THERAPIST EXPLAINS: Affective Responsibility

omg! that kermit buddha!!! i need that!!!!

You won't be judged by a therapist, as long as your records don't end up in DHS's hands- Then it's open season for using your own words against you.

so, can I say whatever I want to people and just say to them "I'm not responsible for your emotions" ?

Reactive abuse by a narcissist

A bear can only be poked so many times before it lashes out

What if I'm lied to when i check the facts

I apologise if I'm in people's way. I feel like it's just a way of being polite.

Can you imagine this world without empathic peopel? Or people who cared for others' feelings more than the average joe? What a bad place to live! :) Love is born out of empathy.

It's all a balance act of both polarities independence/interdependence. We need win-win. Not just I win, or you win. And we need to be more and more flexible with our definitons and rules in order to allow this love to flow between each other.

Takeaway: ask yourself if you would have reacted the way that other person had, stop walking on eggshells develop healthy boundaries

your dress looks like a farm woman dress. You could play nellie on the little house on the prairie if they had a remake.

this video brings up a very good point.

Just sent this to my mother in law, I feel like this can help her

SHE ABSOLUTE POWER ISSUE! NEVER OK.

Great video

U always hear ,,look from someone else's perspective" but we still have to see from our own

Many issues here. First of all, I typically avoid conflicts because I am afraid how I am going to react. I know that if the person says certain things my daily life will collapse. Then I wonder what the difference is between this and being inconsiderate. If you feel the other will probably feel very uncomfortabe what you are saying you want to find a better way of expressing youselves - that's basic empathy. But of course, this is not always possible. So should I decide what's appropriate or everyone else?

Unless there bulliesl

I expressed my boundary to my neighbour and asked her to not letting her dog come close to mine because my dog doesn't like it. I asked her in a normal way. From that day on she stopped talking to me and gave me negative energy whenever she saw me. Today she started talkimg again and the dogs were fine. I asked her about it and she told me that she felt like i was unfriendly and i abandoned her because when i setted my boundary i was in conversation with someone else and i did not give more attention. Today i noticed that i apologised to make her feel that way, but now i feel like an idiot. It was not my responsibility that she took it that way. That means that there is still a part within me that wants to control her feelings. I feel like a total loser right now and i am not sure how to get rid of this feeling....

Traditionally
men are taught to carry the emotional responsibilities of other people's too much
women are allowed to get away with blaming their emotion responsibilities to other people too much
and thanks to the infamous modern feminism. this shit still hasn't been fix in our modern culture.
instead, it has been wickedly encourage and has become even worse.

My question…when we don’t satisfy others’ expectations of us and are not ‘objects’ of others’ repressed desires, than what do we do then? Do we become Saints, Buddhists, et. Al?

YeaHhHhhH it makes me feel like a good person anyways 😌😆

According to the fight I just had with my mom, I should consider how what I say and how I say things and how me complaining upsets her. Makes me feel like shit and I’m a shitty person so that’s fun, bc I don’t think about it bc why should I think about how me not feeling good has anything to do with her?

No.

Ain’t even watching the video , it’s simply no we are not

I know a girl which choosed her own happiness but didn't thought about how It affected other people, the whole thing ended up with that she lost a lot of friends in the process. She was in a relationship with a good guy but she left him for an other guy and said she that she wanted focus on her own happiness. Before this she hade the life going for her studies and work and a big social life. The problem was that when she started this new relationship she had less time seeing her friends. Some of her friends was going threw hard times and she wasn't there for them because she thought about her own happiness and new relationship. After a while things started to go downhill she dropped out of her studies and almost lost the contact with her parents. Soon after this her boyfriend left her. And then she tried to get back together with her old boyfriend and take up the contact with the friends. Her old boyfriend didn't want to have anything with her to do because he was really hurt after she left him, and her old friends didn't want anything with her to do either because she wasn't there for them when they was there for them when they was going threw hard times. She ended up being unhappy in the long run and she lost of valuable friends because of the wrong choices. To all people out there be careful with what you choose!

I would be mildly angry for someone blocking the middle of a store isle. You can look at what's on a shelf without blocking an isle. Do you think you are the only person in the store? This wouldn't bother me so much if were not for the fact that soooo many people do this. Once or twice isn't so annoying, but when it starts to take up so much of your time because you're slow down by so many people who have been blocking the isle, it can get really annoying. In most stores, there is enough room in the isles for people to stand without blocking the isle. I get frustrated with Wal-Mart employees sometimes who put a cart full of products they are preparing to shelf, right in the middle of the isle. I feel Wal-Mart employees should know better.

I personally think since the covid virus situation a lot of people have been wanting to blame others for their frustation.

I know you said to ask questions, “did I actually make you angry?”.. I tend to ask these sorts of questions too much. My friends and I discussed it and concluded that me asking these things makes them feel like they’ve done something wrong, or that I am accusing them. I don’t know how to be considerate of someone’s feelings without going overboard. :( it’s really messing up my friendships because I always ask “are you mad at me?” “Am I annoying you?” Why do I need constant reassurance? My rational side doesn’t even care, but my emotional side takes over and it is exhausting.

if people are upset by something I say, idrc

Is this applicable in romantic relationships?

So, i had this situation with my cousin, who I was very close to. To make a long ass story short, in my confusion and pain from things she was doing over several months, i asked her some questions about something that was personal to her, which i didnt know it was. She’s ignored me, and that made me really angry and scared because, in my experience, being ignored the precursor to being left behind by people important to me. Later on, i found out that she ignored me because she was overwhelmed, even though she stated that i could talk to her about why i was upset with her. She also said that she felt I had overstepped my boundaries, which i did not know there were any in regards to this because she was usually very open and personal with me. She keep using that agains me, even though I’ve sincerely apologized. Not once in this entire situation has she said sorry for making me feel terrible and uncared for, and she hasnt once acknowledged that she could be in the wrong, where I have apologized many times for several different things thats i am truly sorry for and know I have done wrong. Her excuse is that she is not responsible for my feelings. But i feel she is using that as an excuse to not take responsibility for her actions. While its true that she isn’t responsible for the way I feel, i think she kind if IS in this situation because she did directly hurt me on many occasions. im honestly not sure how to feel about this.

I don't know it's very complex like what if you say go kill yourself to someone and they actually do it or like someone getting verbally abused constantly getting told their "ugly" and they actually start to believe that

just stay in your line..

On a certain level, we have emotions in our brain, the neurochemicals that show up in flow: so dopamine, norepinephrine, anandamide, endorphins, and serotonin. If you were to try to cocktail the street drug version of that, right, you're trying to blend like heroin and speed and coke and acid and weed- and point is, you can't do it. It turns out the brain can cocktail all of 'em at once, which is why people will prefer flow to almost any experience on Earth. It's our favorite experience. It's the most addictive experience on Earth. Why? 'Cause it cocktails five or six of the largest pleasure drugs the brain can produce. We're all capable of so much more than we know. That is a commonality across the board. And one of the big reasons is we're all hardwired for flow, and flow is a massive amplification of what's possible for ourselves.

Therapy is a place that SHOULD be free of judgement, and while any therapist worth their salt will offer a judgement-free space, not all therapists will actually be so accepting. This is a subject that my friends and I have related upon, in the unfortunate experience of feeling misunderstood, judged and put down by a therapist when we’re most vulnerable.

I say this to emphasize that it’s not necessarily your fault if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist. I understand in the context of this video, the asker is specifically addressing this issue as their own issue, but I want anyone that DOES feel judged by their counselor, or not confident in opening up, to know that it’s not your own shortcoming, your therapist may be unprofessional and unequipped for this role, and there IS someone better out there for you.

Your trust should be earned by a therapist, and built upon.

Am I responsible for other people's behaviors

I always felt responsible for how other people feel like even they ditch me around I be like no it's me I,ve done something wrong and would literally overanaylse stuff and would never tell my problems to anyone like first in first I would ask how other people are doing and then oh okay this person is sad mad happy I need to be just like that to neutralize gosh it's so hard I,m trying to stop this but it's making me more getting in the loop which is even more frustating

Short answer is no. I suspect that feeling like we are responsible for how others feel comes from a need to people please. Toxic people will think that you are responsible for them, but the reality is that, you’re not

I've been dealing with an acquaintance as of late who, when I spoke my opinions, took it as a means of a personal attack on her character. I felt partially responsible for her feelings and still feel bad about it almost a year later. You see, there was this dinner and the place was very loud and obnoxious. She was the one who set up the dinner for the group, so the so-called opinions were aimed towards her. After I said what I wished to say about the dinner in a private message to her, she blew up at me, accused me of being ungrateful, unfriendly, and rude, then she left our group abruptly, then came back 5 days later as if nothing was ever wrong. I'm sitting here with no closure as we haven't ever discussed this matter-I feel if I DO discuss the matter then I am the negative Nancy of the group by bringing it up. But, at the same time, I also care about MY feelings as a person and want closure! It also seems like NO ONE ELSE in the group is effected by her, even though equally they agreed with my opnions about the dinner..only myself and one other peson spoke up about it to her.She is a nice person on her platform online, but, in person, she is all about HERSELF..NO ONE ELSE. She doesn't have the group's best interest at heart. She has HER own best interests at heart when it comes to certain things.What you've said here really helps me because although I openly apologized to her in a personal message, I STILL am feeling my own feelings of abandonment by her as she's given me the cold shoulder ever since. She barely acknowledges me and only responds when she feels like it. With everyone else though, it's an entirely different story as she responds to them immediately. But, she and I don't know each other that well as she knows the rest of the group-I just met her in 2021.
I need to realize that I am NOT responsible for HER feelings. And I also need to take my OWN feelings into account when dealing with this person. She's an overall very nice individual-bubbly personality; but like so many of us, she has her faults. She can be very immature when it comes to constructive criticism. I honestly wish I could go back and take what I said back by not saying anything at all-the old me would have kept quiet-but I can't change things; what's done is done, and I feel I have to face the consequences of what was said, even though I still strongly stand by what I said to her about the dinner overall!
Thanks for letting me vent as it's bothered me as of late. I know she is probably not at all bothered by it, nor is anyone else of the group; especially the one person who brought it up to begin with. If anything she's more talkative with her than she has ever been with me. I just hope that those people aren't saying anything negative about me behind my back because of it. If so, then I may need to re-think my place within the group; do I REALLY belong?!

I think I am empathetic with a fear of hurting others because I feel them myself. If someone is upset, I get upset. If someone is anxious, I get anxious. This can be very triggering to me and so usually many people have to be very careful around me. But I try not to blame them for my triggers. On the other hand, one of my parents often tell me "you hate me". They tell me how I feel, how I think or act around them because of them. It's really difficult to not feel responsible for their emotions when they're essentially saying "you make me feel hated". When they say things like "you're angry with me" I've had many many arguments with them trying to explain that my emotions are mine and mine alone, and that they have no right to tell me how I feel. But after years of trying, it's never really gone through their head. They also tell me I'm an "evil, awful, arrogant, rude person" for making them feel that way. Any criticism against their behaviour turns right around back at me.

Kati is a bad bee ❤🙏🏾

Thank you

At 32, I am FINALLY letting go of my obsession with taking responsibility for the ENTIRE world. Uff!! The amount of stress leaving my body right now is insane. I can finally be normal :D

Okay, im really hoping someone can share some insight with me here. I'm learning the whole 'other peoples feelings are not your responsibility' thing. And I agree, our emotions and feelings are our responsibility, and other peoples emotions and feelings are their responsibility...it makes sense on the surface. But then I get confused...

If someone else's feelings are not our responsibility, then technically could we not simply go up to someone and say something mean, and when they respond in an upset manner could we not just shrug and say 'not my responsibility'?

And if something we do or say hurts someone's feelings, do we need to apologize? Afterall if it is their feelings that are hurt, thats their responsibility right?

And when does someone's behavior have to change? At what point is someone's behavior the issue?

I'm not too sure if I am just way over thinking this but I'm hoping someone can make this make sense for me.

Any thoughts/advice are genuinely appreciated as I try to wrap my head around this 🙏

I feel like the moment I started to engage life in the mindset of "emotional responsibility of the individual" - the more assertive I became. We can influence others but their reactions are ultimately that of their own... and their "emotional management" is their business. It's ok to express emotions but the management is of the individual, regardless of how much others try to blame others for their emotions (especially blaming others except themselves for patterns of emotions... emotional immaturity). It's very easy to blame, it takes a lot of self-work and changing our mindset to stop blaming others and start taking ownership of ourselves and our actions. For adults, it might feel cold to let go of catering to emotional management of other adults but you're doing each other a huge service to not engage this form of immaturity. I suppose it feels cold if there's unfamiliarity and fear, but the real stress is living in the people pleasing mindset - inauthentic and avoiding the emotional management of the self.

I love my mom, but sometimes she blames everyone even me for her feelings. I'm never allowed to express discomfort from her wrong doings, she takes it way to personally and like an attack. Also, I end up apologising for it and makes fun of the situation for some days making me feel like s child.

I'm not allowed to be pissed off, because she is having it way harder than me in life being an adult. Always telling me I'm disgraceful, that I should go get a job and a house If I'm so mad.

Never thought my mom could have been a cause of my anxiety. I love my mom so much, even If she does this, I need to place some boundaries to not let her comments hurt me.

I have experienced done that, is like automatic. And there is also another thing, the other person resulted to not care about my care, at all. Then, in another vision of it, it can be exhausting to in real life, relate with someone who tries to read you, we just want a natural interaction, to enjoy from the richness of each individuation. I have realized that it is a way to maintain control in the relationship (and it is not due the person being a bad a one) to manipulate the outcome. Can be painful to accept, but is because That person wants something from the other that she/he can not provide for herself. You do have ti evaluate both sides. It is a Courage approach.

Thank you Kati, you made 3 really good insightful points I haven't considered!
1. What is actually upsetting to us?
2. Only believe in facts not hypotheticals (read mind or future)
3. Ask them how they feel, tell them whats going on for you
I perceive I take more effort than others to be understanding ,empathetic and forgiving, so I expect them to be upset where I wouldn't be so I think the first tip doesn't work for me. Plus, people get upset by different things anyway.
One thing that helps me personally is to reflect on my experience of being judged and see that I'm a survivor - no judgement of others has forced me to lose anything I've not been able to gain elsewhere...so why worry so much what people think of me? Just do the best I can at the time to be loving and not worry, cause I think the exhaustion is from the worry rather than the action taken to make someone feel better? Sometimes even the action can be too much, better not overwork ourselves.

I feel this a bit tricky. While we are not responsible for other people happines, we still are responsible for our actions towards them. Can you explain where is the line getting crossed in not being responsible for other peoples feeligs and emotions when it goes to unconscious gaslighting or invalidating other people feelings? Why should we communicate in relationships if we are not responsible for other people feelings? Just to let them emotions out is not enough if we don't want our interactions to get better, I believe. My partner uses this fraze "i'm not responsible for your emotions" when I try to explain how I felt. Why should we communicate then about feelings? What with emotional abuse? Does it exist then if people are not responsible for others feelings?