Emotional Intimacy: The Missing Piece to Many Relationships

Emotional intensity arises from a need to share yourself rather than your thoughts. It is not a male-female thing. It is a secure soul (inner self connection) vs a personality self (adaptive outer-World orientation, trying to fit in or present to others what living in this culture expects one to be.

Im an INFP with an INTJ partner. It's quite hard to constantly feel emotionally close with my partner especially since he's a very logical and analytical thinker. I often feel close to him when I can touch him and see him but it's hard when we're apart. I know I cant change him but there's an emotional need I have that's quite often unmet and idk how to go about it or if Im just being pessimistic

Minute 3.00 till 3.15 so true

You’ve gone to the wrong churches..likely Catholic

My church Redeemer in New York has an awesome question and answer session after church. It is great.

The innovative insights in this content are groundbreaking. A similar book I read led to a pivotal shift in my perspective. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

I think I'm ENFP

I am an INFJ. I think that I have finally found my person. We have amazing emotional intimacy.❤

Okay, but that example of sexual attraction to others is not really where most secrecy/ intimacy lies.

You should look into Islam.

Thank you for this great video! It is what I have been searching for. Also... I want you to know that my pastors are all happy to answer any of my Bible questions. Not all pastors are trustworthy, but, the ones I know are super good at showing and explaining the Bible. Please let me know if you want their phone number and I will share it with you. You can ask any question.

What were some of your hard questions in the "religious" environment. Maybe I can answer them, from another infj

Hi Clay…I’m a late comer to your video but it really resonates with me. I have been in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. Either she’s afraid to or doesn’t have it in her to have the “intimacy” you are talking about either me. It’s been on again off again for seven years with me eventually losing my shit due to the “lack of intimacy and hoke in my soul it produces” and her leaving because…maybe what I am asking for is too much for her to give or she doesn’t know how to give? She’s super conflict avoidant so, when it gets really tough just up and leaves. We keep getting back together with promises of working on communication to ultimately help intimacy happen but complacency stops my pursuit of the communication/relationship work and as she’s the avoidant, without me driving the training, it falls off snd back to not getting my needs met…rinse and repeat. I have to be the adult and know now I can never stop insisting and implementing regular couples work to help us succeed. I can’t deal with yet another failure at my own hands.

Dr. Sue Johnson’s EFT couples work looks very promising of opening up positive communication between couples.

My GF shows live through Acts of Service and although appreciated just doesn’t bring the connection and emotional closeness I crave.

I called her out the other day advocating for my need of intimacy from her. Thought, now I’ve done it and she’ll be off again before I know it. Well, to my shock her texting lately feels WAY more loving and intimate. Baby steps right, baby steps.🙏 I am hopeful as I am very much in love with her and see such potential in our relationship if we can stick to the course work and make and effort to be open, honest, and nonjudgmental.

Just a little share! Thank you for your video! 🫡

Problem is that many people have emotionally stayed children where they want to be loved and accepted for who they are inside and not for who they show up

Most men don’t seem to realize that emotional intimacy fuels a woman’s sex drive.

The people I meet call surface level topics as communication and when I wanna go deep they say I'm being too much and hard to love. 😂.

Where can I find an INFJ like you?

Are isfj as well that has issues besides the infj.

💯 Clay…most men are petrified of vulnerability & don’t even know it

Absolutely! Thank you, I totally agree that many people never get to this level of trust between each other since they don't allow for emotional intimacy to settle down. And I also agree that most men don't have a clue about it, while most women do. And this is exactly the reason why women stop having sex with their husbands. But I also believe that women should learn how to handle emotional intimacy from men more gently.

I think one of the problems in modern relationships/intimacy is that modern women are more self-absorbed with everything outside of their partners.

When talking about the fact that men cannot admit to being attracted to another woman if they're in a relationship, you fail to consider the partner's perspective. Why can't I be myself and say it hurts me if I catch him saying he has fantasies about another woman? Why am I not free to say it upsets me? Honesty and being able to be oneself go both ways.

Awesome podcast! My big question is where do you find men that actually think like you? My experience has only been with men who are relationship coaches. That can’t possibly be the only men. This is distressing!

What you are saying is also available for women.. they carry even more shame and have to deal with men’s double standards..if you want to share that deep inner self be prepared for reciprocity and invite your partner to reveal herself first while proving yourself trustworthy and nonjudgmental..

Underrated channel, but brilliant video you made. This is for anyone to understand intimacy and emotional connection with someone cared the love one. I want to care for my platonic (not officially yet) and repair myself for my emotional, heal my break up my ex and emotional available on may 15.

I am secure and working myself to stop being so bad.

Thank you for giving words to these meanings❤

I have a question for you buddy. You said you had a lot of questions when you were a Christian and people did not know how to answer that. Questioning everything is actually biblical look up the bereans. And I'm sorry to say but too many people claim. They are Christian and they're wolf in sheep's clothing. But hey if you still have those questions I would love to be able to answer them.

I think without emotional intimacy, we are just mamals humping each other

You’re so real

this is just such a wonderful assessment of deeper intimacy. and very crucial. thank you for your inquiry…. about vulnerability
so important. getting down to deeper truth
about what makes a connection feel safe.

Man would I love to talk to you for a while.. Its like your taking all the info out of my thoughts right now.. I crave this level of honesty and realness.. I have been in a relationship for over 15 years with an introvert... I don't know how since I am 100% opposite...

I have been with my husband almost 18 years. I was 19 he was 20 I came from a house with an autistic unemotionally available father so I was desperate for someone to love me. I ignored every signal he sent and I used physical intimacy to try to make him love me. We have never established emotional intimacy he is not very good at communication and it seems like he is hiding things because he doesn't know how to communicate. Within the last 3 years I have been diagnosed with ADHD and self diagnosed with autism so I have been unmasking and it is not easy or pretty. At the beginning of this week it reached a boiling point and I can not live like this anymore I need more I need a reset not with a new person either by myself or with him. After two kids and 18 years of only physical intimacy I feel like physical intimacy is a demand and I don't do well with demands. I guess my question is after 18 years together is it acceptable or smart to pause physical intimacy to build emotional intimacy and reset an unhealthy pattern?

me and my bpd wife married young and i failed her didnt know emotional intimacy was big part of relationships. probably the sole reason we broke down and now im learning to be a better communicator

100% this has been my experience when searching for understanding what intimacy looks like for me regardless of being a man. Lots of information that is mentioned as how the woman will react or what she is thinking I would find myself identifying more with the supposed female responses or thinking. It was a huge road block because it would shut me down as I didn’t want to be seen as being a man with female energy. Thus, blocking my authentic self. Thanks you for this video and sharing your understanding, much appreciated.

I really fear for the young ones coming into adulthood now. They relate on screens with one-liners. Things like compromise, communication, sacrifice, resilience, patience, commitment, and conflict resolution aren’t even in their vocabulary, let alone moral compass. I don’t think they know how to be in relationships long-term. Plus, they seem to be allergic to things like work. Hope I’m wrong.

🤔 Is this about an@l? Or foot fetish? Or koprophilia (do NOT image search that, ffs)?
Because then I (f) don't want to know. You can have that with someone else, no problem. I'm very much pro outsourcing sexual stuff, that I don't agree with; because, let's be honest, I agree with very little anyway. And if you do this with someone else, all I want to know is, that I don't have to worry about you bringing home STDs.
So - please - do not be open and vulnerable with me, if you need to wear a dog collar or do it in a dumpster or are super into CBT. I seriously don't want to know.

The thing is: to be honest to someone you need to be honest to yourself. And that might question a lot in your life. It is easier to keep the curtain up and hide or lie to yourself further and further.

Or you are open and honest.. but it doesn’t get any response

It’s hard when you are neglected emotionally and sexually. It kills you as a woman or at least me. I hope to heal now. I hope my marriage can heal. Its challenging to be married to an “ Avoidant”. God grant is a miracle. We are in therapy.

What an insightful video! 🤩 Thanks for sharing your ideas on this underrated topic. 🙏 It's so refreshing to hear a man talk so openly about emotional intimacy.

I could relate to so much of what you said. I'm also a 'questioner'- why stay on the surface when there’s so much to explore underneath, right? (INFJ alert! 😊🤭) I’ve realised that many people aren’t comfortable with deeper questioning because it can expose their vulnerabilities. Society often sees that as a weakness, when in reality, it’s one of our greatest strengths as human beings. It’s the essence of who we are at our core.

I only started to discover how deep a connection can be when I met other INFJs, but it’s not just about personality type. It’s a matter of how willing people are to be vulnerable, open, and genuine in their relationships.

Feeling loved, understood, and accepted is something we all crave, as these are basic human needs. 🌎💓🫂

Your thoughts and perspective on emotional intimacy are extremely helpful. I am striving to learn emotional intimacy as I seek to become a full and complete partner to my wife.

I definitely prefer a more romantic relationship with emotional depth over a more practical, surface level, transactional, mechanical one...

excellenet video very well presented i enjoyed that

Thanks for this video, Clay. 🙂 my personality type is IFNJ like yours, I wonder why in dating I haven't met people with this personallity type.
Would love to date a man with the same personality type as mine. ✨

Thanks, great info

I can relate to this so much ... I grew up in church as well and even as young as I can remember, I was always a free thinker. I knew it was my choice to decide if Christianity or some other religion was what I wanted for myself, regardless that I knew my family viewed anything outside of their beliefs as evil. But I always had questions and sometimes a different understanding of the scriptures than others and one time I got my answer gracefully from a Sunday School teacher when I asked why we don't call it Sabbath like it says in the 10 commandments and they were honest about the truth Sabbath being on Saturday but gave their explanation as to why we met on Sunday. But when I was a teenager we were given an assignment to do a lesson on questions other people submitted anonymously. I got the question "Will suicide send you to hell?" A pretty loaded question that I didn't want to get wrong so I asked the pastor and he answered with obvious resentment "Why don't you find out and let me know?" like I was trying to set him up or something. Other times I got the cold shoulder for speaking my opinion or trying to explore ideas people either had no interest in or were too prideful to admit it was beyond them. So yeah, I've just been realizing lately how the culture in the church to not ask questions, not challenge authority, not hold anyone truly accountable for their actions, not be able to have any new ideas. A few rare people came back and told me they started seeing what I was talking about but overall the environment in churches is more fearful than tolerant and understanding and it's generally not a place you can be accepted authentically. And yeah, people will call you crazy, say you're causing division, make out like you're not a true believer or have gone off the deep end. I remember one time I went to a lady maybe 4-6yrs older than me or something that was influential in the church and was extremely vulnerable in sharing that I didn't have any friends and was having a hard time connecting with others. (I was an adult) and her response was, "Let's pray and ask God to send you some friends." ...when I would have expected her to say "Hey, I'll be your friend" or "Let's see what we can do to help you get better connected with the people your age here." Years later she did visit my house to bring me a basket from the congregation after my husband passed which was meaningful but we never had a personal relationship. I literally had to find a commune to visit before I realized I could actually have perfectly decent, deep conversations with people without feeling any loss to my sense of safety. That's when I realized just how ostracized and dysfunctional people in my normal circle had made me feel (from multiple churches).

What a refreshing take on relationship. New sub 👍🏼

I love that you use "I" statements to describe things you observed or ideas that formed in your head. None of this makes you sound like a guru trying to teach people things about love. I value your opinion and insight on this topic.

As a heterosexual male, I haven't "liked" anyone enough to get motivated enough to "chase" anyone for 20 years, and ofc that lead to no romantic relationship. I think what "like" meant to me is talking about emotional intimacy, like "why certain things value to people so differently?", "how much does a human's appearance matter to you?", "regardless of its market value, how much does this and that value to you?"

Questions like these drive 90% of people away instantly, and the rest 9% don't agree with you, and the 1% that do are my close male friends 😂

Wow--this is so right on point...especially the last 1/2...also, once there is no sharing, a lot of times, men will act out their desires by leaving a relationship where they are not intimate, to find a relationship where they can find intimacy...and maybe women too (they may not leave as much, but they might leave as well)...dts/usa