The Value in Being Single and Celibate -- A Personal Exploration

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I’ve lived many lives. Had my first kiss at 25. Became hyper-sexual and slept with 30 women in a year. Got someone pregnant who aborted and later retreated from dating by sleeping with a much older woman. I was molested twice, the second time caused me to become psychotic and now the doctors think I might be paranoid schizophrenic. I also have a lot of pain from a spinal fusion. I lately realized that starting a family might not be a good idea which has led me to the celibacy lifestyle. I am new to this journey but it feels calm.

As an 18 year old I've been single for most of my life, It's really not that bad, My happiest moments were with my family or alone

Apart from a brief relationship that ended up abruptly with a massive disappointment of the other person faking commitment to met their gains I have been single and celibate for 5 years and can resonate with your inner journey so much

Broken up three months ago, single and celibate for the same duration now. I never realised until after break up that i was addicted to being loved because I couldn’t love myself. And I’ve grown in just this span of 3 months like never before, like i could never with any of my exes. So so so happy that I finally took matters in my hand and decided to self introspect and develop a relationship w myself. Love the video and comments from all the people here who choose to be single than be in meaningless relationships and devoid themselves of relationship w self

Loving another in a relationship has much to do with committment through it all. It is fostering self-respect and respect for others. Sex is one part of it but only a fringe benefit of having one person who places you as the one and only. If or when that breaks down, it takes much devotion to find it again or to restore what was hurt or damaged. It is not impossible. A test of committment you might ask yourself is if sex was suddenly removed as you have known it or wanted, how much of the relationship could be sustained without the sex? Sex without Heavenly love is evil and deceptive and one must ask how many failures in relationships must a person have before he or she realizes this? There must be a soul connection that commits to another. Try caring for a plant or garden first. Build on that devotion. See how you must pour yourself into its life to help itvto grow. Then, add in a kitten and another kitten. Raise and protect respectfully and with tremendous love as defined by goodness and truth. Try taking good care of children in a nursery more than once but for 9 months. Spend time with the elderly. Be committed to friendship and serving others even if it is an herbal garden or feeding and cuddling a cat. Try dating a person without even hugs or kisses. Non sexual. Discuss with nonsexual committments what your idea of marriage is. Explore what that might look like.Try being everything for another without even the promise of sex. How does that change the terrain for you? Is the strong feeling of commitment still there? Now try this same commitment with hugs and cuddling. Months like this. Does the absence of something not there cause a disruption? Now, examine how shallow are people who base everything around the physical. Only when there is a correspondance to the Heavenly realm is the sex part of the Spiritual goodness of truth; otherwise, what is earthly good is spiritually deceptive and therefore some level of hell. A hellish relationship starts our passionate and ends because that was only a bodily function that violated and assaulted what temple you have left. Start with Goodness and Truth as the foundation. Then, if you make a mistake the foundation will still be there supporting you, forgiving you and allowing you to grow.❤

Thank you so much; I fully relate !!

You're totally on the asexual spectrum, Daniel! You're probably demisexual or greysexual. That's my personal opinion.

Maybe they might feel like they missing out. Pshhh, can’t and won’t be me. Celibacy is the ish.

This is true with me as well. Been celibate for some time and it feels natural now. Thanks for sharing, Daniel.

When we respect ourselves, we treat ourselves with sacredness and are careful who we are intimate with.

Daniel,
Good video. I'm a guy who has been involuntarily celibate most of my life. I didn't lose my virginity in my late 20s and I'm 32 now. I think one of the things that psychologically damaged me the most was this absurd idea that men are the shallow sex and women care only about personality. When I was fat I wasn't even a human to young women. I was completely ignored and mistreated for years. I think my healing has been recognizing that I was mistreated and not listening to all the societal gaslighting about how things work. People get angry when I tell them that I get treated way better now as a man because I'm thin. Most people don't like real in my experience.

Have to disagree with sex being only emotional and based on childhood trauma. I feel that for the traumatized and emotional dysregualted it is but not for the neurotypical with no trauma. I can definitely satisfy my sexual needs consensually with women and not project any emotional aspect onto that whatsoever.

goal in progress

30, been single my whole life and just hating it. I'm stuck in a cult though, so I can't just go out and see anybody.

Wise advise, thanks.

Many people use the word "sex" when talking of sexual intercourse.. but my belief is that it should be "making love".. the sad thing is that most people just have sex, there is no love or loving involved.. its an act.. you should both be "in love", to make love.. then you will find your heavens..😊

Daniel, I'm addicted to your vids and discussions. I love your take on almost everything and you are so sincere. You are a comforting personality. I spent 10 years single but not celibate. It was so good for me. I'm now happily living with someone in a healthy relationship. If I hadn't known myself better I don't think I'd be here. So thankful I took the time to get to know myself.

In order to fulfill in the sexual aspect of an intimate relationship, one has to first understand one’s own sexual - self in these four dimensions; Mental, Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual. And heal one’s sexual self, then integrate them within. I value your sharing.

Daniel, ever tried a non sexual relationhip

I've reached a point where I don't even see being single and celibate as in any way a challenge or commitment. For me it's following the path of least resistence and an absolute necessity for pursuing my own happiness and developing as a person. For me sex becomes a focus for too many control issues both for myself and the other person. I've never found sex to be a safe act where I can comfortably explore intimacy with another person. Relationships just become a minefield of issues around insecurity and abandonment anxiety. I don't think I'm in any way unique in this. I think this is a problem which plagues the vast majority of people in intimate relationships. I think the difference is that I'm happy to conclude that it's not for me. Most people think that they must "work through" all the issues that arise in relationships because not being in a relationship is unthinkable, and because there's a social expectation that everyone must pair up with someone.

In my view you're missing one major point. The desire or rather to be desired. I dream about a relationship where I love and I'm being loved. Also I deeply desire and I'm being desired. Everything else is an Ersatz. The issue I find here is ageing. I'm close to my 40s now. My body has changed in a way one could expect but never prepared for. I don't find people around my age attractive. So I suspect love and desire is a matter of 20-years old people.

Thank you Daniel, every few years I find someone with an actually unique and well thought out perspective on things, you have sort of opened my eyes to something that I already knew, I share your perspective on sexuality and so on, or at least I think I do. As a 22 year old man, I have no shame in admitting that I have never had sex or a real relationship. I'd like to leave my perspective on things here, in hopes of you or anybody else for that matter - replying to me and telling me what things I may be doing good or doing bad, this seems like a place with people who can give me positive critique, constructive arguments about my view. So to anybody that is willing to read what I think, I thank you in advance.

I was in a short relationship once but I had to end things with the girl I was with because I was not happy with how things were, how I felt about her and so on. In a way I think I damaged myself when I ended things with her, damaged myself to a point where I was not ready for a relationship ever since, because I don't want to end up hurting someone like that. I'd rather have a girl hurt me then carry the burden of hurting someone.

I also had a chance to have sex, and for some reason I just didn't want to take it, and it confused me deeply later on, sex is something I really wanted back then and when I finally had a chance to have sex with a girl which really liked me - I didn't take it?! Now after lots of thinking about it, I know that back then, I was not ready for it - why? I have no clue, but at least I don't think that there's something wrong with me, that I am some kind of a coward.

After all these experiences, I have formed my own perspective or relationships, which has both helped me and hurt me - I think. My view says that I will not have sex or a relationship with someone who I truly am not "in love with". Casual sex is something I fail to understand, I fail to understand how can someone have sex and wake up in the morning and pretend that nothing happened. I guess I am clingy? In that case I figured out that I should stay away from casual sex, no matter how big the temptation. And when it comes to relationships that's where trouble really lies in with me, because I am almost dying to share my world with someone but also I am terrified of the chance that the person that I finally decide is the right for me, is not the right for me and that I have to hurt them by leaving them, like I did to that girl years ago. I also have a problem where I know that I am a person that needs to heal with therapy and stuff - so going into a relationship, and potentially "dumping" all my problems on someone else feels irresponsible at the very least and downright evil at most, in my opinion...

I am lucky to have amazing friends though, like I can honestly say that these are the kind of friends few people have, we have things to talk about, common interests and we share a common yet different perspectives on life, which we argue sometimes, but in a constructive and interesting way, not in some kind of a negative manner, so to my mind, If I ever find a girl- I'd like to think I would have a similar relationship with her, I don't think it would be a good idea if this girl and me were the same exact people, I see many positive things about people in a relationship having different perspectives on some things in life, prevents that sort of echo chamber from forming.


There, that's sort of my perspective, or most of it. If you managed to not get bored or annoyed with the way I write, and If you are planning to give me any reply- critique, advice, whatever, from the bottom of my heart- thank you, I am trying to fix myself.

Thank YOU for existing Daniel.

I have been celibate for years too by choice. I'm waiting on the right guy for me. I refuse to go out with a man I don't really like just because I'm lonely. I rather date a guy I really like and can connect with.

Humans are superior animals. They should not live in couples and destroy themselves mutually.

but were you celibate while you were in the relationship?

Ive never dated or been in a relationship. I’m 23; I like to hide away.

you don't know anything about sex. sorry.

I was initially against this idea, not that I plan on doing this for the next decade, but I can see the benefits of it now and am currently taking time to myself because I do want my next relationship to be healthier.

All the men I've dated either ignore all my needs completely and just use me to the fullest extent and then ghost me with no remorse, no follow up, and no explanation of any kind, or they try too suspiciously hard to meet all my needs despite my protests and their insistence to love bomb, only for them to turn around and whine incessantly about feeling "taken advantage of" and throw their "altruistic loving generosity" back in my face when I want out or try to establish any boundaries. I can't deal with it anymore.

You bring so much value to the world. I resonate with your Beautiful message.

Promoting celibacy is lunacy!

Ugh so true! Lots of people with wrong ideas about sex and intimacy, three years celibate for me and I am good with that.

I am in a relationship with myself. I enjoy my own company. I have emptiness inside that cannot be healed by anyone except myself. I have been celibate for 10 years and I don't miss it at all.

Um,,, don’t stick your d^ ck in crazy…

The forum of avoidant attachment in the comments… I feel so sad about it as I loved the person with this type of trauma so purely.

This is very sad. Daniel and comments… What happens when you sorted your family wound stuff, is you find the energy… the resource and courage, and curiosity to step out to the world of other human beings and explore it: deeply, not like before. Being alone is calmer and easier, but there are next steps awaiting, and they are bringing more life satisfaction because you experience your potential to the edge.. Our potential as social beings os in forming relations with others also. in other words - when you feel ready, step out to the outer world. Same with the trips and adventures - always better to do it than to sit at home…

I think it's a warning sign if somebody hops into a new relationship immediately. A school friend did this, she came from a family that seemed healthy from the outside. 2 kids from 2 different men in her early 20's who she kept with her parents most of the time to go to concerts. As to me, all of my past relationships, which were not many, were with toxic people. Similar experiences like in my upbringing. Thank god I finally understand it and hope to meet a healthy life partner soon. Important video.

"A serial dater" - this goes on my wall

A sex addiction expert in San Francisco told me that he usually diagnoses adult sex addicts with narcissistic personality disorder when their ultimate fantasy entails golden showers (think Trump visiting Putin in Moscow and Putin sending him the golden shower prostitutes). I found that fascinating.

So most people who get addicted to sex and porn usually have an undiagnosed, underlying Cluster B disorder, if I understand this expert correctly.

I love the way you think and speak - let me know if you are ever visiting Melbourne Australia!

Well I've been single and celibate forever and I'm fed up of it and am ready for a great relationship.

Have you considered becoming a Buddhist monk?

Been celibate all my life , I'm 22 , I've always been attracted to the physical touching but I never have into it , and I recently saw your platonic touch video , which made sense , I was never interested in sex if it isn't emotional as well .

Man! Is it ever refreshing, to say the least, to see Anything that supports and encourages Singlehood ! 🎉🎉🎉. This is great. Thank you! You are wonderful!

You are so brave! This level of honesty is so badass! ❤❤❤

I like Robert Firestone's work. There is great value in finding oneself. But relationship is important, and sex is important. Many people avoid sex because "they are afraid of being drained of their love". To avoid sex altogether is actually a way of avoiding ones inner pain. Its a mistake to think you can just grieve and heal on the inside and live in the world alone. Read Robert Firestone's work. Part of healing is realizing you DO need other people and the environment. To think that you can meet all of your emotional needs inside yourself is actually staying sick to some degree. Taking a risk on a relationship and relationships is part of the healing process. It is correct that you should not use relationships to fill your empty spaces and fix your wounds, but part of healing is grieving the losses and traumas but then replacing them with healthy relationships. Being alone with oneself is a way of protecting your pain and not fully feeling it. Its remaining a child. The idea is to be in a relationship but keep working on yourself, and using the triggers in the relationship to keep working through your issues. To think that one can be 100% self-sufficient is a defensive lifestyle and inward way of living, just like the child learned to do...that way no one can ever hurt me. So it is important to grieve and work through traumas, but it needs to be followed with new relationships and not an inward style of living. You cannot live in this world alone and you DO in fact need others to live a full life. "Simply reliving the old feelings and grieving does NOT change one's defensive structure and inward style of living. It is a self-nourishing process similar to the wounded child in which one protects itself from ever being hurt again. One does not fully live life and maintains an inward style of existing." Firestone

I can relate