The Antidote to Over Giving (Strategies to Stop INSIDE!) Codependent Relationships

I was just talking to my counselor and friend about this yesterday. I really want to change this about myself..‘‘tis wasn’t a learned behavior from my parents..I wanted ppl to like me when I was a kid bc other kids were jealous of me so I would do things for them to like me. I’m going to treat myself to a massage every month..that’s a start

AMAZING. Very well explained. ❤

Whenever I hear you describe narcissist and co-dependent I feel like you're talkin about my mom for both but if I'm not mistaken you said that a narcissist could not be a codependent and vice versa. I feel like she is a co-dependent to other people in a narcissist towards me

Thank you so much! I needed this.

It's tough to comment when asked to (this stuff is so personal and commenting is a form of opening up and being vulnerable - and brave) and then receive no response... (ouch, kinda scary), especially when you need one and are willing to participate, willing to do the work.

THANK YOU SO, dear Terri🙏🙏🙏SUCH SUPPORT!!! I have more and more noticed that I overgive and noticed the stress it brings to comply. This year, I am sending just a few Xmas cards and am giving money to charity as a present to the family😉

I set a boundary with my closest friend. I feel like I have done a lot for her and her husband and this that she asked me to do... I just didn't want to. I feel like I should have the freedom in a relationship to say no to something. I grew up in an alcoholic family, so saying no for me is very difficult and it's a big deal. I am making efforts to be healthy not only in body but mind and spirit as well. Setting boundaries is part of that. My friend stopped speaking to me... won't talk to me, return my calls, or text. The issue at hand... is that I won't keep her mother-in-law's dog for them. I am confused and hurt at what seems to me like an extreme reaction. I think my friend doesn't like being told no... and that she is probably stressed out about some things too. This is an uncomfortable position for me to be in. But... I believe I did the right thing. I can't keep saying yes when it's just causing me to become resentful. If I lose a 25 year friendship because of this... then I guess she wasn't the friend I believed her to be.

I loved this. Thank you so much. I’m on the mend from a lifetime of being co dependent.

I wanted to leave a relationship but the guy raged at me for it and made me feel guilty for wanting to leave, so for me it was emotional manipulation . Somehow I couldn't leave unless I had permission and he wasn't upset with me.

I have another reason to be an overgiver: I am very empathetic and I know that people in need often do not ask for help. I think this is a learned behavior that I got from my parents and maternal grandparents. My father and my two maternal grandparents went through great difficulties in life and it seemed that those times of scarcity were very much alive in their minds and they wanted to reduce the suffering in the world.

My narcky mom said it best - "Help is control."

*"You had to be utilitarian to be loved"* Nothing has ever rung so true. I felt like I was nothing and didn't deserve to be loved if I didn't do enough. And it was rare to have a day when I felt like I had done enough. And it seemed like the truth because my Mom didn't love if I didn't do enough.

This is so me...

I did that to myself till now and it's hard see that and see how it destroy your contact with yourself.

Absolutely amazing i totally recognise myself thanks so much terri just found your vids by accident and i love them .you are awesome. Many thanks for helping me way more than you could ever know.

Wow. This is a totally different perspective on something I've been doing all my life 😮

I grew up where I had to earn love... so I tried hard😏 as a kid... Now I am trying not to... I wish I could become more selfish😊

I literally cringe watching this, because it’s so accurate in regards to me. Thanks for this..

I think you just identified my internal cycle of self sabotage. I want to please everyone in order to get their praise, so I set the bar high. But I set it so high that I often cannot reach it (I'm the only one expecting me to). Then I feel like a failure and depression raise it's ugly head with negative self talk, etc.

I am not playing God! Superwoman Costume doesn't work!

I'm overgiving to feel accepted, noticed, valued, connected. Wow - I never thought about it but it's dysfunctional and that's why I feel drained.
But I also encounter that people demand that I give and help them even when they aren't real supportive friends. Somehow people feel they can lean on me and drain me for their own support and it makes me sick

Thank you Ms Terri!-

I will mention you in my gratitude journal Terri.. Grateful to you and the universe

You definitely just described me.

Thanks for opening our eyes !

Thank you for this. I would like to learn how to say no and stop overgiving without getting angry/resentful, this happens all the time in my relationships. I feel that I have gathered so much resentment through my life for feeling that I don't get back the same way that I give... its an endless loop, and as you say, not healthy

I overgive because I thought I was not worth anything. I thought it was me and now I know it was my nparents. They did not value me so I did not value myself. I am working on saying you are enough, always have been, it was them. I went thru a divorce and parents were buddy buddy with my abuse nexhusband, could care less how he treated me and I thought I must not be worth much. Now I know I matter and am worth something.

My regular self care is going for walks to process and unwind.

Thank you so much, It save me. I need to stop over giving .

AMAAAZING

Thank you very much. Very useful. I have been healing from over giving for the past 3 years and I am getting clearer about my inner fears and motives behind the giving.

omg i really needed to hear this, all of it

thank you

Omg this is is a really good video. It was 'yes' to all the questions and I could feel myself blushing. I'm super creeped out and floored at the same time.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Im in my 50's and seeing how overgiving isnt working for me anymore, this was the answer that i knew in my soul to be true.

I always give,but no one ever helps me. I'm not someone who begs,when I need help; just can't do it.
I've noticed when I speak up about this,they dismiss and mock me. I will be helping anyone anymore,only my mom.

Thank you.

I hope more people will watch this video. It’s so helpful to me and I think a lot of people need to hear this❤️

I came across you in my algorithm and it is perfect timing. I am having this challenge right now with my teens as a single mom...who also works as a nurse so the over-giving rings loud and true. I am gaining balance in the workplace but I have been noticing the over-giving pattern in my parenting and it has become too heavy. Grateful to find you to help guide us in how to change this. It's exhausting.

Thank you! I needed the reminder to work on my self care. I don't know why I have resistance for what should be such a simple thing. Even when I think I've gotten to a good level of acceptance, if I don't keep working at it, I fall into the cycle again. I've been trying to over give a lot less because of all the resentment & hurt it built up for me & how emotionally drained it made me. But it seems like a constant pull that I'll always struggle with. I do it to feel acceptance from people I care about since I had to earn acceptance from all 4 of my parents. I suppose I have to remember that I can't get complacent with self care without falling into the cycle of feeling under valued, etc.

Just Great n Thank you

I'm a giver because my mother was stingy all her life. I hated that in her. Even today I hate stingy people.

Recently had a friend tell me that people dont respect me because i give too much. Wow! That was a real eye opener for me and i put the brakes on giving to so called friends. I only give if i feel like it now.

Your perspective on this topic really opened my eyes and helped me see things about my own behavior and my upbringing. Thank you so much for these empowering insights which I can now use to monitor my own unconscious impulses to overcommit.

I think I over give to my friends because i really care about them and I never want them to feel the way i do. What I want is for them to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, accepted, supported, and taken care of. And giving is how I show my love and affection to my friends. But deep down I never feel as though my love and affection is ever good enough. It keeps me in a cycle of having to prove that my love for them is enough. And that I myself as a person am enough to keep them around so that they won't ever want to leave and disappear on me. But most often they end up leaving because I "smother them" and make them want to leave because they can't breathe. Or I "smother them" and then I want to leave because I end up feeling drained, exhausted, and unloved. And I hate myself for wanting to believe a friendship should be mutual. I feel as though my friends don't give enough. And I feel it's one sided. That they give the bear minimum and then call it love. While I'm left feeling neglected and used. How do I break the cycle. Everytime I start setting any kind of boundaries and stand on them I get severely punished and get kicked out on the streets. I said "No." To eating garbage salad that had bugs in it. And my last roommate threw a remote at me. All these experiences keep me trapped in the cycle of over giving and following orders inorder to keep myself safe and not be abandoned at the end. My friends are sick and all I want to do is go over their house and make them soup and tea and clean up (cause I can't leave a mess for them) and cry until they are no longer are sick. I just want to do everything to make sure they are taken care of. Hug them. Color them pictures and anything else to make them feel better. I'm trying not to cry right now as I'm writing this out. I hate being away from them and not being able to do anything to help them.

I take a guilt free rest in the afternoon sometimes if im feeling tired. Thank you for your videos they help me heaps. I am learning self care, wish i knew this stuff when i was younger.

I feel I invest too much for none of the reasons mentioned in the vid but because Im bilingual and have no family no close friends and still hold a foreign accent which is often undervalued and makes me feel as if I dont fit in.This makes me to work harder to prove my worth to others

Hey, I wanted to say thank you so much for this video.

I wish there was a tactful way to send this to my mother-in-law. I can’t breathe with how much she “gives” to my husband and I. It totally hit home to hear you use the example of being asked to bring one thing and bringing four. Or her constantly doing things without even being asked, which is actually over stepping . I’m so resentful of her at this point.