You Don't Have to Defend Yourself | How Not To Be Defensive

Which one of these mindset shifts did you need to have most today?

But I feel I want the people who matter to me, not everyone, in my life to be on the same page with me on important issues.
I mean, I feel better that I am not just on my own but can have some support and understanding. That we are on the same side.
Of course, if it comes to the push, I learn to be prepared to go it alone for what I believe in.

Thug Life.

This thinking is very helpful to me. Thank you Julia!

this is hard when you have to defend yourself against your employers opinion of you because you have a chronic illness

Blamed and blamed and blamed….. for years.

thank you so much for this wonderful video. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, establishing boundaries and learning to respond rather than react has been a significant challenge for me. I am actively working on improving my communication skills. However, I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts when someone, like my sister, brings up past issues that have already been resolved or are unrelated to the current conflict. I understand that emotions might be high, but it's disheartening when, despite my efforts to improve and address concerns, I am consistently portrayed as the problem. This is especially hurtful when it comes from older relatives whom I had thought I could trust.

If your spouse is lying about you to your kids and turning them against you - it’s a lot more than just EGO at stake

It is not about a person having an opinion of us that we don’t like. It is because an unfair opinion about you can be socially and professionally destructive to your reputation, esp in the workplace.

my biggest issue is when your partner says something about you that is false and its very false its hard to not feel the need to protect yourself. or when they say you always do this or you are this. it just is so triggering

About a month ago a neighbor called the cops on me. Has accused me of things I haven’t done. What she’s upset about is I don’t respond anymore to her. She’s scared of me and has become a victim. A so called friend of mine agreed and they both said they’re afraid of me. I called someone who told them I am an adult who doesn’t do those things. How can you not leave something like this alone and not defend yourself? The neighbors believe this to be true. The son is angry and believes this. It seems this woman is the only one who allegedly see’s me…..

I need to learn some stuff

By not defending myself I ended up believing what people were telling me about myself, during my teen years. It has diminished my self esteem. If you don’t respond back and don’t stand up for yourself, something eventually will stay inside of you that you originally did not have.

the gatekeepers of perception

"Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"

It depends on the circumstances, context, situation, issue.

julia number 1

Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this today 🙏.

How does this change if the person who is offending you has power over you? And their opinion being propagated can hurt you objectively?

No need to explain yourself , defend yourself or prove yourself as long as you KNOW YOURSELF

Personally I think I struggle with accountability. I tend to get depressed when people bring up my mistakes, but recently I’ve been trying to be positive to myself, but I feel like it’s made me more defensive, or careless about people’s opinions towards me. So how do you know how to learn from your mistakes and keep a mindset that you’re not a total failure?

I've learned a longtime ago the best way to respond to criticism is handle it with grace and kindness.

I couldn't care less what toxic people think; I care about how nastily they treat others and me because of what they think.

I wish I had watched this video sooner. This was so insightful. I will practice this moving forward

Show them with your actions who you are. Stay Focused!

I think in a general sense this is great advice. When it comes to something like a romantic or close relationship I wonder how useful this advice could be. Obviously I don’t want to get defensive with my spouse, but I also don’t want them to have a negative opinion of me. How do I resolve this contradiction in my relationship?

Thank you so much for making this video. I had a chance to practice what I had learned from you. A few weeks after originally watching this, my boss pulled me into a meeting and pretty much lashed out at me and someone else over a misunderstanding. I managed to remain calm and didn't explain myself 😀. That made her even more furious LOL.

Dear Kristina
Thanks for the video and the information regarding defensiveness; however, I do not really think people would get defensive over trivial or unimportant matters/relationships.
Yes, the answer to your questions are yes. We have to and do care about other people's opinions and perceptions of us. For example, at the workplace. The coworkers can mess up your job and have you even fired. So, the solution for this problem is not about controlling and subduing defensiveness. The solution for this problem is how to be defensive in an acceptable manner with win-win results.

For the sake of argument
If you came it me, in the dark alley
It's a self defense situation
I won't be happy about the devastation I caused
But I'll be happy I just defended my own life
It's a self defense situation

What you have described is someone who is not fully committed to their beliefs or opinions and as such can be reminded of that uncertainty. That is the basis of defensive attitudes. Maturity teaches us to hold truths based upon our experiences, and while my truths may be fully correct, partially correct or not at all, it’s true for me and I don’t need to make my reality your reality. Your experiences have formulated your beliefs which may be different from mine and that’s ok. No need to “lose it” when someone disagrees, simply remind yourself of who you are.

this video is so helpful! thank you

Is standing your ground the same thing as defending yourself?

For me, it's actually CPTSD triggers set off. I get defensive when I'm being berated, everything I say is questioned &/or gaslight. I literally have to defend my psyche from abuse & MANY PEOPLE get defensive because they're having to defend their SAFETY not just their Ego. This was very reductive & dismissive of trauma + the responses that come with it.

Wow you are amazing, thank you! I subbed xo

Pete Walker got an alternative take on defensiveness, his take is there are different types of defenses we push because of abondent depression. And once you remove this ultimate sadness within you, then you no longer need to defend because there is no pain to be reminded about via people. This isnt really anything he has said but its the message I could see hidden in his book. And something iv seen myself experience through the experience of healing cptsd. Its like i have the ultra instinct now.

What if you need to be defensive in order to protect yourself at work? What is wrong with wanting to be on the same page with ppl, colleagues for example? What if you actually need it to survive, keep a job, make a living, or protect your family? Isn't it a normal psychological reaction? Isn't it sometimes health to feel this way?

3. Feeling misunderstood

" Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" My automatic response is, "I want to be both!" After I calm down, I realize that the times one needs to be right about something are, in fact, relatively rare; meanwhile, the times that I have allowed myself to become upset over some issue that was not worth the upset, well, all those times make up a major part of my life. Oh well, there's no one to blame but myself.

I’m glad I found your channel 👍

I find myself getting offended if someone misinterprets my words or actions and it is definitely a mix of wanting others’ approval and wanting to be understood. Honestly it’s hard to actually reconcile the whole “I don’t need other peoples approval” because I feel like I do to the core of my being, like needing food or air. I don’t know how to disentangle that from everything else about me because it’s at the root of so much of who I am— and not just the bad parts, but also the good parts too. I almost feel like it’s one of my defining characteristics. I don’t know what would be left without that inner drive to please others. It leads to me telling funny jokes and doing challenging,
impressive things. It’s what motivates me to not be defensive, even, because I know it’s a trait I find off putting myself. Hah. So without that desire to impress people/control my image, I wouldn’t be here trying to change and improve, but that quality is the very thing in the way. Oh, the irony.

I grew up with a super unstable abusive father which caused me to be a very defensive person. Out of fear obviously. And I guess this is something I still struggle with. Not sure when it actually is appropriate to defend yourself?
Like for example, being accused of doing something super serious that you didn’t do. And in defending yourself I’m being called argumentative.

Sure I do no else ever did if I didn't I was on my own

What if I'm on the autism spectrum?

As far as I'm aware, defensiveness is one of my autistic traits.

I am aware of the stigma surrounding being on the autism spectrum, but I'm not going to change who I am to accommodate the prejudices of others. If they're prejudiced, that's their fault.

Thumbs up! Shutter down sounds like stonewalling and that along side defensiveness are two of the four horses of the apocalypse of a relationship. My friend and I have noticed that the pattern of defensiveness is a facet of immaturity and results in a toxic relationship. There's a lack of self-esteem from having inadequate quantity or quality of positive affirmations. CBT is urgently needed before being in a relationship. It's a matter of responsibility. Otherwise, there's a wake of suffering ex-love ones. The fear of being toxic should be higher than the fear of being attacked. The affirmation urgently needed is: don't take it personally. "People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you; they can crumple you out with their words, spit you out or even walk all over you, but remember, whatever they do or say, you will always keep your value." -- Frederik Imbo

Great video,
I just realized that at 62 that I am a highly defensive person. I have always pushed and attacked everyone I come in contact with and going back to my earliest memories.

This stops now.

My loving wife has mentioned over the years that I do not seem happy and now I understand that I have a character flaw that needs to be addressed and I know that I can fix it and it must be fixed so I can tell her honestly that yes now I am happy because I want to be happy and share my happiness with others.

I intended to treat myself like a recovering addict, so now I can never again think that I am being attacked during any conversation. I will need counselling and many books/ your type of videos to insure I stay nice. I started to make amends to all the people I have ever known.

Thank you and yes yes yes I have subscribed, rang that bell 🔔 and downloaded this video for mediate use ie: my new Mantra.

I don't like the fact that people say stuff about me thinking that it's ok😡

Ive always been very defensive, but at this point in my life, ive learned to not care so much about what people think. However, i still get defensive when my partner and I fight. The reason im so defensive is because her opinion of me matters SO MUCH. How can i teach myself to trust that my partner will still love and accept all of my faults? Im always paranoid that if im not perfect, they'll leave?

The worst part is when a judge believes influential abusers and calls you a lier and a waste of space, and they ruined my life permanently. What does one do with that? Nobody seems to want to hear or believe it. Rather you are 'crazy' or mental and 'believes one own lies'. Etc. Why did I believe religious dreams like my late dad did when he believed that the truth always comes up in the end, especially if you try to do right by god...? it didn't work for him (and fyi I don't believe in god anymore) .
And yes it does matter... and (after surviving so much in silance over and over until breaking point) I cant expect any justice or freedom, and still left a target.

but i need my wife's permission....

Thank you 🙏

Shut up and obey and if you disagree your cancelled! Your a racist. Your a domestic terrorist. Your a white supremacist. So keep your opinions to yourself and you you won’t feel so defensive.