sad seeing in my adult brother who is a bully, the inability to change and grow because self reflection is too much of a threat to him. All 3 of us had the same parents. But me and my eldest brother are the only ones to have done any therapy. We're far from perfect but at least we questioned how we were living our relational lives, and wanted to learn and grow more positively.

Spot on - as usual. Your explanation of having a mind-set about how you want to live and present yourself just became abundantly clear to me. Fact is, I AM going to respond to a narc's irrational attack and if I don't have an idea about how I am going to actively respond, I will get caught up in the drama. Thanks so much Dr. Carter!

Thank You For 🔯
Your Service 🌞🌈
Allah Hu Shanti AUM

Oblivious is a word that describes the narcissist. They have no self awareness and no real understanding how their conduct affects those around them. The angrier they become, the more irrational they are. Mix in emotionally instability and the experiences are particularly challenging to negotiate.

Ya it's Flippin sad 😔

Year long relationship with narc gf breakup over me standing up for myself interpreted as controlling .

These people are irrational.

How can i give this a 1000 likes

What I've noticed is that I attract the attention of narcissists for the simple reason that I appear to be happy and together. The narcissists in question were two previous bosses and what they had in common was that they weren't the boss at home, captain of the ship etc but used their positions of power at work to seek a target they could manipulate and as I live alone and was dependent on the jobs for the wage, I was railroaded into being the classic people pleaser, perfect narcissistic fodder. Also I have a close relative who behaves in exactly the same way towards me. The first two I finally escaped through job changes but the third, having to tolerate her. They are deeply unhappy individuals with mundane home lives. I take comfort in the very real possibility that they're all jealous of me...

This may be the most helpful video. I have had such an impossible time with the IRRATIONALITY and my utter inability except in most rare circumstances to explain and use logic--- since I am generally very rational with literally years of teaching and study of all things in my background. What you have shown here, for me, is the utter impossibility of bridging the gap UNLESS she admits she is wrong and WANTS to change. nothing I can do, which is hard to accept, and I've been at this game now 13 years (since it started 11 years after our marriage, before which we never had an argument -- I now see why).

Indeed, it took me years to gain full control of my own anger. Oh, yes!! I definitely made a mistake when I thought it was maybe a good tactic to try to shame. I did it once only. definitely not a good idea at all. yikes.

My narcissist careless about how i feel unless in public or others might know or hear.

I just started listening to dr. Carter. A narcissist or mine looks like he could kill me with his eyes. Like he thinks rays will come out and kill me. I want therapy but can not afford it due to illness and isolation caused by n.

You are explaining what our inner self needs to hold on to in the face of a narcissist’s rage, but what do we say and do in the face of their rage? This is what I need help with. I am probably going to take one of your courses but I really hope the course gives advice about what to say and do.

Repeated affairs, secret friends, secret fancy trips…time after time after time

"Their goal is to make you feel weak and defeated." You give me strength with this information. Thank you. Hugs to Gus xxx

Probably the biggest key to figuring out narcissist way of thinking is they have everything scripted. They think they have it all figured out. They know what your thinking, they know what your about to say before you say it, they will speak over you or out of turn. THEY ARE IMPOSSIBLE,but don't worry everyone in public will also notice this about them. Don't feel alone in this.

As a narcissist, I resent this entire discussion. Narcissists are not irrational. We are self aware and calculated... AKA, INTELLIGENT! Also, I'm not afraid to show my emotions. Y'all are gonna make me throw a FIT!

Ultimately, narcissists are extremely insecure and everything they do all day long is an attempt to feel reassured and to try to feel better/good about themselves. They are absolutely desperate for this reassurance, precisely because of this deep self-loathing that they have, that they can´t get rid of, and which means that their self-esteem is zero.

Their need to control is a key part of this. Controlling others makes them feel a sense of power that they start to enjoy and crave and can make them exrremely cruel and completely lacking in empathy. In an attempt to hide their complete lack of self-esteem, they will bully others and behave in a domineering manner.

They believe that they have the right to control what you say, how you think, and what you do, and that everyone around them should be conforming to their way of thinking. This is why most of the time, the only way to cope is to either go along with them, agree, placate, comply, OR cut them off completely. There is no in between. The only option that will be healthy for yourself, will be to cut them off as soon as you are able to.

They will not change and they will cause you mental harm. These people are very sick. Yes, being logical and reasonable is the way to deal with them, but all you will get from them is more abuse and childish tantrums.

They are simply not capable of responding with maturity because these are adults who are completeley lacking in emotional maturity. They just never developed emotional maturity and probably never will be able to, because of some sort of disruption in their emotional development during their early childhood, often due to some kind of trauma and/or combined with their particular personality traits and genetics.

Personality disorders can be due in part to genetic factors and you can sometimes see identical narcissistic traits in a father and daughter, for example.

Watching these because my friend if 20 years is a big time narcissist. I've reached a point where I find him literally repulsive. Everything you speak of lines up with his behaviors.

Walk away. Don't look back.

"You're not allowed to have a voice" Bingo!!

You mention your link in each vid I watch but It never seems to be there.
Where do I find it?

Hello again Gus

My husband’s rage is completely predictable. All I have to do is speak to truth or answer a question honestly that he asks.
He’s going through serious health challenges and is 87 years old. He screamed at me, “You just want me to die!”. The next day he told me that his leg hurt and was cold so I said we should go to the ER. I felt the need to say, “Are these the actions of a person who wants you to die?”

It is sad, though, because this is no real relationship. 😢

What a great help this is to me! Ty!

The anger too often gets blame shifted. First thing that can happen is that a narcissist misconstrues one's total affront at their accusations as 'anger'. One can feel legitimately angry at being misinterpreted, because it is about standing up for oneself - which is everybody's right. But then comes their sweeping judgement that it's therefore your problem because of your response. I just love the logic there. Thank you for these wonderful videos.

My question is…. Can they ever get better?!

I love what you said, “ isn’t that sad” In talking about the narcissist. These videos are helping me in understanding my spouse and realizing I am not going to get through to him. Thank you.

As soon as I have anything which is about myself if I don't do what He says there is hell to pay. It's his way or the highway. Your info is so beneficial. I just found this info out. I've been married to this fool for 28 years of hell. But I'm learning boundaries. Thank you.

Thank you for these videos, really learning a lot from you. Def subed!

I need a tutorial for me to be able to help my 18 year old narcissist daughter. I'm not sure where her behavior came from

This is a great video! Thank you!!!!

Narcs don't like to be told the truth.

Had something recently which made me so angry but I didn't quite get why, I did manage it well but being a survivor of Narcisstic abuse from my family, I'm always very wary I'm seeing and hearing Narcs when there isn't any, up until recently. I have long hair as does my landlord who lives with us and my room mate, got "called" out for leaving the bathroom a mess as there was hair "everywhere" after I literally just cleaned it.

Roommate who was calling me out, said it in a really odd way where there was no emotion or conviction and repeated word for word what she sent to me in a private message, almost like reading a script. The rage only came when I asked "Do you think sometimes we have to clean up after you?" and she started screaming if I'm being passive aggressive and what did I mean by that.

The conversation was essentially "You're messy, I'm not. All of the hair is yours, not ours, you're digusting, selfish and you might not feel like cleaning because of your mental health but you have too."

Even though I always keep my place clean!

I feel Narcs will use Bathrooms and tidyness as a weapon as they'll construct a narrative that you're untidy and then when you do clean, they'll claim you didn't and they did it or they'll pick apart everything and find little things to blow up into drama.

Looking to move out of here asap, the landlady is either a Narc herself or a codependant. The Narc roommate is always love bombing her, telling her how amazing she is and how much she looks up to her and the landlord even chimed in. I know I'm not the most amazing, spotless, tidy person in the world but I can say for sure that I'm as tidy as they are.

Side note, my narc Father would always say the same, even though I would clean his house every sunday and do his his dishes. He would always find a reason why he couldn't help with the chores or why he couldn't do his own dishes and if I dared to say "No, I'm just doing my own dishes." he would claim I snapped at him.

Thank you Dr. Carter for all these answers on how to respond. This is Wisdom! Thank you so much, I am so encouraged and will have a better way of coping with a narc.

At least they can get angry if you don't have the same opinions as them, and don't participate in giving them constant attention, i.e. supporting their fragile egos. What annoys them? I guess it can basically be anything because of their irrational behavior, and that of course just adds up to their anger towards other people.

Well I'm sure U R NOT speaking about Covert narcs! They frustrate U, argue with U, disagree on everything almost & remain calm ,cool & collected while U R losing your shit because they drive U crazy with their monotone ,dull, drone sounding voice saying nothing relevant or saying exactly opposite from what U said. Often they turn everything U speak about to theirselves as well.
They R true crazy makers! No matter what U R doing or speaking about they keep their voice at a low monotone level never ever raising it or getting angry about anything. They do everything that drives U up a wall till U R the 1 raising your voice & yelling at them for whatever they do, say or don't do or deliberately do it wrong. They play dumb or like they can't find something U R pointing at.
It is all they do to make U the 1 who is the screaming out of control off the wall raging. They drive U out of your mind!
I have to leave my own home just to not start yelling a him.
He will even say things like stay calm or calm down to deliberately make me get more stressed & upset!
It's part of their game to get all they feel but, can't express via U. U give them rage, frustration etc. they keep locked up in their body. U express all they can't express.

On the other hand the grandiose narc is the 1 who does Narc Rage! They blow up over a very small unimportant thing.
I have a few of those in my life as well.
I must B a Super Empath to attract these assorted Narcs into my life.
I try to use them to my advantage. Most thank goodness R not around much or ever anyone I am really close to because they keep everything about their personal life to themselves.
My Covert Narc has no friends.I do NOT even consider myself his friend yet I know him over 10 yrs.
I could NOT B friends with someone like him. He drives me nuts with give him an inch & he takes a mile.
He talks constantly in that low monotone droning voice about stuff I have no idea what he is speaking about.
He just likes to hear himself talk.
He is homeless more than 10yrs. he gets an EBT card, but claims it got broken & hasn't received a replacement card. he claims he hasn't applied for a welfare check so he get everything & I mean everything for free from St. Josephs in Venice,Ca.
He says dumb things like he only eats 1 meal a day, yet in the 10 yrs. I know him he went from maybe 175 lbs at 6 ft 3" tall to I'd say about 250ty or more lbs..

He snacks all day, but only eats 1 meal day. 
Somehow he believes he isn't eating much each day. if U snack all day & eat 1 meal of enough food to feed 4 people, you R eating tons of food!!
When he helps me life heavy thing or too high things for me he eats in 1sitting enough food to feed 4 people!!
He always asks for something to drink the minute he arrives after he has fiddled with his heavy bags, plugs his pad into my outlets without my permission or asking if he could & hangs his wet dirty socks & shirts on my screen door also with asking my permission to do so. So entitled!! Also crossing my binderies all the time with an excuse or his sick explanation!
He smokes his E-cig on the property when I told him NO smoking on the property. Smoke in the sidewalk in front of the bldg. or in the alley behind the bldg. He walks to the end off the walkway to the alley but doesn't go through the gate & smoke there on the property. I see him & tell him no smoking on the property. he says he isn't on the property.
A neighbor saw him as I was saying," No smoking on the property" 
He started to tell her he sleeps on my floor. I stopped him by repeating my information. After the neighbor went into her apt. I asked him why he was going to tell her that information. He says & this made me so angry. "I was just being honest"!!
I can't trust him at all! He has no social awaremess of social etiquette!
He does shit like that on purpose knowing it will upset me.
I thought to myself well if U wish to B honest why not tell my neighbors U R homeless, sleep on the street in Venice maybe jerk off all the time. That is being honest. Right??
He has a very illogical mind. I am assuming that is a common issues with Narcs. Right??
Anyhow these kind of Narcs don't have any visible rage.They push your buttons until U give them your rage which is how they get their rage!
They R way worse then the other types of Narcs in my humble opinion. But lucky me I know at least 4 Narcs now. Maybe 5 to B exact..
Why do I have so many in my life??