"5 Most Common Mistakes of Estranged/Alienated Parents-How to Heal Them" Dr. Joshua Coleman

It’s been 5 years I’ve been banned from my son’s life. I don’t care anymore. It used to be to hurt now I just don’t care.
I’ll accept whatever blame he throws at me. I just need to find happiness again. I can’t do that while holding on to hope

Classic comment that children have drunk the cool-aid of Western individualism. Joshua is a pragmatist which is probably what we all need to become because parents can't undo the influences upon them from peers and society. The irony is when the child still claims to be a christian but doesn't act like one except when the mask goes on OUTSIDE THE HOME.

Joshua is very insightful. He is one of the few who clearly understands how modern psychology is being used to divide children from parents and create a society of selfish individuals who discard parents when their use by date has expired.

This silly ness crap your spitting out your mouth is separating my family
And leaving me locked outside the family now .
We try to continue as we were 2015 to 2021
But ruthie deskin elementary has employees being relatives with
Criminals who gets bailed out by old drugy man and waves at moms in familys on site

Officer says to me well now you can have big family and blows a kiss at me and laughs i and bambi my pet dog was there .

The cops put daryl Sanchez in my daughter house from my neighbors house to my daughter house fuck these las vegas worms

I don't ever trust the phrase "they did the best they could." It's meaningless and never true. Everyone is always sprinting as fast as possible, pushing until every last tendon breaks? No. It's always some arbitrary, undefined standard of 'bestness' that provides no illumination at all. It's also a completely unrealistic standard that no one should ever be held to. And it's usually logically inconsistent: if you use it to justify one side's behavior, you can just as easily use it to justify the other side's: aren't children who cut off their parents also doing the best they can? Shouldn't they therefore continue doing their best, which means continued estrangement?

Every time someone says that, it's to gloss over a morass. But when someone is stuck in that morass, they need to know exactly what they're drowning in. Was their mom a somatic narcissist who spent her parenting years shooting opioids? Did not do best. And who cares about someone if the best they're capable of is exploiting and psychologically maiming everyone close to them? No wild animals in the house

Seeing the vast difference between someone who gave 0.01% and someone who gave 85% gives you the perspective you need to acknowledge that no, nobody is doing their best for than five minutes of flow state at at time, but there's a pretty respectable discrepancy between really bad parents and fairly good ones. And if your parents really were in the bottom 10%, then they're probably wild animals who exist solely to instill negative emotions in others. Many people should never have become parents, and not all of them deserve the opportunity to keep scratching and clawing at their abused children. No one should choose to be in the life of someone with an untreated personality disorder. That person will be miserable regardless. The only open question is how many people they take down with them

‘5 tips on gaslighting better’. Laughably bad advice. Zero accountability. Just reinforcing all the bad parenting that got you fools into this situation in the first place. Your kids are parents themselves now so they have context to draw on. They are not going to fall for these tricks/excuses anymore.

Not helpful advice! Parents sound like pathetic powerless ahabs begging & lying?

What isn't "fair" is having parents that hate each other and insist on putting us in the middle of their problems with each other. We have every right to walk away from that and not look back.

Boy, did I need to hear this!!

I am the one who made the choice to exit from his life. He pulled away over the last couple of years. He recently told me he hates me. I can’t continue to be a source of anguish for him. I wasn’t the mother he needed.

His birthday is coming up. Should I acknowledge his birthday or leave him alone?

What is frustrating, including, this video is how therapist tend to think we, the parent’s made all the mistakes. My daughters literally make up stories from their childhood that never happened.

One of my daughters is an alcoholic and the other drinks a lot. Almost all the fights (mean conversations) are when my daughter(s) are drunk. Literally mean and disrespect to me. There’s nothing I can say or do that is ever right, in their mind.
At my daughter’s wedding I made the decision less is more. I talked very little as I knew whatever I said would be a rebuttal. And, it was. I was even yelled at for not saying enough. My daughter called me a “c” because I asked about the time of the father-daughter dance! Literally. Drinking began in the morning the day of my daughter’s wedding for she and her bridesmaids. Drinking continued throughout the day & evening.

I am by no means a perfect Mom or person.
I never talked to my parents in the way my daughters talk to me, disrespectful, swearing
and any lack of thinking about my feelings.

My daughter’s husband has been estranged from his father for years and on & off with his Mom. I’m sure my time is coming.

I don’t spend much time with either daughter and when I do try to listen more than I talk.

Back to therapist, how can they not see that many adult children in their 20’s & 30’s don’t have communication skills, due to social media, phones etc..
Instead of trying to repair, communicate & create healthy boundaries they choose estrangement and take no responsibility for their actions.

There is a poem called, "Let Them" by Cassie Phillips that is helping me get my life back.

Sorry man, but if you see your kids as "drinking the coolaid" that is exactly what gaslighting is, and you'll drive them away. Assuming other people are less able to interpret reality than you is not a good place to reconcile.

Dr Coleman, do you feel the children you are talking about here also apply this to their own children? You say in order to be a parent to these children we have to have no expectation to have our feelings taken into consideration. From what you have seen do these children have not kind of a relationship with their own children where they do not themselves as parents who expect to be treated with dignity and respect or have their feelings taken into account? Do these children feel that their own children owe them nothing?
Thank you.

I survived parental alienation by my ex. Was there when they returned. I’ve made several amends. I’ve helped with weddings, baby showers, helped with down payments on houses and cars, took care of families after babies were born, always there to help with a special needs grandchild, etc. But the consideration has never been reciprocal. The respect is uneven. I know better than to expect anything in return. I child in particular is highly manipulative and controlling. Tell her no, disagree, or challenge her and all hell breaks loose. She’ll contact family and get the flying monkeys engaged. Then the campaign to shun me from family begins. Now, it involves grandkids. I went through this with my children with their father. When this happened involving my grandson something in me snapped. I don’t want to go through this again and I don’t want my grandchildren being abused in this way.

We're talking about adults here. Groveling to a manipulative adult, regardless of relationship, is a miserable and lost cause.

There comes a point when you don’t want them back now, even though they might want to come back, I could care less

Dr Coleman’s work is fabulous. I listen over and over. I learn, listen again, hear anew and heal. I cannot recommend him enough.

Wow. I've never heard my situation described so fully and accurately. Thanks for this video. I needed to hear this information. It's given me some validation. Now I need you to post a video to teach me how to get rid of the heartache and pain. I can't compartmentalize it. I was in therapy for years. Psychiatrist and Psychologist simultaneously. They couldn't help me to create a niche in the back of my brain to put all that sorrow away and only let it see light now and then. It's always there and it has ruined the past 20 - 25 years of my life, and will do until the end. What a waste.

For me and my 2 kids it's definitely over. It has been for many years. On occasion I can't stand the pain anymore and I've tried to reach out. I've turned myself inside out to find different approaches but they really don't want anything to do with me anymore. I've been told that a No Contact Order will be issued if I ever tried again. The last time I showed up at my son's doorstep, over 10 years ago, hoping to get one small glimpse of my grand-daughter he was threatening to call the police and his father, my ex-husband. I guess I'm done. I'm old and not in the best of health and have come to the realization that I will never see my kids or grand-daughters again. We live on the coast, they live in the prairie, so there is no chance of running into each other. There is also nobody who is in our lives mutually, so they will never even know when I die.

I just can't. I have tried. I'm done. I may come around, but I'm very sick and it makes me more sick to have to try this hard at something I've earned already. You are totally correct, I just don't have it in me anymore.

Barring mental health issues, no one believes a happy conducive, healthy, parental relationship. more than likely what has happened is you’ve lost your power over them and they don’t fear a world without you and that’s what you were using to control them the entire time.

Putting estrangement into context with current western societal mores and styles is extremely helpful, Dr. Coleman. I had some inkling of this, but appreciate having my vague suspicions confirmed in a clear way--particularly within the context of "don't guilt the (adult) kid or they'll accuse you of being a narcissist/borderline/psycho/etc., etc., etc." THAT was extremely helpful as I've begun to realize that my kid has some quite 'trendy' but rigid views on current issues compared to my old-fashioned 'boomer' attitude of tolerance, live-and-let-live, bygones-be-bygones, find a compromise, and the like! Nope... 'Sheesh, Mom!! Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!! Don't you even HAVE any?!!'
I also appreciate the pointer on the adult child needing to separate 'to get the parent's voice out of my head' sort of thing. I have a very strong personality, am quite lively and I can be loud--especially when I laugh! I'm also extremely resourceful and resilient--so no wonder my kid had to get away from me!! How will that kid EVER find 'a voice' with all that overwhelming MAUREEN stuff echoing around inside that brain all the time?!! LOL!!! I had suspected this too, but quite relieved to have it confirmed as well. It's a relief to know that I'm on the right track when I suspect my kid needs to figure out "Who Am I Anyway?" Thank you!! I'm playing the long game... there's plenty of love between us still. I know it.

I am way passed the point of bowing to them anymore and accepting that I deserve their abusive behavior. I’d rather not have people in my life who abuse and use me and steal my peace, even if it is my own child. I’m a woman of faih they are not. They are the narcissists and will have to live with what they’ve done. We ALL reap what we sow

The first 2 years after my daughter quit speaking to me was very hurtful. I used to stand at the door and wait for her. I no longer do that. I am at peace at not having her in my life. I wish her well but no longer want her back in my life. I have shut the door and moved on. I feel I am better off without her in my life. She was disrespectful and abusive to me. I no longer allow anyone to treat me that way.

I related to so much of the content in this channel. Thank you so much. You have helped me .

The Dr. hit the nail on the head with my relationship with my daughter. I’ve already done everything he said NOT to do. What then? Start over? I’m 75 years old, and she’s been doing this on and off for 14 years, when I left her father. He is a covert narcissist, and I’m sure he’s feeding her behavior, and so is her anti-social husband, who doesn’t like me. I’ve admitted I made mistakes and I’ve apologized to her over and over. I never know what’s going to set her off. I’m going to therapy, but she’s refused to go to therapy with me.

Thank you for this practical advice. It's helped me make some decisions.

I think the most difficult part of estrangement is that we didn’t see it coming. We gave our best however imperfect we are. She tells me she loves me. This doesn’t feel like love. Doesn’t look like love. My challenge is to not allow hurt to become bitterness. Forgive as it sets me free.

My daughter told my cousins daughter that I'm pre Alzheimers due to some beliefs I have. I guess that is her excuse not to speak to me. We are living in biblical end times. Gods word warns us how children will be in these times.

This was so good to hear and to see that my kids are not the only ones acting that way, i thought i was the only one! I agree totally in self love and move forward with an open heart.

I'm sorry I have to be this honest, but it is all of you who brought them here without their consent.

Stop putting all the burden on parents!!

How do we get justice for some of the dark psychology which has been used as a tool of indoctrination and conditioning of ourselves, our children and our society.
Look at SOGI123 for example.
I believe that most of this dark psychology is planned and intentional.

What about toxic narcissistic parents?

Eliminate your ego

Practice humility

Learn to apologize no matter if you see your child as a lesser than or subordinate.


Because one thing that's very obvious nowadays is that many of today's people don't know how to apologize even when they know they're wrong.

That in of itself will cause (or save) you a lifetime of a pain

They know how to reach you. I wasted too much time trying to reach out. Just have to face she doesn't want to know me

It hurts to be ghosted for 3 years by your adult daughter.Last time I talked to her,she was pleased with a promotion
Since then I have 1 never heard from her again. She blocked my number. Goodbye dear.
.

Just remember, no one leaves a good family. Adult children leave due to emotional abuse, gas lighting and disrespect. A lot of parents see their children as extentions of themselves and not someone who is a separate human with feelings, needs and wants. In the end we all just wanted love. That's it.

Mental illness invaded our home and destroyed our family...

I feel like this video is assuming it's all the adult children's fault. What if you're not talking to each other? I don't think telling your child they wished they'd never had you & things like that, is doing the best u can. Still I forgave her for all the things in my childhood & tried to move on as adults however she's still doing innapripaite things. I finally had to walk away & she let me so what does that say? My life is better without her in it because I'm not longer hoping she'll be a mom. She's just nothing to me & I've accepted it.

Thank you so much. Everything is spot-on wisdom for me and gives me a compass of how to walk thoa egshelly road. The info about our current adult kid culture is so important to have!

Grovelling to any estranged person, least of all an adult child to whom you’ve given love, and many resources doesn’t sit well with me.

Let them pull away. They need to know how egocentric they're being and how much their behaviour hurts people. Even if it takes decades they need to sit down one day and reflect on what they've done. Walk away and keep what's left of your self-esteem.

Sorry, nope. Bad behavior is bad behavior. My estranged child has acted in ways that are immoral, unethical, abusive, dishonest, and frankly, repugnant to me. And against pretty much all of my ethics and values. At this point, I don't expect to reconcile, and there is no way in hell I'm going to pretend I am somehow responsible for the abysmal choices or the destructive behavior. Nor am I going to pretend that I'm sympathetic to my child's "point of view." I'm not sympathetic to deliberately vindictive, destructive, hostile, damaging behavior toward other people, including innocent children. There are lines and my child has crossed a very big one. I'm done. I think it would be better if more parents said "enough" to the selfish, bratty, entitled behavior.

After 10 years of reflection, research, and reading on this topic and considering my daughter's personality I've decided that i don't want a reconciliation. It would just add to the pain i endured trying to parent her with her absentee narcissistic father. During my divorce he put us through hell. It was her decision to go no contact but if i humiliated myself anymore in trying to "win" her back I'd just be self inflicting more abuse on myself adding to the abuse I've already suffered. She was a difficult kid with lots of issues growing up and now she's seemingly happily married, has a good job she likes and is too old to have kids. Im happy for her and wish her the best. Sometimes i feel her decision to cast me out of her life and blame me for her issues is unfair to me and i feel angry and resentful; but then i remember that we are both grown women and we get to make choices in our lives. This sounds weird but i hope she doesn't spend too much time hating me because that is as much of a burden as i feel sometimes. I'd rather just accept the situation without anger and try to enjoy my life and wish us both well.

Damn What is wrong with Please forgive me I am sorry.

Ho'oPonopono. That's all I know. It's been proven to work.

Where can I get more help with this? I am so broken over my kids being alienated from me.. I am devastated beyond words and don't know where to turn. I've tried everything I can think of - talked to all the pros.. Please .. please.. I am so desperate to see my kids again and hold them before it's too late. :(