Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

My personality is more fitting to this. My father abandoned my mother and I when I was 5yo. Because my mother had to fend for herself and me, she had to also leave me to grandma to make a daily living.

I took an on line test the results say I'm a fearful avoidant. I cannot disagree from that.
I'm the 3rd among 9 siblings, so I didn't have much attention from my parents in my early years. When I was 3 y.o. I left my parents house and went to live with my grandparents for more than a year. I was never attached to my parents, specially my father, who I kinda disliked.
In adulthood, I struggle to show some emotions to partners. I seldon let them see me vunerable. I have improved a little in the recent years but I used to look like an iceberg. I'm anxious but I seem down to Earth.

Has anyone here managed to get past this?

Stay away from these people if you value your sanity

okay what about, I want friendships but at the same time I'm scared that if i get too close it will hurt me more, and that makes me confused whether if i should trust or even continue to establish relationship with them. At the same time im aware of my own emotions, and im afraid that they will leave me when they find out im actually a mess than what they know. Like they might not actually able to handle my mess if i ever got so close to them, to tell them about myself yk. Like being vulnerable to wrong ppl is just so scary. then what am i-

My FA always thinks im laying a trap or something horrible whenever I give him any compliments. I cannot tell him anything good or bad anymore or else he thinks im just manipulating him. I don't get it. I am one of the most genuine people who deeply care about him and he just thinks I have ulterior motives.

I STRONGLY disagree with his comparison to depression. He says it's a condition to him and not a part of who he is, which is the exact opposite to attachment styles.

I felt this video to a T!
If they only understood!
😊🙌🏿

Well said. And thank you!

I was her first relationship it just ended about a month ago tried to suppress the pain and weeks later got anxious and sad subconsciously and impulsively and blew up her phone cause the communication was horrible and she was emotionally immature in certain ways I’m not saying i don’t have my maturity completely down pat but because deep down I just cared so much about her well being and wanted her to be happy regardless of wanting to be with her still and now all I can do is just give the space and see if she comes around again I felt I scared her off when close to the end I was like it’s not even about love anymore it’s about commitment and working things out and that’s what I want I feel she truly cared but was so terrified during the relationship she was so unsure at times and I could tell she suggested open relationship which is unhealthy to just being up when it’s to soon in a relationship cause the bond and trust has to grow I felt so controlled but like I said it truley felt subconscious and she almost realized but didn’t realize at times how controlling she was during the relationship her dad happened to develop ALS which is so sad I can tell she truly felt alone she had one friend she was so critical of other people and me totally could tell she doesn’t understand emotions the way most people do or at least view or process she did drag performances and I’d go with her she would become this completely different person and tell other performers or friends things I made a fool out of myself on or something I said that I was insecure about and I’d be standing there and she’d use those things against me right in front of me towards other people and when she’s around other people like family or my family and friends she’s not mean but behind closed doors or as soon as we leave and we’re in the car she was horrible it was so unfair I truly care on that deep level for her and I know she’s truly traumatized by things it’s almost as if at times she recognizes her behavior and says I need help I always push people away one minute telling me she couldn’t live without me seeing that at times I genuinely care and am trying to help and she doesn’t know why she gets defensive and mean it’s a huge roller coaster but I gruel there was definitely emotional abuse all about her benefiting her I told you that if you didn’t get a job or a car this won’t work ultimatums but even at the end of the breakup I would say things just to protect myself from being hurt since she still wanted to talk in a way I would say things like if you are leading me on or unsure if you want to work things out please let me know and I even said if you don’t know you don’t know I even gave that option which I feel is fair to say and always got mad saying I’m over analyzing I was protecting myself because she had people shed talk about from her passed that are supposedly closer than friends with benefits she would say they would do mean things and I’d be like why would you want them around if they were like that it’s unhealthy but I didn’t want to be sucked into a hidden agenda when she knew what I wanted so she’s very confusing seemed she would always use people for her own benefit just curious if anyone has some input on this to give me some relief as to what may or might be going on here not on my side but on her side so I can see things clearer cause after the breakup over time I saw all the things that I didn’t see as they call it taking off the rose colored lenses 😢 if anyone knows of avoidance at this age or any insight with any of this it would truly help cause i felt my family never truely understood my point of view because they weren’t in the situations when it was just my ex and I I know she’s toxic but also troubled soul and now that she told me to move on but doesnt and me from snap if someone could please help me see the bigger picture it would give some relief as to if this is all in my head and I’m not seeing clearly or if she really just cares and needs help

This is sad I’m not sure what avoidant my ex is but it’s sad cause I still genuinely care never wanted to smother my ex just wanted to communicate properly so we are both feeling needs are met I got so much emotional abuse and I deeply feel it was all unintentional and didn’t realize she was doing that to me I know there’s more to. The story than just being avoidant never felt this crazy after dating someone and trying to give my all

It’s a never ending conflict in your head of “I want closeness and connection” then when someone wants to get close “whoa not that close” then you pull away. There is a spectrum there also depending on who you’re talking to. If the other person is more anxious then it triggers your more dismissive side. If the other person is dismissive it triggers more of your anxious side thus confusing others in relationships.

I am 15 years old rn and I'm glad I learned about my attachment style early. I always feared making connections bc I knew I would get scared of the necessities it would require and distance myself from the person dear to me. That or making myself not get so attached because I always thought like "We're going to part ways anyways, don't value too much." That would wnd up distancing myself of course. And so we would break the friendship and I would feel relieved bc both the person I had a connection with and myself got out of the overwhelming relationship we had. But I always felt bad because I didn't feel bad and let go of the relationship so easily without feeling bad at all. That hurt me more than the break of relationship. I felt like I was emotionless, not caring about it. But thankfully I had made my own principles apart from how I feel(they are still so opposites), so I tried to make myself, my actions better. And I guess it worked because I have healtier friendships now. I still feel overwhelmed by a lot of things, making plans with my friends make me feel like I'm giving my whole week away, I always want to find an excuse to exclude myself from it. Especially my best friend who has anxious attachment style. She likes spending time with me a lot and I sometimes just feel disgusted by doing anything other than my comfort thing, talking with someone, going out or anything else so I refuse to do a lot of things but if I force myself to do such things I would just blow up at her for nothing at all bc I also have anger issues. So we just end up texting each other for a few hours bc I can control my words like that and I would be spending time with her. I try not to make feel like she did something wrong. I try not to distance myself away because it only makes me fear going back to how things used to be more. I talk about my problems and my opinions on them even tho not feelings because I feel ashamed of sharing them.
Even tho I'm only 15 I always thought I was aromantic bc the imagination of having a romantic relationship and it's requirements for me(how I should behave towards that person and how that person would behave towards me if they were to love me) always scared me unlike my peers but I think it's more because of my attachment style now.

I have BPD and I do have this attachment style, intimacy can be so overwhelming and scary I rather be safe and alone but at the same time it’s just so lonely I even feel stupid about it

Attachment Styles:
1. Secure
2. Anxious Preoccupied (also just called "Anxious")
3. Dismissive Avoidant (some can say "Avoidant" as an umbrella term for both Dismissive and Fearful)
4. Fearful Avoidant (sometimes referred to as "Disorganized" by some)

I feel sorry the most for people who have the Fearful Avoidant attachment style. Not only does their style seem to be the most extreme one... they're also least likely to self-reflect, which is going to impede their progress towards growth and facing their fears. They are so afraid, and their instinct is to run away. They also don't even want to look at themselves. They have a sense that they're not good enough. Trying to put in work to fix themselves feels to them like looking into a mirror that what they're seeing is ugly. They would rather not even look at all. So when it comes to recovery, they struggle the most with getting the ship off the ground.

Someone I knew had a bad mother and lacked a father.

It is truly sad and I wish we could do something about this. Nobody cares. I hate this system and our culture. There is so much wrong with us and we just don't care. America is corrupt and I think our country is only going to get worse and worse and worse.

No, we all need to seek Jesus! We are ALL in need of a Savior!!!

Sometimes they grew up queer with a schizophrenic father...

Thanks mom and dad. Some people should just stop having kids and get their shit together instead.

I feel like this is me to a tee. I feel like my parents are this way, and I feel like I got it from them lol. I got cheated on in my first relationship, after giving in and being vulnerable enough to be with him. I am not naturally outwardly loving and affectionate, but I ended up getting extremely clingy with him because I was afraid I was losing him. After I got with him and he cheated on me, I have continued being attracted to people who are either emotionally or physically unavailable. Now i'm at a point with being longterm single and am not interested in a casual relationship, which is all that seems to be on offer now. So I have even less desire to be vulnerable and put myself out there. I'm at a point where i'm really angry with the world, because I want to trust and put myself out there, but I know for a fact I will push away as soon as things get serious. I don't know how to work on it and fix it.

Am Definately this!

I had to take deep breaths throughout this video just so I don't click away and distract myself instead of understanding myself a little better, I struggle with this more than I even knew and it has sabotaged and still now sabotages any chance I have for a healthy relationship. I am constantly analyzing, untrusting, and cutting off people convincing myself that they never really cared in the first place. I hope with this new knowledge I can go easy on myself, establish new healthy boundaries, and learn how to manifest that in my life and with my partner

Is there any way I can reach out to Dr. Judy Ho and see if what I experience with relationships is a fearful avoidant tendency? It's incredibly disstressing and no one seems to really understand it.

There is more marketing for your memberships than content in these videos, going somewhere else, just a hint

She just called us sluts

sadly, I got to see this with a fearful avoidant I got involved with. broke my heart. The other person isn't even aware of this issue:(

Please try somatic therapy! I did talk therapy for so many years and talk therapy never changes anything but somatic helped me get free!!! This is good to hear but, don’t let it seem like you can’t get out of it.

Something I've been wondering since learning about attachment styles is if there is a possibility they could be caused by childhood experiences that are not related to one's parents.
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I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for several years now (not quite at a disorder level, but more in the form of a reactive syndrome) and I see in myself many, if not all of the traits that are related to the fearful avoidant attachment style.
Because of that, I decided to ask my therapist about it, but they responded that it was very unlikely for me to fall into the category, because, as dr. Ho mentioned herself, attachment styles are connected to the parenting one received as an infant.
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Now, as a young adult, I'd say my relationship with my parents (especially my mother) is a bit complicated and often filled with tension due to several incompatibilities, but I'm not confident about the idea of my parents being the root cause of the way I interact with people and view relationships (my mom used to be a kindergarten teacher, and both of my parents, from what I was told, used to be very attentive and affectionate with me and my sister).
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On the other hand, I've always struggled to go along with other kids as a child and I remember displaying fearful avoidant traits while interacting with family members and friends even as a 4/5 year old.
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Later in life I got lucky and met a few very close friends that helped me heal a bit from my previous bad experiences and I think I was able to develop some healthier habits thanks to them, but I still very much relate to the disorganized attachment style.
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Any ideas?
(sorry for eventual typos/mistakes. English is not my first language)

This is me to the T. Can I change this style.

Can this style develop in adulthood after trauma with failed romantic relationships? My style was secure while younger, but now I feel jaded / avoidant

I feel like i'm flipping a lot. With most people, I don't desire to form a closer bond, unless they show interest and I agree. Then there is two routes; either, I am myself and do feel comfy with them, then I do get attached and often frustrated for not having my needs met and blame myself for not meeting theirs and I chase, or I don't feel comfortable and am like: yeah, that was shit, no thank you. Still feel bad. Still linger on them, but cut them off and act cold. First one is always years worth of rumination and wanting the connection back even though it was so irregular, second one bothers me so much that I tend to isolate to avoid people altogether.

That's me 100% to a fault.

I have this attachment style and I feel so bad for it. I have a great boyfriend that even mentions marriage but I can't commit withou the fear 😢

I am l arming so much
Thank you

I like the way that the host, Kyle, found a way to relate to much of this series, and in most discussions on this channel in general. They're in large the same realizations I would have to the discussion topics and I appreciated that, kind of like a form of validation for me. I always wondered a bit where I fell, I learned about anxious avoidant style through this series and I've got something to work with now. Thanks for a great series on attachment styles!

This is enlightening. I believe this is the pattern of my attachment with others.
I want to mention that causal relationships and that includes most connections are not as anxiety triggering. I often maintain superficial relationships for years and have a normal appearing social and family life . The issue is that the moment intimacy starts to develop, I start to become incredibly irrational and erratic which is so different from my usual personality. Especially in the beginning of specifically romantic and sexual relationships.
As long as the person is not threatening my sense of self or pushing that fear of abandonment, I’m fairly confident. I do keep others at a distance because of this. The illusion of my self sufficiency is kept intact and therefore safe.
I don’t really have issues with drugs or alcohol, I would say my upbringing was normal insofar as it was not abusive, just inconsistent. I’m not promiscuous. I have hypersensitivity issues which I believe is highly correlated with this disorganized attachment style; otherwise I don’t know how many people could tell how much relationships scare me and how terrified I am of loving someone and consequently, being left. I’ve often left relationships earlier and quickly, and one marriage I had was emotionally cold. I accepted much less than I wanted because at least I wasn’t afraid of being hurt.

Oh sh*t, I have this.

A combination of anxious and avoidant attachment. Because their needs were not met as a child. They realize their needs might not be met. Can work on your triggers and reduce your triggers of abandonment and become more secure.

I don't like the term "Disorganized Attachment."

It's more like "Adaptive Attachment" because the child has to adaptively change the way they try to interact with the parent based on what works that day at that time.

Because sometimes the parents will react positively to "Anxious" displays of attachment.

But when the parents don't react to Anxious Attachment displays, the child tries to take care of themselves on their own -- more Avoidant Attachment.

The child tries to choose the best strategy that will work at the moment.
Because the parents are so disorganized.
They react to the same input differently on different days, depending on what mood they're in.
Bad parenting!

Sounds like a Capricorn

I'm really trying to figure out my attachment style. I am definitely more on the anxious side than avoidant. I much prefer being alone, but I do have a strong desire for a close partnership. I've always been very empathic. I can quickly identify traits in people, and that collection of traits will build a very accurate picture of who that person is in my head. I fall in love with that imaginary person. I get attached, then I get disappointed when despite my willingness to love the actual person like I like the imaginary version of them. They end up not being who I made them out to be, or in my last case, they end up being better. Nobody has ever endured my anxious side. (I'm just now learning about these attachment styles, because I don't want to be like this anymore.) This one lady did. Then I was on the other end of panic. It's never gone right. How will I include this person in my life? I've done damage with my anxious side, I feel shame from it, I feel like I'm less for it, when will they decide I'm no longer worth it. What if I can't satisfy them in all aspects of life. How do I keep interacting with this person once I know them. How will we actually enjoy eachother. All of these thoughts flooding into my brain, the imagination and journaling couldn't keep up. I felt like running, even though I was on the horizon of everything I thought I wanted with the most ideal person imaginable for me. I ended up doing the push pull and they smartly eventually gave up on me. I don't blame them. I hate myself for being like this, but the way out of this is self love, so I'm at an impasse. I at the least have to learn what makes an attachment style stable, and fight my anxieties with mimicking a stable attachment style. This is all so hard. I don't want to die alone, but once that imaginary person started to become a real possibility I realized maybe I rather not face all of those real things that might make a person lose interest and leave me.

😂. Let me just say, that in a typical American family you have both parents working 10/ 12 hour days. Not to mention the extra curriculum activities. There is a time issue , not enough time , by the time you get home you have 2 burnt out parents from there long stressful work days, not to mention Diet, and the way people eat is disgusting double meat burgers , sodas, or processed food. The kid isnt geeting adequate minerals in there body. Not to mention sleep hygiene how many adults get enough deep sleep? And how many people take big pharma drugs, with dangerous side effects, dizzy, confused, stripped intestines, ect..there are a tons of factors it takes understanding the human habits and personalities. Im tired of all these " labels". Folks quit depending on your spouses and the outside world to make you happy. Learn how to grow some food, take a dance or cooking class, learn to wriye poetry. Quit blaming and using these labels.

having this attachment style is just really rough on the psyche. sometimes after reacting in ways/doing things that push them away you regret it too, you like snap and realize how irrational u were after being triggered. it makes you feel like you can’t do anything right/hard to love. constantly back in forth in your own mind. what i probably hate most about it how judgmental i feel of my partners, (sad to admit) but you’re on high alert for any changes, when they act in a way you don’t deem them to you start listing more reasons why you don’t need or want them anyway for your own protection. then later thinking they are everything and more. when they finally leave it like messes with the ego (knew you were hard to love, hoped they would stay anyways) i just want peace. took two hard breakups to realize just how erratic i was. stayed single for 3 years. now i’m dating someone with a secure attachment and i learn something everyday how i should be processing our relationship (thankful for him) but it’s still hard knowing you’re the toxic one

is this why they would leave you for someone else they just started to get to know?? and repeat this pattern of going all in with someone only to leave for someone new once it gets too real?

Omg! I'm so excited to finally understand why I have been running away from everything my whole life! My therapist suggested Co-DA 12 step free support group I'm running to one right now!

The black and white thinking was so good ! Such a helpful tip for FAs

Thank you really much, I am literally struggling with my very first date in my life due to this attachment style 😢. This video is very helpfulll, thank you very muchhhhhh

People need to stop having children if they dont have their mental & emotional issues sorted out. Unconscious parenting has real life consequences.

.....well that explains it.