Are "people pleasers" manipulative?

Thank you for this very much having just watched a video with this narrative

I spent time around a chronic “people pleaser” as he described himself. And at no point was I ever “pleased” by his behaviour.
Calling yourself a PP is a bullshit way of saying “I ultimately need control and when I’m in situations where I lack it, I’ll continually ‘check on you’ or ‘make sure you’re ok’ to make you doubt yourself and you’ll end up depending on me so I can be the hero that no one asked for”

I am people pleaser to get something I want I don't just please if I know I won't benefit 😂

Maybe they’re not manipulative intentionally but faking is their cope mechanism and others do not deserve this. Having a fake boyfriend or friend, not realising this for years is unfair.

I'm here because I saw something nasty on IG and I needed to know the answer. But I fear a negative message is being sent out online. In this post I got the sense of victim blaming and shaming them I got helpful. I saw what felt like an opportunity for the oppressor to blame the oppressed for their oppression. It was icky.

I'm a people pleaser, but I also feel like I have narcissistic traits.

I disagree . A codependent can be a people pleaser & it can be manipulative. Not in the same way as a narcissist which Is on purpose . It’s more like if they are just meeting this person they may shape shift their persona just in hopes of this person really liking them. It’s not purposely done . More of a behavioral trauma from childhood.. more likely from a narcissist parent

As someone who is a people pleaser, it does stress me out when people call us "Manipulative", because it does trigger anxiety 1000 times more. If I have a partner that goes around and views me as manipulative for being anxious with setting boundaries, that will jsut make it even more unsafe to open up about feelings and communicate hard feelings.

I do believe it can be

Is an empath a manipulative person ?

Trauma is always complicated. it affects us for years can always be traced back to someone hurting us. If you’re creating an emotionally safe place for someone but they refuse to believe they are emotionally safe. Intentional or not they’re leading you to believe something that isn’t true. How is that not manipulation? It’s not narcissistic manipulation. But still creating circumstances in which you believe something that’s not true so they can avoid something they don’t like. How is that not manipulation?

OMG, don’t folks realize that those who are people pleasers are doing so so that they don’t get the crap kicked out of them for actually being authentic? It is completely defensive! Calling them selfish is victim blaming to the core!

As a people pleaser myself getting therapy and working on it..i think its manipulative..you’re manipulating others to get them to like you so youre not being your authentic self..

Bullshit. People pleasers are manipulative. Changing yourself to elicit a response you expect is exactly what manipulation is.

I was a people pleaser the word being was . I came from an abusive household it was not physical but verbal. Verbal abuse is just as bad as being hit. I watched my cuss and through narcissistic temp tantrums. It hindered my development and social connections. I became a people pleaser to avoid conflict. However I realize healthy relationships include conflicts. Healthy conflicts let people air there issues. I denied myself this part for most of my life in the mistaken belief it prevent verbal abuse. People pleasers never achieve happiness or a peace of mind.

I was pple pleaser being to nice or don't knw how tell pple no comes with alot of consequences later on in life pple will guilt trip you and manipulate you make you feel bad when you tell pple no they will really make you feel bad into you give in they will argue with you make you feel like you are wrong because you told them no I call them out now and I don't feel bad about it no means no my kids tries manipulatite and gaslight guilt trip me all the time same way with others I go off im sick of it this mess being going on for for years but know that I been educating myself I been calling them out they don't like it IDC

Here’s another question for you. Narcissists wear masks. How often do narcissists wear a people-pleasing mask?

People-pleasing is manipulative, but it’s like benign manipulation. Perhaps, your end-goal is personal safety and maintaining attachments, but your actions at the end of the day boil down to controlling what other people think and do, instead of working on your self-esteem.

I have a people pleaser wife and what is frustrating is she will overextend for other people at the expense of my kids and I. She will be this amazing selfless and giving person to her friends, siblings, parents and workmates until she is emotionally and physically exhausted. Then when she comes home, she is short tempered, drained and withdrawn. So for a long time, I began to resent her because I felt she prioritised other people over my kids and I. She would give of herself for the validation of other people before her own family. People pleasers have no boundaries and they can sacrifice their marriage and children in the need to get validation from other people. Their need to fit in with their friends, parents, siblings and workmates can be a drain on those that genuinely care for them.

I find this concept very intriguing & insightful the more I learn about this role/subtype…
This “maladaptive” approach of the not-so-sunny angle on people pleasing also makes a lot of sense personally as someone who just recently discovered this word, as being a people pleaser.


Dr. Les Carter (similar channel on yt) has a portion of his book that suggests people pleasing can actually have some rooted manipulative tendencies/motovation.
Not for the commonly assumed malicious or subversive intent/drives, but as a learned/adapted survival role throughout one’s developing attachment styles in relationships…

I am a People Pleaser , and yes it can end or lead to manipulation,, mostly to save face or reputation. Its really bad it just makes everything worser..

Your breakdown is biased.
Even narcissists come from trauma.

I think it's simpler than that. Toxic people will gaslight you. Accusing a people pleaser of being manipulative is projection, plain and simple.

Low self esteem always reflects approval seeking behaviour a certain way! And low self esteem is caused by your excessive unrealistic expectations yes religious trauma even the punishment evem maybe

Harsh shadow of harsh judgement even harsh criticism

Conflicts are important honestly

Ofcourse our needs, emotionally needs matter a lot!

Deep seared abandonement wounds even yes trye just wounds even

Fear or even some sort of obligation

Yeah toxic families yes that just sucks

I know the influencer who peddles this idea: the Crappy Childhood Fairy.

Thank you

thank you for talking about how women are raised into pleasers, appeasers and expected to give in and not push pack in so many cultures 🙏❤‍🩹

I don't think it's a form of manipulation but it's difficult to feel safe with a people pleaser because they have no boundaries and will burn out no matter how conscientious the other person they're with is. People pleasing creates inauthentic and unsustainable behaviors and relationship dynamics.

Yep. Deception is one of the core concepts embedded within the art of people pleasing.

I depends on the motivation.

Thank you so much for talking about this topic!

Amen❤

I don’t think that saying people pleasing is manipulative is the same as saying that people pleasers shoulder the entire blame for dysfunction in a relationships. I think people pleasing is a form of manipulation as well as a trauma response. I also think narcissism is manipulative as well as a trauma response. We all have healing to do.

YES.

For context, babies are born as manipulators, they pull on our emotions to have their needs met... it is basic biology and hard wired into us. The only reason for a knee jerk NO is because of all of the negative connotations surrounding the word 'manipulation'.

Is people pleasing negative? (Some people wear this trait like a badge of honor). Well it is negative to me, I can't stand the lies and ulterior motives that are frequent with this subset of people. There is also a seeming the lack of actual personhood coming from the 'people pleaser', do THEY even know who they are? How can you return the proverbial favor if it always only one way, or when they lie about what they want because they are too busy fishing for what YOU want... so end up completely unable to do an actual kindness for them?

I feel bad for most people pleasers, but I also can't stand them and am generally suspicious of their extreme lack of boundaries (usually a lack of boundaries for themselves). It is dangerous, and not just to them, but to people they think they are helping. (Note: 'people pleasing' in moderation is fine.. I am referring to those that define themselves as People Pleasers. And NO, they aren't all they way because they are victims, but I do believe it is a coping mechanism gone too far.

Note for contrast: I have been openly called a b*tch, and then had it noted that I respond to being called such as a badge of honor or respect. D@mn right I do, because while I DO try to be a nice person, I have boundaries. I generally only get called that name by someone when they strike my boundary (I communicate it clearly before hand it is rarely a surprise to those people). I am simply not letting them have their way into crossing into my territory and doing what they want, they get told no by me and stopped; I get call a b*tch. I'll wear that as a badge of honor all the day long, cause NO, you cannot abuse me or take advantage of me no matter how entitled you feel you should be. I give when and how I like; you don't have to receive what I am willing to give if you don't like it; and you can't take it if not freely given. I have limits, which I enforce for my own peace of mind and safety... and yours.

Do I like to please people and brighten their day? Yes, often I do. It uplifts my own day, and can sometimes be social capital. I am completely honest and upfront about that. Do I DEFINE myself as a 'people pleaser'? AH hell no.

Like attracts like. Anxious preoccupied "narcissists" attract dismissive avoidant "narcissists."

Ramani being a DA (dismissive avoidant.) But lots of other narcissism channels are run by APs (anxious preoccupieds.)

As a people pleaser, it’s awful knowing I do things so people appreciate me, when it is never reciprocated. I think it compares to the love language, acts of service. I enjoy helping people, and it’s difficult to understand if I ask for help and am disappointed.

she's such a victim, it's terrible

Witnessing a relationship between a narcissistic person and a people pleaser ends this idea to me that “people pleasing is manipulative”.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder will people please whenever it may be to their gain, and pull it back and punish when they don’t get the response they want. That’s manipulative. The people pleaser will avoid conflict and do everything in their power to not be abused once again, and not to gain anything. That is not manipulative. It definitely is inauthentic and causes problems in other relationships. But it’s not showing a certain behavior made to benefit them. It’s neglecting their own needs to avoid abuse. The only thing that makes sense to me is that all manipulative people are people pleasers, but not all people pleasers are manipulative: and people pleasing behavior isn’t manipulation on its own. Manipulation happens when you affect an outcome of a situation to gain control of the other, not when you affect the outcome of a situation by withdrawing, to avoid losing control of yourself. That’s not to say you can’t affect the outcome of a situation by withdrawing to gain control of the other person, but that again is abuse, and will show itself in how you behave in the next situation to gain control of the other once again.

People pleasers like attention

Thank you
Keeping myself safe is NOT manipulation and is NOT selfish.

Its very simple. A child in an abusive environment and no understanding of connection to Source for everything had only 2 options to bevome - The obedient, quiet child or a narcissist.

It was survival

The good news is you did survive and it shows your strength. Now you can finally be TOTAL YOU.

I was told my people pleasing is a sign of complex PTSD. My peace was dependent on whether or not the people around me were happy.
I know it draws energy vampires like moths to a flame. I used to complain about that, until it was gently shown to me that these predators only aim at the juiciest, highest quality prey, so my complaints are easily mistaken for bragging. I don't know if I can ever change enough for it to matter. I am well liked and trusted, even by animals, but it's not true goodness, just a posture adopted to make the world make sense.

I don't have any friends because I used to act like a chameleon, is it not manipulation to act differently around everyone to trick them into thinking I'm one way then act another for someone else?