How to deal with toxic family relationships | Johnson Chong | TEDxRolandPark

Renegotiation didn't work for me. Whenever it's my turn to explain myself, my narcissist mother always interrupt me and my father doesn't even tried to understand me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! It helps me to get the last push of courage to address my perverse narcissistic mother and sister. I might loose all my family but the struggle isn't worth. I want to choose LIFE. Wonderful speech!!!!!

lol if my mom would even talk to me about emotions at all, i would try these tactics

what iif you are stiill financially reliant on them...

I love this message. It really got me in a very deep and meaningful way. But, how am I suppose to live my life if I am an only child and the caregiver of my parents. It is extremely difficult to renegotiate when you realize that leaving (if they don't agree) is not an option because no one will care for them

Johnson, I accept you, baby!!!!!! If your father does not, it will be ok eventually..... you are simply adorable. damn!!!! lol

The sad thing is we on a mission to strive in order to please our parents , one day when they gone we end up being miserable & living with regrets.

I experienced long-term emotional and mental abuse from my mother and aunt..Counselling is never enough...I need justice...

Doesn’t work on narcissists unfortunately.

Be who you are, free and never let culture or society reduce your self worth in any shape or form.
You are loved infinitely by God.
That I know after many extraordinary life changing experiences...

For even the first step to work your family has to even be willing to sit and talk, let alone listen. I'm glad this worked for him and maybe for others but certainly not for me.

wonderful video !
a very very important video for some depressed people in the life

People spend time to learn with a person who has no sense of life direction sad

Thanks my man, such a great speech, took notes, appreciate it!

Oh my gosh this was amazing. Thank you.

What do you do if a relative is a serial liar and continues to demand your mom thousands of dollars a month to help pay his debts through lies and manipulation? Do you confront/ expose him?

It is really sad that he did not receive the support of his parents even after using the 5 steps approach. I really do not like Asian parents micromanaging their child like assets and investments. Treating them merely as a sole tool and discard them when they see fit. Asian parents manipulate their children to fit their ideal and narcissistic views but never once know what their child really wanted. Imposing such abusive behaviours on their own child is truly unhealthy and selfish. As parents, we should never stick so low to their level. We can learn from Johnson's case here.

If anybody can help I need more than just advice but how do I deal with my dysfunction family it’s made my life so miserable and just depressing please I been dealing with how to handle it and it’s just emotionally exhausting & mentally exhausting?

🌻

if he was in Thailand Philippines
seats would have been sold out
his mom and dad loves him still

Thank you for this. I feel so much better

I have very toxic family relationships. When we have to meet for funerals etc. I still stress out despite trying to stay calm and ask the calm questions. Dealing with gaslighting siblings is like training for a marathon, you have to prepare for the event. Anyone got any shortcuts apart from just not going?

I never ever in my life felt so much pain from family hurt,rejection and isolation. My family hurt me last year,believed something I never did and when the truth came out they tried to come back into my life but them not believing me the first time was the deepest cut through my heart.

Thank you for this talk. Something that I really needed.

Beautiful human being

because dummy, you should respect your parents

When conflict enters the picture, why does our perception of life shrink and narrow into selfishness?

Here's the thing about conflict and the discussion of it and its message across the internet:

NOBODY CARES HOW YOU FEEL AS WE ALL HAVE OWN FAIR SHARE OF PROBLEMS!!!

This is how u really do it you tell them to go F$&@ themselves and move on

My family cannot have a simple conversation ever. I can’t even complete a sentence a thought Frustrating and hostile negative environment and I can’t budge for the sake of simple inheritance going up in smoke. I deal with senseless selfish narcissistic family daily.

What happens when copies are not given to the signer? People don't owe anything. This is a dream world.

I can never deal with my family, I always forgive them and I love them and care about them more than myself, and I always cry because of them from the age of five, and I just want to get away from them in any way, they chose to take care of my brother only, I hate them all, they literally ruined my life

Just adding my two cents also verified by several counselors who are well trained in how to communicate with narcissists. Very little can be negotiated with or properly communicated with regarding narcissists. They tend to pretend they will keep whatever part of written or unwritten relationship contracts that seem very reasonable and fair then they (mostly) either deny agreeing to certain agreements that were/are best for the whole family just bc of a change in mood/wanting control again or they make up excuses/lies about why it's justified for them to not keep their word later even if their 'reasons' are not logical, truthful or loving.

I used these steps and my parents opted out and no contact since. I grieved them and now they are trying to wrestle in on the condition that I take responsibility for their actions, my parents chose themselves and walked away. Truly awful but I was at peace now they are wanting communication but the fine print is still toxic

I have been estranged from my parents for 6 years, they made me homeless 9 months after I had a horrific nervous breakdown that left me temporarily paralysed and with seizures because I disagreed with my mother about a minor issue. We literally arrived home after a vacation and my father took me to the homeless shelter, I became v ill after 6 spinal ops and my mother refused to visit me in hospital regardless of the severity of injury or how life threatening, and when I couldn’t reconcile her no hospital policy when I was critically sick, unable to dress, wash or feed myself they opted out of visiting me. Silence since then. Now my sister has asked to sweep the past aside and be friends, which I am trying as she is less at fault but now my parents want to begin a relationship with coffee and cake but no chat about the past. I just can’t do it and I feel awful, but I don’t like them as people, and their actions have isolated me at a time when I needed support. Any tips on how and what to do?

What do you do when your family member does not let you complete step two? When they don’t even allow you to finish telling them how you feel?

No such thing as a “non dysfunctional” family (or society such as US.)
All a matter of degree.
Sad thing about much of this is that so much cultural heritage is lost with this sort of totalist decision.
Read Turgeneev’s Fathers & Sons, Tolstoys “Anna Karenina”, Dostoevsky “The Brothers Karamazov” (read not film)
None of this is new it’s archetypal.
Not sure “contract” in a relationship is ever a good idea. Agreements & each having boundaries is.
Usually, contracts are made so both parties hve a win:win legally. Interesting that fact was omitted.

Oh well, no heritage to draw upon later or down the track, legacy (the societal contract for thousands of years had been “adults are there for the vulnerable” ie they look after children, the elderly & disabled)
Methinks there’ll be a
lot of moaning in a few years time about how people “missed out” on any financial legacy.

And that’s ok. Part of any contract is win:win, reward for investment. Nothing in a contract has an entitlement clause.

This didn't sound like a negotiation with a vision of reaching agreeable terms. It started with a contract issued by his family that he felt was unfair, and he countered with a contract that his father probably felt was unfair- at least in the way it was phrased. Then it ended. No further negotiations. It seemed that a part of his proposed contract would require his father to support his lifestyle in order to be a part of his life. I believe that is a dangerous clause in any social contract, because it draws hard lines between people based on ideologies that can no longer be crossed. How can change to an ideology ever be expected when one refuses to interact based on ideology alone? It is important for people in your circle to be able to oppose and not support you in things even if you're right or it wasn't your choice for things to be the way they are. It challenges your views (that's good as long as it's not abusive), and opens the door to conversation and real change.

This sounded more like ultimatums countered with an opposing ultimatum which is almost inevitably going to lead to a "breakup"

This has resonated to me so much that I have watched this over two or three times.

So good

Excellent I am adding this video to my psycho educational seminar at the treatment center I work at-Thanks Johnson!

Rejected by my family for being different! How to deal with this when I am all alone? I just feel miserable and sometimes think about dying, but then I tell myself that this is not what I deserve.

Beautifully presented. For years, being a sounding board for various popular musicians being ostracized by their dearest loved ones - my couch was always available as their place to escape to and survive turmoil - and talk about it if they felt the need. Your presentation carefully equipped me to draw new parameters in what had been happening in most of my life as well. Thank you, very much, for your words, bravery, and a thoughtful strategy to build healthier boundaries. 👏

This is an incredible ted talk.... Well done

🙌🥊☯️🛐☯️🥊🙌🗝

This is one of the best TED talks I have listened to this far. Thank you for your thoughout delivery and excellent presentation.

Thank you. This is such a difficult topic but you beautiful spoken about it.

My family dont talk you have something thats missing here they just yell or hit me

Let's not forget they'll break the "contract" at least 1000 times.