How to Complain Without Hurting Your Partner | Dr. Julie Gottman | Relationship Advice

This is Non-Violent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg.

And it is wonderful.

There is no such thing as (too needy)

Arigato

Amen from taiwan 🙌

Wonderful stuff. Simple to say, hard to do. Like everything, this has to be practiced until it becomes 2nd nature. I really love the part about not blaming your spouse. The blame game is so toxic.

Yeah, but some ppl will still take it very personal. I met a girl, cute and well meaning as hell, but super susceptible, and would take everything personal.

Even if I'd talk about my feelings she'd say, I would only prioritize my feelings, and she'd always find a way to find the negative in some way.

I had to end the relationship, because I was constantly walking on egg shells, and I have quite the sense of humour, I need someone with a sense of self derision.

Then again, she had going childhood, her mother, never met her, but seems like a horrible narcissist, so she probably has a lot of childhood trauma, still, I can't deal with someone who gets triggered by EVERYTHING. So I said, bye.

There is such a thing as being too needy. At some point you have to be able to fend for yourself.

How to effectively complain about his habit to text his girl friend (not necessarily lover) about our fight? No matter what this gonna lead to a fight.

I'm disabled and get anxiety when my husband slacks off on house or yard. Any ideas?

This was great 😃! Ive heard ppl tslking abkut using i statements and not accusing but ive never quite understood until now .... Will give a yry and see if it works lol

Thanks!

Yes, I am needed, but I find it very difficult to put into words.
Do you mean my partner doesn't know what is needed by the preceding conversation. You're telling me that my partner can not read minds by what has been said.

“ in this culture” - which culture/s ? Cultures are not monolithic, no? What cultures are function differently ( from N. American culture/s - for the sake of this discussion, tho there are many not only one) and what are they?

Oh my word! The Gottmans are so amazing!! Everything we've learned about what is right in our marriage is supported in their reasearch@@

I do 1, 2 & 3 and what do I get in return:

"well aren't you Mr Perfect"

The advice given is simple and dare I say Pollyannish because it doesn't address the absolute minefield that many people have to navigate in their spousal relationship.

Feeling
Situation
Action

I dispute the notion that there is nobody who is too needy, but I strongly agree with Dr. Gottman on all other points.

Any advice on how to do that when the thing you're taking issue with is more personal and doesn't have an obvious outside "thing" like the trash not being taken out?

Like, say the issue is that things sometimes seem like a competition between you and your SO on who can be correct the most often. So you say something like "I feel frustrated because sometimes things seem competitive between us". That follows the first two rules, but they're going to want to know specifically what things they do or say that makes you feel like that.

When it gets there, how do you avoid accusing them? If you want to express "sometimes it seems like whenever I try to say something, you try to point out what's wrong with it and correct me. It'd mean a lot to me if things were more often phrased like 'I see your point, but consider this too-' instead of 'well actually you're wrong, here's why'."...how do you get that idea across without being accusatory and triggering defensiveness?

Getting your spouse to not get offended no matter how you say stuff is the miracle I’m looking for 😩 Leo’s take everything personal .

Yep feathers ruffled ✌️🧐🙃😁🤝😄😃😀❤️🇵🇷✌️

How would you describe the fact " that our partner is not paying attention or is not communicating enough?

Also, my parter immidiayely feels guilty. He always hear something about him even if i never said "you" :(

Rosenberg.. Nonviolent comunikation :)

Thank you

Ok> I'm upset that I was interrupted. I need you to let me finish.
Spouse - "But you were wrong."

Im going to use this with my siblings. I honestly think that this is good advice for any type of relationship. I want us to be more respectful and understanding to one another.

I dont necessarily have a bad relationship with my parents, but my parents barely talk to one another (caused by years of bad communication and a huge fight), its been going on for years now, and overtime i feel that my relationship with each of them is weakening. Now I'm searching everywhere: how do you get your parents to want to fix their relationship?

Great talk with valid points but how does an infant dies if kept isolated with his basic needs provided ( food/ water)?

💯👍

Relationships have deeper issues than "putting out the garbage" etc. Problems exist when someone is not being loved and when he/she is walked over and not cared for. You cant make the other person care. And it's rare finding other options !

I AM upset (1).. about what (2) (about facts/ not a person: garbage hasn't been taken out/ not: cause you are lazy)... what I need from you (3) ( I need you to take the garbade)

Don't blame, but focus on what you think is missing, and say you would want that

Condemn the sin and not the sinner.

I would not have enough time to do homework.
Can we do this later?

Basic trick is not to mention "you", and blame, but point out the bad situation.

Some people are too needy though 🤷🏾‍♂️

My SO and I have two problems with this technique. One is that when I ask her to follow the complaint formula, she feels I'm too legalistic and gets visibly frustrated and that breaks down the communications between us. The second problem is that she perceives my complaints expressed in the way recommended as criticisms of her. Has anyone else had problems like this when trying out the complaint v. Criticism technique?

Honest question: What do you do when you share complaints in this manner and it still falls on defensive, deaf ears? Love them anyway? Ok, great.......HOW?

1 - Use "I" statements. 2 - Complain about "what"...complain about the "thing" and not each other. 3 - Effectively communicate what you need/explain how your spouse can be your hero.

wow I love this

I'm surprised at the lack of comments on this post and the lack of responses.

Another affirmation of Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication model

I love listening to this lady talk.

as a person with empathy for females who are born and raised in their "female" roles and passion for gender equality, i think this video is on the RIGHT track for (domestic, social, and world) peace. I have been bringing up gender equality in my family a lot but my needs are usually overruled, my voice just heard as rebellious complaints. Is there a stronger more effective way than this to express very, very controversial needs?

Directing the complaint towards the situation rather than your partner always works. Remember, condemn the sin and not the sinner. And at the end, say what can be done to make things right.

Also, maybe communication is like painting a picture, you might put on some vague general background colour / wash before adding detail. So to, my first comment might be vague and generalized but afterwards I try to correct it. Maybe it would be a barren world with all the slander and vulgar and crude censored. I am not excusing actual abuse though. I wish everyone would aim to live by the 7 principles. It is just that in the heat of the argument it is easy to speak rubbish

I have just read through The 7 Principles for making marriage work. There are a lot of good points in there. I wonder if a key point is to interpret whatever has been said into the best way it could have been said, so in a way it doesn't matter what either side says if they are focussed on the ideal. If my partner says something insulting or nasty I put it in my mind into the kind or polite comment. I'm disappointed they didn't score but i understand the difficulties

I have a question though, what do you do when you've that and your feelings are just ignored and disregarded? I'm kind of stuck in some what of a relationship with this person so at the very least I'd like to co-operate with them.