Why some narcissists feel the need to control everything

hit the nail on the head talking about working for a controlling narcissist.

You have described the phone I grew up in as if you grew up in it also,,, a father straight out of the army! dinner at 5PM sharp with the news on the radio playing, second it was over, off went the radio and then he held court while the rest of dinner was eaten. I could go on and on for every hour of every day of the week,,,, total nut case from Hell.

Sex starved husband sets the following boundary.
“I will repel your controlling behavior regarding my Friends With Benefits activities”.
His hyper-controlling fridged wife replies.
“I will change the locks if you cheat on me”.
Is her statement a controlling behavior, or valid boundary for her?
Remember, she is NOT the recipient of any activity.
Also, wife insists that she is NOT controlling in any aspect of her life,
and she refuses to attend couples therapy.

i wonder if my foster "parent" was a narcisst. something was VERY wrong with her and I pray to god she's finally met her maker for the sole purpose of her not harming another living human being. She would only allow me a 5 minute time limit to eat food because I was a slow eater due to being born with cleft lip and palate. whenever I messed the bed, the punishment was brutal. I remember throwing up in the middle of the night and crying for hours after because I knew how much trouble I was going to be in.
and nowadays I always get really messed up when I read about children who have died from the cold water bath punishment i got for soiling the bed. I feel like the key to my survival was it was only an inch of cold water.

This has been my marriage for the past 15 years 😢

My second husband was this kind, but he also did The Silent Treatment & Cold Shoulder until I started to enjoy them. After I left him and divorced my constipation problem went away. Magic

We are know those couples who are a pain in the arse.

My ex controlled everything I ate and where I ate to the point that in the final weeks of the relationship I had to be hospitalized because I was starving. I think about it and I wonder how I let him do that to me. I was so afraid of his rages and wanted so badly to make him happy that I stopped eating because everything I ate upset him and would cause those rages. I think about it and I want to cry. When I finally broke up with him and kicked him out, I was unhealthily thin and weak. It was just a 4 month long relationship, and a year later I'm still not a healthy weight.

my narcissistic sister has sent me rage texts while i’m brushing my teeth because i apparently brush too loud, i’ve gotten raged at for cleaning out my shower drain too loud & she has gotten physically violent when i changed the temperature in the house. these people are nuts and your reaction is what gives them life because they’re constantly miserable and angry

This is my daughter and I worry about my grandchildren.

Ok?...so wats the problem with ORDER? and being CLEAN?

my ex was exactly this. I actually think this was one of the top 5 things that pushed me to break up with her. Absolutely a horrible way to control the other. I thought this was OCD but thanks to this video I know this is just another venue to display narcissism. Guys you are better without them . I promise

They control up to how long you should be angry or upset. Thanks to these videos, I learned about this crappy narcissists & setting a boundaries.


Even if you are a calm person, kindly & humbly ask narcissists that "today is not the right day" for us to talk....

They dont want to follow that.
The only way out is to set boundaries with them.

Oh boy this one hit home. My family was so crazy about food. Everyone had to eat at the same time. Not in front of the TV. No eating in anyone's bedroom. No leaving the fridge door open for more than 2 seconds. Using the oven was frowned upon in the summer. We always had to have loads of canned food and stuff in the freezer past the expiration date because no one wanted to ever eat it. But you also weren't supposed to throw it away either. Every Friday was the "go out to eat" day. Sunday was family dinner. They had their few places they liked to go out to. And even then, the check was always split equally, sometimes among 16 or 20 of us. And it would be frowned upon if you wanted wine, or cocktails, or appetizers or dessert or a nice steak, because then whoever got the $15 plate of pasta was suddenly paying $30+ and felt like they were subsidizing someone else's food/drinks. I couldn't get toaster streudals because they were "unhealthy." My uncle would throw a tantrum if you didn't cover the inside of a gallon of ice cream with plastic wrap. And on and on and on and on.....

I'm training myself to be comfortable with chaos. It's going to come in very handy because so many people can't cope with it.

American Psycho

My dad, older brother and EX-fiancé!!!! CONTROOOOOOLLLLLING! And judgmental! Aaahhhrrrgh!

Its sad because a lot of these traits sound like autistic people too. Im autistic. Im kind and in fact, too empathetic, but I have specific foods I can eat only a certain way, I have many sensitivities and cant do much about it, Im very frank and honest, and I have extreme morals and cant budge on certain things. Things need to be a certain way for me. Its very hard to be constantly misunderstood. People constantly think Im selfish, or jerk, or narcissist - while Im none of those. Im a very pure hearted, kind, and highly self aware autistic person. Im actually humble, just self aware, Im not “showing off” that Im kind, Im just telling the truth. People constantly take advantage of me.
I can never “read the room” or “get the hint”. I dont know someone is being sarcastic unless they smile or say so. I dont like wasting my time on small talk - because its useless waste of time, not because I think those people are below me.

This hurts that people who are uneducated about what narcissism really is, assume the worst of me. Each time. Even my friends who I tell all the time about autism and how it can show.
It hurts.

Precisely . Nothing - zero messes with his agenda. His direction. He will disregard the law - and I’m a lazy b…. Because he’s so obsessed with money wayyyyy more than the fact that I’m the mum of his 3 sons. Yeah money money. So matters when he’s a heavy gambler

🤖I will 👐obey my 🙏Master.

I am here because I believe I have become exactly what you have described. I have never had anyone call me a narcissist to my face, but I know that I am extremely condescending and I have to have order. The slightest derailment of my schedule will cause me panic and anxiety. Especially when it comes to my personal life affecting my work life.

Yes I thought my bf was ocd now more narc. He’s controlling over closing the door for the cats her leaves rubbish all over the floor .. in the bedroom and doesn’t believe in covid at all and gets annoyed it people don’t believe him😢

Yes I had a pan that was not clean and he said I can’t use it - it wasn’t that bad and threw the pasta away. Then he made me buy burgers and then he ate it and told me and I paid for it - when he said he would wait for me. He said he wants me unshaven .. yes they are so controlling. He’s trying to control my living arrangements and work 😢 I feel so depressed currently due to these behaviours??

Wasn't obsesive order a thing for top ranking nazi oficials during ww2??

Do narcissist ever change their control patterns? Say at the beginning when you met them they wanted to house completely spotless and I mean like sparkling clean or however you want to put it. Also they are controlling in other ways too, but say after 11 years they don't care if the house is not spotless, just clean. And why is it that they, well mine says I ruin every holiday? At first I was convinced it was true but now I see it's ridiculous. Like right now we were supposed to buy a new washing machine and he said we will leave at 5pm and to be ready but at 3bhe started yelling at me that he wants to leave now and I should have been ready. I told him he said 5pm not 3pm and he said he changed his mind and I ruined another holiday because I wasn't ready. And no one comes over for holidays anymore because everyone in the world hates me. I'm trying not to cry. I learned a lot from watching these videos but there are still some things I just don't understand with his behavior. I think he's a malignant narcissist because of the way he is and fits the category and the abuse is just, well I don't want to talk about that but I'm sure you already know or can imagine. I feel so alone.

Ok but I would LOVE to watch Netflix with my sentient coffee maker...

are borderline personality disorder feel the need to control everything?

OMG! Describes one of my worst intimate relationships. I wish I had known this then. I totally lost myself and it took 5 years after I said, '"I just can't not do this anymore" to find myself again...sort of.

He criticizes EVERYTHING I do for him. He even complained about the way I unwrapped his drink straw and placed it in his cup for him! So now I've stopped. I never cook for him, never do his laundry, never pick up his garbage or dirty clothes. Now he tells everyone I'm a horrible cook and a horrible housekeeper. Lol

It is finally making sense...he has so many issues..I see now thanks

Oh my gosh..this is him!

Yup this is exactly my sister as well as other people I know. Time to heal

Holy shit. She was like this. Perfectly. I had no idea this was a part of being a narcissist but it all makes so much sense.


Her need to have the bottles of water full before sleep. How every window always needed to be closed because "insects could get in" no matter how unlikely that was to happen. How she wanted to schedule every single day and every single fucking thing in our planed trips that fortunately never came to be. How she was very precise with money and how we split our bills and how much she owed me after our dates, which foolishly lead me to believe that she couldn't be a bad person because she clearly wasn't using my money. How she even wanted a schedule for what would do in our dates and when we were going to have sex for the first time. How she aggressively inserted herself in how I organize my things and how my family handle their own fucking business.


And as for seeing others as objects... How she flipped the fuck out because she asked me to take a picture of her dog and a tiny bit of her mother's legs appeared on the side. How she would grab her very old poodle (17 years old) and carry her around like she was a doll when she clearly hated it and was uncomfortable and barking every single time. How she would put this old dog on top of me so she could take good pictures.

Living in my stepdad's house as a teenager, once he and my mom were gone for a while on a trip. When they came back he became very upset to find that the burner covers on the stove were in a different orientation than how they were when they left. I had to admit that yes, I had used the stovetop while they were gone, cleaned the burner covers and not realized their decorative pattern had a specific orientation. I promised to learn exactly how they should be oriented. He didn't really forgive me, but at least my mom came to my defense saying I meant well and would get there.

I just feel like this is a video about narcissists with comorbid obsessive compulsive disorder.

Very interesting. One aspect of narcissists that hasn't come up here is how narcissists will use their dogs, children and employees to control us. I like nice dogs and people, but some "control freaks" will use any means available to get what they want.

Obsession with control and order. It reminds me of the movie Mommy Dearest.

How do you know if this is narcissism vs OCD

Thank you ❤true

My boss is a super controlling narcissist. I joined the company about a year ago and he’s been CEO for about 8 years. He micromanages every small thing from junior recruitments to communications texts to memo writing. He acknowledges that he has anxiety but he shifts it to that the world is full of danger so why can’t everyone see it. He is divorced and can’t keep a solid relationship. The only allies he has are his flying monkeys.

What I got out of this: narcissists are basically dragons fawning over a hoard of gold.

Mmm my ex was not very orderly with her room but she did indeed try to control me even how I drive

Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you for making them. I have a narcissist in my life, and your videos help me realize that it's not me being overly sensitive or imagining these things.

Meals all had to scheduled and not missed, every receipt accounted for, couldn’t come downstairs in the am before they went to work, couldn’t ask them to watch the children - they said they worked so that was my job they paid for, was not allowed to see my family, wasn’t allowed to see the bank accounts, and so much more. I secretly obtained a lawyer and had all accounts frozen and got a divorce and went gray rock during the whole event. Only communicated through emails like a business. That was 15 years ago. It got a lot better when they entered a new relationship and got married. To this day I say nothing and am glad for my freedom. The kids were granted to me. They’ve never stayed with them - not even one night - they have never paid any child support. I was told that would be stealing from them. I was told the divorce was a crime committed against them. To this day they are the victim and I’m evil and not to be trusted. Amen 🙏

I was offered to live with someone. Wants me washing her dishes with three children who have no chores. I don’t use too many dishes. If the dishes aren’t washed to her liking it’s me who is wrong. If I state my position in arguing with her. I have to take out the trash maintain the yard etc etc.. I pay rent and none of the above contribute to anymore than what I offered to help with and now I am expected to. She began offering me to eat when she cooked and surely I felt bad and even consider in that statement if I am being entitled. But after offering me to eat she then asked me to pay her for food. Fast forward I love cooking so later she now feels I am taking over her kitchen mind you she isn’t there when I was cooking ..my guess being I often post video of my culinary love to fb she saw that and immediately found another thing to control. Now today she uses my own humor about my driving to demand I drive 10 mph on our street when res speed is 25mph.. and when I ask why she doesn’t trust me giving I have never been at fault for any accident in decades .. I’m arguing with her.. she is triggered so when she is ready we need to talk. She brags about how nice of a person is and how people take advantage of her.. surely she had people in her life that did.. however given the dramatic rage and the way her relationships resulted in broken connections and domestic violence and police isht.. it seems perhaps her niceness is just a lever to control. I even told her I would no longer use her kitchen dishes or even go near her fridge and yet I fell for her offering me to use it again. I just want to determine if it is me before I assume the patterns I see here for this video

Omg! I thought this was ocd or something in him. It was wild!

Great video. First part of video spoke to my ex husband of 29 years. It was taxing and exhausting living with him. Order and control ..food, exercise.. . , my weight, my son’s weight. He made me get liposuction and I weighed 130 lbs. He didn’t rage but went passive aggressive. He was a workaholic and put order above everything. The increasing and hurtful criticism, his constant projections, insecurities, his high anxiety, perfectionism, withholding affection, blame and doing all of this with our son too was horrible. After 29 years I filed for divorce. I didn’t want to but he didn’t want to work on anything because I was the problem. It took me 2.5 years to heal and recover and discover what I was dealing with. He still holds contempt for me after 15 years. I got one-half of everything and he wasn’t expecting that. He also underestimated me.I

The sad thing is outsiders or family will tell you that this was not emotional abuse or trauma, because he seemed so fine on the outside. I mistook his “taking care of me or things “ as love when in reality it was control . So hard to see when you are in it how dysfunctional it all is.

Yup, mine was highly controlling self righteous covert malignant narcissist. Scary and run for hills. They don't care about your health heart life soul. They are awful 😞

Do you believe these people can change others their "flying monkeys " to get them less empathetic? Actually have do much influence that normally decent people can throw away there morals completely? I believe it's possible I'm currently witnessing this.