3 Tactics of Controlling Parents ... and Ways to Handle and Heal

How do you handle a parent that exhibit all three tactics as I have

I was finally fulfilling my dream of pursuing an MBA that I wanted to do years back but couldn’t do because my parents were raising their daughters to get married, and become housewives. I did not take a single penny from my parents for my MBA education and I didn’t inform them when I was preparing myself for the GMAT exam, because I knew that they would discourage me. Finally when I got myself into the MBA program at a good US MBA school, I informed my parents and my parents’ first reaction was what was the use of my pursuing higher education, and that I better stay as a housewife. I cut all my contacts with my parents after that, and I did not talk to them in last eight years. Parents who try to control their children from going ahead in life because of their backdated mindset deserve all the pain when their adult children finally stand up for themselves.

Thank you so much! Your advice is brilliant, and I will continue using these tactics with my family.

Thank you for this, it really helped! I just got into a big fight with my mum and now she is giving me the silent treatment. I made a request to change a habit i don’t like around the house and she just snapped and called me egotistical and exaggerated and cocky. I’m fighting the urge to reach out to her but the guilt-tripping runs strong in my upbringing.

So here is the thing I have been dealing with a controlling mother since a kid she’s never allowed me to have freedom I have no friends because of her relationships have never worked out because of her everything I do she has to have a say everywhere I go she has to come and if I tell her I don’t want you to come it ends in a abusive argument if I go for a sun bed she’s there if I go for a walk she’s there if I go to the hairdressers she’s there if I get my nails done she’s there if I go on a date she comes if I go shopping she has to be there even if I go church she comes if I tell her not to she threatens to make me homeless gets abusive starts shouting and screaming to the point neighbours have heard she calls me nasty names I have currently met someone and she came on the date told me I’m a cunt if I don’t allow her to come and I can move out anyway she came because I didn’t have a choice he didn’t say anything about her coming I haven’t told him what’s been going on but she saying his weird his no good she says this about everyone I meet even with friends if I made friends at college or even I went to university she would say there using you ect and tell me I’m not allowed to go out with them unless I invite her she tried to do this to my sister but my sister left home at a young age 14 to precise the only time she don’t come with me is when I’m with my sister because my sister tells her about her self because she went through it as a kid and she’s more thick skin but again my mother she says stuff like I won’t speak to use again ect she don’t realise the effect she has had on me I have felt lonely sad isolated and even suicidal because of her even as a adult I tell her to stop she tells me to go to my room and stay there I’m 27 I’m not financially stable but I’m looking to move out shes made me feel like I need to depend on her forever when I was 22 I told her I am sick of this I am going to meet my friend without you she slapped my face took my phone off me locked the doors and widows and told me I’m going no where unless she’s allowed to come she has been diagnosed with mental health and she’s suffered a lot of trauma growing up but I can’t take this no more and I’m starting to realise she’s toxic and controlling and I fact I need I need to move out and cut her off if any one else going through the same your not alone it’s a hard situation I have been in and still in but Im going to get myself out 🙏

Currently dealing with this right now with my mom

Fantastic. First few minutes your straight to the heart of the issue. A little boy sged 4 is enduring his new step father with OCD who is controlling his every move..his every breath..his every thought. Little boy has told us voluntarily "he doesnt like Haley" his step fathers nickname. Toxic conyrolling parenting.

My parents are like this. Gosh. Im 31 and its STILL GOING ON

i hope i never meet my family ever again. Id rather kill myself than meet them again.

If you take control and they cant control you anymore they will cut you out…. They will also try to pull other family members away from you, its pretty F’ed up really

My dad takes the controlling tone, lectures me when I call him on his behavior; he acts as if he can take the belt to me or verbally shut me down. It is humiliating. I do not deserve this. I am 59 now. I wish he would man up, grow up and shut up! I did nothing to bring on the abuse.

Listening to this video has been an eye-opener. I always find myself in a vicious cycle with my parents, knowing their ways were toxic but still trying to give them grace , even if that meant damaging myself further .I'm ready to stop playing games with myself and heal. I'm riddled with low self esteem, anxiety and I struggle with bouts of depression. It's time I start focusing on me now.

Thank you for making this video.

I guess there is strategy 5 where the parent emotionally blackmail the child by crying and not letting them go.

I am 26 and i am helpless. I thought it would get better once i get a job but it has only got worse.
She reminds me how i have been selfish and isnt helping her with my salary. I cry now and then.
And she doesnt even let me go to my friend's place even i am 26 now. This is so heartbreaking and sad for my dreams and plans are now all crushed.

I don't understand how someone could use these tactics. I would only be able to do that if I hated the person I'm doing it to. I could never manipulate someone I love.

Thank you for this video. My mother is so controlling and overbearing and that brought me here tonight. I’m a recovering addict and have Bipolar disorder and PTSD. I understand maybe some of what she may feel because of that. For many years being addicted and unstable with my meds she had to make a lot of decisions and pull me out of a lot of bad situations. I was involved in human trafficking in 2018 and she got worse after that at being controlling when I returned. Now I’m sober and stable on meds and I cannot breathe. She basically trust me with no decisions of my own and I live alone and have most of my life. I’m in my 30s. I just don’t know what to do at this point so this helped. Tonight, I blocked her. I want to have a relationship with her, but when we talk I get so upset from feeling anger to being emotional because she is so controlling. I will be fine before we speak and I hang up all distraught emotionally. Then I have been catching her in so many lies when we speak. The lies are so triggering for me. I cannot stand to be lied to. I’m a believer and I’m trying to process this and work through this with God as well as how I should handle her but it’s so overwhelming. She brings out such a horrible side of me and I don’t want that side of me to come out. I don’t know what else to do but to limit contact. I subscribed to your channel and hope to hear more videos.

My mother was a religious nut who really wanted to control everything about me. When you’re in the midst of it, you as a child and even adult child don’t understand what’s happening. It’s difficult to accept your parent is just plain nuts, and is self serving. She freaked out when I dyed my hair and pierced my ears. Absolutely freaked out! “Sex is a SIN!” She thought I was going to be a minister’s wife and learn to entertain. This is all mental illness and need to control.
I basically kept my distance. She’s been dead for many years, and I don’t miss the horrors she imposed on me. But I’ll never be completely well myself. Fortunately I have made my own way, and live how I choose. I’m an atheist, with pink hair, and a second piercing. I’m everything she hated, which makes me proud.

I cannot agree to tell your controlling parent that his/her words are hurtful. That is what they want. Just go no contact and don't give them the strength and pleasure of knowing you are hurt by their words.

My MIL is a narcissist who totally controlled my husband, and still does to this day and she is 97. He never would stand up to her and her undermining of me and our marriage. Believe me, they never change when they have the constant need to please the parent.
He agreed to go to counseling with me, but stopped going when the therapist was getting too close to his problem.
Needless to say, we are not together anymore.

I have been through controlling parents for 40 years and all those times, I was intensely planted guilt and fear. I know something is not right but I dont have time to think to myself until this recent that I jumped out of my parents premises.

I am now aware of all what I have been through and the damage has been done.

Anyway, I have tried to work things out with my parents bc I wont want to go no contact. Unfortunately, they totally dont hear me out and leave me with no choice😓😓

Yeah I’ve had all of this. I’m 52 and only just starting to get boundaries that land. My mother is just toxic.

If you got something exciting to share, don't share with those negative bullies,as so-called as "parents ".
Share your exciting news with someone else you respect .
:-0

im really thankful for this video it helped me a lot thank u again

I’m 23 years old and my mom is controlling telling my father not to do a certain task to help me cuz I’m refusing a therapist smh for her to guide me to get my life in order smh she stopped him from getting me a car because I wouldn’t seek therapy 💔 so now I’m still down and have to struggle and pick myself up

My parents constantly discouraged me from moving abroad even though it's been my dream since high school and now I'm 26 and working towards that dream day by day and about a few months ago my dad shouted at me after hearing about my plans of studying in Germany, he cut it off completely and told me to "forget about it" and he still keeps actively ignoring that and gives suggestions to find a permanent job in our city. I'm saving up all on my own to be able to fulfill that goal with zero support from them even though they have the financial ability to back me up to make it easier for me. I feel so stressed and worried that my dad will try to stop me from achieving this dream. It's life or death situation for me because I am so unhappy in this country and the mentality of the people etc.

68 years I've dealt with it! What helps is knowing which Gaslighting Tactic she's using. "Oh that was devaluating" "Oh, that was scapegoating" "Oh that was distortion of reality"

I am almost forty and was raised in a Southern Baptist church as a preacher's kid. In college my mom would call on Sundays and if I wasn't at a church service she threatened to cancel the insurance she was paying. That was the only thing they helped with in college. Anyway I currently go to a church but it is very different and has a woman pastor who only preaches every few weeks... but when they came to visit us a few weeks ago and I knew she was coming to church I started panicking and was so scared for days because I knew she wouldn't approve. When I told her my family was moving out of state she starting sharing listings of homes in her neighborhood and gave major guilt trips. She also didn't help watch my kids or pack with me during the moving process even. Anyway this may seem petty but moving has been awesome and it was so nice to make an adult decision based on what I wanted.

Your parents cannot control you when you go to the toilet and shit!

You cannot bring your parents while shitting! It’s called privacy!!!!

i've gotten to the point where i literally just dont care about anything, i'm just done being controlled.

What if this toxic parent shows up to your house without telling you and you haven't invited them. They've done this before and they probably will do it again. It's stalking at this point.

Thank you

I’ve brought up my abuse with my mom (because my dad left my life last year since he said I was burden) and I even said “I understand you did the best you could with what you had.” And she completely ignored me. She also keeps playing the victim. When I was in ED treatment (because my mom made fun of my weight even though I was very underweight) she called me closed minded because I’m a liberal, and so I said it’s best we not talk for the remainder of my treatment, and then she threatened to k*ll herself. This is so shitty. I’m moving 5 hours away by the end of this year. Can’t take it anymore

I had a lot of disrespect, no listening , had to go no contact and wish I'd done it earlier

I am pretty sure I’ll give my kids what they deserve I’ll never give my kids my life to suffer like me I’ll make sure they get enough freedom they deserve
😊❤

Controlling, dysfunctionnal families are isolated. My grandma and her siblings have these family trips where 30-50 people get together for a holiday. One starts to cook, 5-6 people immediately goes there and tell that they know a better way to cook the dish. You there for 2 hours and you feel like you been lifting weights. Last xmasI attended, I just found an empty room and watched TV.

Whenever I said that hurt me I feel pain my mother's answer was always an eye roll and a comment like "oh, you're toooo sensitive". I can hear her right now in fact....I hope one day all those "voices of judgement" from my parents that don't belong to me and go on auto-replay will be gone or at least quiet enough that I can simply keep going and not reuminate. I'm so grateful I am better at recognizing it and ignoring it than I was last year and way better than 3 years ago, so I'll give myself a pat on the back for progress 💗

A lot of this hit home for me. After 17 years of marriage, I’ve finally decided to block my MIL from contacting me on my cellphone. She can still contact her son. I’ve asked my husband to never leave me alone with her again and I know he will do his very best to protect me. I will never separate my MIL from her son or the grandchildren… they can make their own decisions about their relationship with her. But as for me, I’m going no contact as much as I can. It’s not me, I really believe she would have disliked anyone he married. She is very controlling.

I live with my Dad and he seems to have the last word on things or get upset for silly reasons, like being in the bathroom for too long or trying to figure out what I am spending my money on.

Both of my parents are idiots like that. Thanks for this video.

You just described my inlaws perfectly. When my husband went to tell them, all excited, that we're moving they did the second strategy and he sat listening to that for 3 hours! He was exhausted after but told me that he thinks he convinced them. I was stunned. My own mother said "that's great!", it was a 3 second thing.

My mom used to do #2 to me as a kid..I was never allowed to participate in extracurricular activities or if I did ask she would always shoot me down or fuss..today as an adult I have issues figuring out what I like. She also did #1 and always micromanaged everything I did. As I became an adult she undermined everything I did and would try to sabotage me or talk nasty and negative about me to other's. I honestly believe controlling parents are narcissist. I noticed when talking to her she still tries to micromanage me as a mother to my.own kid's and tell me what I need to do..my children are 16 and 19 years old 😂😂😂😂. She is completely nuts and when I confront her of course I misunderstood her, I am making too much of it, why am I always angry? Why are you always passive aggressive and trying to micro manage what happens in my household weirdo? I also go no contact and simply ignore her. Our biggest fall outs were here trying to tell me what to do and she would get mad and leave like I gaf. She also takes away her support as a way of controlling me or if she feels it stop me or sabotage me. So I no longer depend on her and honestly don't want her or like her around my kid's. She brings the worst energy and spirit of conflict. She is a miserable person

Manipulative and brain drain is the worst

Love what u said.. it is exactly what u said. Thank you toooo much

Its always my mom that is controling she threatens to throw away my thing's and makes me do stuff just to watch me do it and correct me and when i do it right she does it a different way 😢

My parents wouldn't let me go away for undergrad - my mom worked with my school counselor to pick what universities I could apply to...and they were both within 20 mins from where we lived. I did end up getting a full ride to one of them, which included free room & board for a year, but my parents got angry for me even asking if I could live on campus. I didn't get out from their control physically until I got married in my mid-30s...and they still try to control me....punished me when I wanted to live in a house that was 45 mins away from theirs. Only up to 30 mins away was acceptable for them. At that point, I just wanted to get the hell out of their house and just agreed to whatever they wanted. They used religion to control me, so they couldn't be blamed for any of it. I regret giving so much of my life to them. Now the next phase is wondering how I'm going to avoid having them move into my home as they get older....because that's right around the corner. My dad's only in his mid-60s and having me find doctors for him and schedule his appointments.

Really exceptional video. Thank you so much for putting it up. You are helping people.

Some will bring up warm memories to soften you and create a false closeness before tearing you down.

Im 34 years old and my mom still tries to control a narrative that is not true.I cut her out of my life about 3 years ago around covid she has hacked into my old account on Facebook which i dont have anymore she told everyone on social media that I'm missing in danger and doesn't know where im at and shes a victim who doesn't understand where she went wrong she will tell this to strangers and anyone who will listen to her and people have hit me up on my Instagram account asking me am i ok im fat away from her and i believe she is a fullblown narcissist and borderline among other things im in therapy and habe zero drama in my life while my mom is still toxic feels like shes above therapy and will not be accountable for her actions i will be realived when she is no longer on this earth because she is so miserable and and brings others down with her, life is too short to allow toxicity to run their life my mom was abusive to me amd cruel she blamed me for everything including bring born

After I left my ex and moved back home with my kids, I got my first job in 15 years. I was so proud and excited because Id been a sahm for so long, and working again and becoming financially independent was a huge deal for me. When I told my mom where I would be working, she had a big frown on her face just because the job wasnt the one SHE wanted me to have. That reaction pissed me off more than offended me. Like thanks so much for your support! 🙄 Yet, she has no qualms about borrowing money from me, that I earn from the job she disapproves of - its been like this my whole adult life and it drives me nuts! Hoping to move out by the end of the year!