Surviving Infidelity: Four Ways to Help a Betrayed Spouse See the Unfaithful Spouse Differently

The thing is he needs to be able to open up and communicate WHY he did this. Until he does this I can’t move through the pain, the hurt, the anger and rage. I feel like I’m in an emotional prison

Your videos have been so very helpful. But unfortunately the other partner might not want to hear the message. Even if the videos were sent to them. Some people are just not capable of thinking.

Thank you for this Samuel. It helped me and also moved me to emotional tears. So sad that we hurt one another like this. So much is lost because of it and it’s time we can never recover. Hopefully there will be lessons learned in this difficult. struggle.

I am the unfaithful and I ruined my life for a cheap thrill under the influence of things , but nonetheless I made my choices- I told him yesterday ( my boyfriend) about a one time affair last year, and I'm in pain. I'm in pain over everything that I've put him through, this man was good to me, he was amazing to me, he was perfect. I hate myself, I can only pray to God that he doesn't change who he is and goes forward loving someone or being loved by someone who doesn't betray him the way I did.

I'm the betrayed, the cheated on here. What can you do if the unfaithful never disclosed and even upon your finding and calling them out they still don't make a disclosure. No admission, no owning. The best I can get to my prodding her is silence. So how can you go into recovery when the wound is yet to be acknowledged fully on both sides?

I really like your videos but I don't think doing your share of the housework should be framed as a "sacrifice" or something you do "for" her. It should be something you both do because you both live there.

To add to my initial comment,
MY partner did agree to look at wedding venues 6 weeks ago where we actually ended up booking something for 2024. Since then until 1 week ago, things really did improve and I slowly see her guard come down much more until last week when she came home and said she no longer wanted to be in the relationship because she cannot forget what happened with my affair even though she has forgiven me

Hi Sam, thank you so much for this video. The real thing that should put was the part about patience… something I have failed to show. I had a horrible affair prior to the birth of our child for a mixture of reasons all wrong and very cowardly of me. I ended the affair after 2 years and myself and my betrayed spouse decided to try again and bought a new house together to try and start fresh. Whilst I’ve worked on myself, never gone back in any wrong way like even looking at a girl in the wrong way, however 2.5 years on, I think my oversight and lack of patience has caused my spouse to no longer want our relationship. We’re still living together and I just want to know if there is anything I can do to hold on to any hope that she might want to give me one last chance.

After 3 years I learned sometimes the Betrayed won't get help because it's up to the unfaithful to fix themselves. Betrayed didn't do anything wrong, it was done to them. So the unfaithful needs to be the one to fix themselves. With that said...after years of the unfaithful doing everything to improve and change and then the betrayed still isn't satisfied and still shames you for what you did to them...what then? The unfaithful impacted the relationship but now we are talking about 2 people in the relationship growing together. The thing about ANY relationship (affair or not) is growing and healing TOGETHER. Yes, one person caused it. But no matter what trauma people have been through, you still need to heal and get better. Most of the time this isn't with the person who hurt you. It can be from childhood/adulthood. Either way, BOTH need to do the work to get better.

I'm the unfaithful spouse. I have been watching videos and reading articles. I'm about to go to my library and get some books as well. I'm a stay at home mom and we have one income. We can't afford for me to get help/counseling. Even though I want to do all the right things.

Any recommendations for remaining patient while pregnant? My spouse separated and moved out a month after we found out I was pregnant. I've been dealing with constant morning sickness, nausea, and fatigue as well as the 2 young kids by myself. I'm trying to keep up with all the house chores, budget, finances, emotional work and helping trauma. It just feels like so much when on top of pregnancy. My spouse says he needs time to heal but doesn't give an amount of time. I'm due the end of October. You say 12-24 months to fully heal. If he isn't home before the baby is born how will I take care of a newborn, myself, and the kids?

This is such a great video OMG I'm so glad I ran into this channel. This is my life right now. I have high hopes that my marriage Will Survive

Your videos are appreciated! Godspeed.

Why do I not want him to do anything for me? I feel like it is just fake and don't mean much. Is that bad ? Well ps we are 3 months in and he will not talk to me about the AP, well without getting mad and even our marriage.

I still trying to heal….waiting for the next wave and disclosure

Cheaters change??? I think it’s possible, but unlikely. Highly unlikely. And dangerous for the betrayed to count on.

Just stumbled across this a few days after my spouse revealed the affair to me. We're working on it - thank you so much for this. You'll have no idea how hopeful this makes me feel.

My husband doesn’t want to do therapy and is tired of me being sad all of the time. He cheated on me January 2020. Can’t you imagine “tired of me being sad all
Of the time” oops I’m sorry I’m hurt by your actions

How can we connect with a therapist from your organization, not in a group setting, but a personal level. How do we find mentors?

The betrayed has to be willing to see the unfaithful differently also. Exactly correct.

At 18 yrs from Dday, Here's my experience and dilemma which is the worst part of feeling unsafe/safe. My spouse was my go to security/sanctuary in times of crisis. Now he was the unfaithful i ran from but left me with no one to run to for this devastating revolation. I know this sounds weird but I now see him as a split personality.

It’s been 3 weeks since I found out about my husband. He swears he never touched her,but that’s not what their texts say. I am dying inside. I need the truth and he won’t admit it. 💔

Thank you so much, My husband hasn't even told me everything that happened, I have no clue what to do.

Have watched so many of your videos and this is the first comment I've left, spot on. I've tried to tell my spouse that what she has done to me/us and her lack of even being able to detach from her affair partner ("ended" it a month ago, then "ended" her affair just again last weekend) and expecting me to even get a chance to be mad, grieve or even think about forgiveness is madness. Just can't thank you and all the people from this channel for helping me not think I'm taking "crazy pills"

Good morning brother Sam. My girl and I have been going through recovery and I don't think I can ever get over the betrayal from her but these videos are really working magic. She asks for forgiveness and gets frustrated until she cries and yells out in anger and then cries more than before. I hope she really becomes a better human being. Thanks and God bless you

I’m an unfaithful. My betrayed is living every day like it just happened yesterday. She filed for divorce. I just want her to heal. For her own mental health. I have owned everything. Full disclosure. (Affair was emotional) I need help. ❤️

When you talk about patient. It is hard to be patient when you know your spouse is on dating sites while I am trying to get better. How do I deal with that?

What do you Samuel when the unfaithful just stops trying, stops going to counseling, stopped working on our marriage, will not talk, will not do the work? I’m at my wits end.

I betrayed my wife. 3 times mind you. We are 6 years into marriage with 4 kids. D*Day she caught me watching porn. I realized unfortunately then I had a serious problem and had to be honest and tell her and face it. She has removed her ring and told me to consider myself single. I'm hurt but nowhere near as hurt as she could possibly be. I found a therapist and scheduled immediately...3 weeks from now was earliest. Im on the couch now. Nights are hardest and loneliest but im willing to fight the uphill battle to win her back again, hopefully. I realize she may never take me back and divorce me even if I change for the better. I want to be better to be a fully realizef person on my own. I just want her to be with me when I'm that person as well. Thank you for these videos! They really do help. Especially not condemning we betrayers.

Thank you, Samuel! My unfortunate reality was her need to keep punishing me emotionally and controlling my life. Her best friend was my support system too, but truthfully I needed my own. In the end, I cried out and told her that I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed and angry. I told her that we need to come up with a plan, because I was starting to break down. In the end, her refusal and put all the blame on me drove me out after being kicked out one too many times, or 4 to be exact.

Thank you for making these videos. For the first time in a long time, I feel understood.....not so alone.

Samuel, You have been such a help to me and my spouse since discovery and disclosure these past two years! Thank you so much! You and Samantha give me hope.

So after more than a year of increasingly horrific discoveries, just a few months ago I found out the worst yet. I have tried, so hard, to get on the road to recovery and to support him while trying to survive this. He’s tried too. Therapy, counselling... But the way he’s let me discover it all - his ongoing lies, even if he was just afraid of how I might respond to the truth - it’s destroyed me. I have nothing left to give. I’m living in total fear of what might come next. He swears there’s nothing more, but he’s sworn that on at least a dozen occasions. So even if it’s true, how can I - stuck in a trauma pit so deep I can no longer see sunlight - find a way out? Shouldn’t I just give up? I’ve lived this for nearly two years already. Now it sounds like I have up to another 18 months before I’ll feel like a human being again. I don’t know what to do.

It’s been 2 1/2 years. Done everything you mentioned. It happened 20 years ago. I have told them every single peace of information I can remember. The puzzle will never be complete. They do not want to go to therapy because they will never get the full story. 😞

You sir have saved my relationship and beyond that have made me a better man overall. I’m a recovering heroin addict who works in the addiction treatment field. I know how to treat addiction in others but I was clueless on how to treat myself in regards to betraying my spouse. I had all but given up on my relationship until in desperation I found your videos. The first one I watched radically changed my perception and I immediately took responsibility for my actions as a unfaithful. Thank you for what you do and please keep up the good work!

It sucks. I really wish we could do group together as a couple. But, this quarantine is making that impossible.

I really want to thank you for your videos. I'm a betrayed. My wife is a diagnosed bipolar sex addict. I see all the work she is putting in. But, my D day was only March 4 th. A ridiculous amount of flings in a short period of three months was uncovered. I'm trying. But, it gets so hard sometimes. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. My physical triggers, she removed out of the house. My mental trigger's. I am getting therapy for.

Very useful information...
But in my case there is something different.I been married for 28 years. Just a month ago I realized that he is cheating on me and I caught him,the pain I felt and still feeling is indescribable. I watched your videos but I'm confused because my husband is an alcoholic. He is well educated man and alcoholic for 6-7 years and recently sober for 2 years. Now in that case I don't know how to react or deal with my situation.?

Can an unfaithful truly be in love with their spouse even though they've had one night stands and one affair?

I'm trying to move forward as a betrayed spouse. Although hes done some things to help but I still have moments where I feel extremely distant, sad and hurt. I've been triggered and get lost in my head with thoughts even though I try to prevent it. However, hes not done online work, hes not changed very much in fact hes reverted a little to how he was before. When I send him videos like these he gets irritated. I feel like he thinks hes above the process. Hes convinced he'd never do it again and because I still have triggers and moments I'm trying to constantly fight with him and I dont want to get better. When I have these moments I'm just wanting to make him as miserable as I am. Then he goes back to being hurtful and saying hurtful things. Its closing my heart to him. I dont know how to stop my heart from closing without feeling like I have to stop talking about what's bothering me for his sake. I feel trapped. What do I do?

This! It’s been almost 3years sinceDDay and I haven’t seen any kind of action and commitment to get help. He isn’t worried about getting help, reading, videos... that’s the problem. I dove into all this at the begging, I was the one to decide we needed therapy. I have been the one to read books, videos, articles, and have not received the same thing in return. With two small girls, I have been patient and can’t keep allowing myself to keep being miserable.

Thank you so much , needed to hear this.... thank u god bless

1. Get to ground zero. Full disclosure. 2. Take action. Read books and articles. Find support, and get accountability. Basically, do repair work on your own. Don’t just check the boxes they assign you. INITIATE CONVERSATIONS about triggers and recovery!! 3. Be patient. Don’t expect betrayed to say or do things before they’re ready simply because you’re suffering from withdrawal. 4. Sacrifice. Whatever that means for you. Voluntarily lighten the load of the betrayed. Don’t complain and be consistent. It makes a difference.

When you are separated, it's difficult to clean the house and cook dinner. How long does the separation last. It seems difficult to me that you can restore the relationship if you are living in two separate homes. I understand the steps you are speaking to - but how do you get back to being "together" to move forward?

My husband caught me cheating last week via texts, Emotional and physical touch. I lied to my husband and his thoughts are if he didn’t find out how long and how far would this have gone. He said the woman he married died... we are in quarantine and are in the same house. I been watching these videos, I’m trying to equip my self in understanding how to save the relationship. This is all so fresh and raw, I’m not sure what I can do at this stage

As the unfaithful spouse, I was told...” I love you but I’m not in love with you because you broke me.” We split a year ago and have STILL been in limbo. He see’s me different thankfully but not fully in love. I tried to be a better boyfriend this past year and now he feels like all my pressure has been forcing us to be back together. He admits he just wants to work on himself and remain great friends. I don’t want to be too forceful but how do I re-establish our connection?

He lied for 38 years! We were separated from another infidelity. I asked him if he had slept with anyone and he said no. So we got back together. Then he had another affair infidelity. Anyway he got a guilty conscience at 65 years old then he trickled truth and gaslighted for another nine nine months and I still don’t believe him. It’s been 10 months and still more. Samuel it’s bad because he swore on my children and god and I take those things very seriously .. he hurt me so bad I can’t forgive or believe him. How do I deal with this. I was doing so well but the therapist told me he was lying be prepared!

Yep. THIS. Don't give the betrayed lip service, then keep your business-as-usual behavior (with or without "acting out") and pressure or lecture the betrayed about their own recovery. 

Unfaithful: 
QUIT the secrecy from your spouse; 
QUIT compartmentalizing your life; 
QUIT putting one ounce of onus on the betrayed as if they are somehow responsible for any of your behavior. 
OWN IT. EVERY DAY. Then maybe we'll see you differently. 
Amen.

Samuel., I am a betrayed. It has been 5 years. We've never really talked, it only comes up when we're falling apart. I am so broken... and I know he is. But for the life of me I can get him to accept we need help. I'm trying so hard to find help for myself. Watching all you videos has helped me some. With no money and no support in it 5 years and I am still drowning. And its like it's all just my problem.

Can you just tell me how to breathe? Just breathe. No tears on the exhale, no more palpitations, no more agony and just breathe?

Excellent advice.