Accepting Crumbs in Relationships is a Survival Strategy from Childhood

I really have to give all my love to this channel and to Anna for uploading these stories. The perspective of crapfitting has really changed my life and helped me see the patterns I’ve been taking part in. It has always felt easier to give rather than take for me bc my self worth has been very low and made me literally afraid to ask for support.

But Jesus, this story was like a lollapalooza of red flags. And the sad thing is how much I can relate to all of it. There’s just something about Anna calling them out that feels fortifying.

What’s shocking is that this person SEES and can list all the red flags one by one very clearly, but she does not trust herself or her perception!!! This is the issue. Not being able to trust your own self when things feel wrong or not believing better is possible for you. She can SEE all these red flags and FEEL that they’re wrong, but she doesn’t TRUST her feelings bc wrong has been called normal for her.
She can’t even trust that what her parents put her through was totally wrong. My heart goes out to her. I think the fact that she can SEE, means there’s a lot of hope, if she just learns to trust herself and denormalize being treated badly.

That’s the hard, scary thing that I’m struggling with, being able to validate and denormalize wrong behavior bc it has been so normalized! So it’s like you need really strong resources to hammer you on the head and be like not normal, not normal, not normal. And Anna helps with this.

The story here had so many red flags of neglect that I made a list:
-Not being helped by this person when you needed it even ONCE (and it would’ve been easy/ appropriate for them to offer).
-Being told they’re uninterested in dating (=they are not pursuing you, they aren’t really interested, they have something going on).
-Generally feeling/ seeing that they do not consistently pursue you or show real interest in you.
-Feeling ignored.
-Being left to pay for things or take care of things that should’ve been a shared responsibility or that you should have felt some care taking in.
-Just feeling something isn’t right! That you would act differently.
You're trying to invalidate your feelings, talk yourself out of the discomfort you feel. Your not practicing self validation and affirmation.
-Trying to minimize and invalidate your discomfort by telling yourself that they will act in a way that you do (but they are a DIFFERENT person and do you have consistent evidence they will act similarly?). Just bc you can be appropriate, doesn’t mean they can.
-Their being inconsistent, saying things that are inconsistent with what was previously said or which feels off.
-Feeling that they are cold towards you, or hot and cold.
-Your taking pride in keeping things happy and peaceful even when you’re hurting! As if your self worth is defined by keeping the peace. (Again self-invalidation, manipulative toxic positivity. You should be able to name hurts without feeling like naming them is your fault!)
-Their not being accountable and avoiding subjects that you need addressed for your emotional health.
-You feel you aren’t as worthy as others and so you feel you cannot ask for what you really want.
-Your having to often initiate and be the pursuer. You feel pressured into role of facilitator bc of th other person’s lack of responsibility or interest.
-Their exes or friends treat you disrespectfully or inappropriately and they don’t stand up for you.
-You don’t feel really prioritized or valued consistently.
-Their effort into your relationship doesn’t seem enough or equal.

We all want love but you dont always get it. Love turns to hate when it’s not genuine.

I’m almost 30, got dumped in June (it’s currently almost October) by the first man I’d ever truly entertained the thought of marrying, our love was vast and beautiful and gentle and kind, but he and I both had a lot of trauma we hadn’t properly dealt with which manifested as uncomfortable conflict and he ended things impulsively. We’ve talked multiple times a week, he said he wanted to “continue having vulnerable conversations,” and I’m not sure why. When he said he “couldn’t do this anymore,” he said “I want to ask you to wait for me,” and I— in my desperate state said that I’d wait as long as he needed to (I’ve since reneged on this multiple times— sometimes from a manipulative standpoint that I’m not proud of whatsoever, but when we’re in pain, we do things we’re not proud of). In the last three months, I’ve lost my relationship and my job, and have had to figure things out all alone in a new city, and I unfortunately fear that I may never find love again. I hope that whoever is reading this can have compassion— for both me and for him. Things are not always black and white. It isn’t always what it seems. People break promises they made when they felt like they meant it. It’s okay to do that, broken people do it all the time. I don’t know where we stand, I’m still in love with him and he says he feels the same, but yet we are still in separation and the distance grows each day. I miss him terribly, but I’m angry and hurt, and haven’t done well with everything that has happened in a very short amount of time. I took three weeks off from working (both voluntarily and involuntarily), and walked. I walked 50 miles in a week. I’ve spent time with friends and my only viable support system, and yet I wish for his support. He was so kind and nurturing to me throughout our entire relationship, and I miss experiencing that every day. He used to tell me I meant the world to him, that I was the love of his life, that I was like a goddess to him. And now, he doesn’t reach out. It’s awful. I couldn’t ever have imagined this happening between us. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and simultaneously the worst.

“You were made to be loved.” Is nearly impossible for me to believe.

It's just easier to be alone, honestly.

That woman chased a man who didn’t want her. Sad. Happens to the best of us

I accept the crumbs, but every once in a while love shines through. Relationships are often disappointing.

I am beyond thankful for coming across your channel. I feel SO VALIDATED and safe and here 🫶

Thank you. ❤

What if you are a women no one ever asks out?

Simply done with confidence about how to be treated despite the malaise today in relationships, your worth a dinner… or forget him!

Some people are evil. Evil exists, either you know it, or you're wide open to it.

lol i was born with cleft lip and palate, i was made to be ridiculed, not loved.

I love you so much thank you for all you do! You have helped me heal and understand myself. I feel super blessed to have been directed to tour videos! You’re a rare gem and so amazingly bright and thorough in capturing situations and compassionately guiding us… being that voice of reason. I adore you❤

I said years ago that I am the person that a guy dates right before he meets the one he marries. I have never been married and don't know that I ever will be. Anymore, I don't know if I could handle being with someone everyday, anyway. I'm 52.

Thank you for presenting this professionally and not turning the topic into a show. Glad your channel popped in my view list 😊🌷

I really appreciate Celine for being open about her life and I appreciate you for being so clear, honest, and gentle in response. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone, and that there are obtainable solutions.

Okay, enough is enough, plenty actually, a lot. I’m a therapist, spirituality, art, archetypes, alternative healing, and research. I research dream images and languages of enlightenment, working with art and artifacts only, hemmed in and working in my areas of expertise (not good, nor bad). I’m so diagnosed! But not self-diagnosed. My psychotherapist made the CPTSD diagnosis. How good that we can make conversation about our maladaptive, and self-sabotaging behaviors. How good that we can come to (see) ourselves as the deserving heroines of our stories! After all, Cinderella was one of these girls, and Snow White is another such archetype (like us}. Our strange, survive in Wonderland and Oz behaviors are useful, if not encouraging. even as they are dualistic, or polar by nature. Some behaviors work better for us than others. After all, that is my focus doing this work, intermittently, taking in sound bites of information about myself and my needs, and looking for best practices going forward
When we go off task too

In the naming and absorbing of our traumas through repeated talk and share exposure, we can wallow in a kind of a self-incrimination, triggered, but remaining unconscious. Anyway, too much focus on problems is problematic in the scheme of healing and life solutions. In one of the comments you shared, one person asked you to “divert your tough love approach” to be more accepting of the wellness that is inherent in the person. So…

Thank you! The title alone was enough to shock me off the fence to finally divorce my stingy crumb-dispensing estranged husband. What was I hoping for? More crumbs? My parents taught me I was worthless, unlovable, unwanted, etc. I'm done cleaning up the errant crumbs. Time to move on. Facing 70 and perfectly content with my own company

You’re GOOD!

This really helped me. Thank you so much.

I 100% agree about drinking with C-PTSD being unsafe. I don’t drink really. I only have one glass of wine, especially when I am with someone I am attracted to someone.

So what do I do, I look in the mirror and see a haggard, 40ish mess who doesn’t know who they are anymore and they never did. This is all I get? Nothing is ever enough and nothing ever wants to be? Throw drug addict alcoholic into that and I live my days wondering if the only rest I’ll ever get from myself is death. Most deaths for abused screwed up people happen in the 40’s. It’s time now? Or what. Wtf!?!?!?!! It’s not fair. I guess all there is is Paxil...and my kitties.

So what do I do, I look in the mirror and see a haggard, 40ish mess who doesn’t know who they are anymore and they never did. Most deaths for abused screwed up people happen in the 40’s. It’s time now? Or what. Wtf!?!?!?!! It’s not fair.

This was an informative video for me, and I appreciate. I do have a different take on the Boyfriend though. I don't think that the Ex is responsible for his relationship, or infidelity if it came to that. He’s a MAN. A grown up. If he wasn’t interested, no pathetic excuse to get him to her place would have worked. You didn’t let him off the hook entirely, but this is something that I’ve been noticing at large (not with you), and it bugs me.

The Ex does not have a responsibility to the writer of the letter. I’m tired of women being expected to take care of everyone else; no matter how distant the connection. The guy here is the one with the commitment. It’s his relationship. They are not in a three way relationship. Yes, being a thoughtful woman who doesn’t intrude on others’ relationship is nice, and admirable; and something to strive for to be a better human being. But how does that change into Loser Boy getting less of the ire about his mixed messages and barely-there presence in the relationship? If there had been a hot dog stand outside he front door, that would have been her date. And he would have still looked at her to pick up the tab. Was she really mentally ill? Thats how he characterized her...The Ex was the life of the party because he had already signaled to her that he was open to being with her. Why is the emotional weight, the degree of anger leveled against women for sexual transgressions always so much heavier than whatever bonehead thing the guy does?

“Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life
and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life
not half a life.”~

~Gibran Khalil Gibran

Friends with exes wtf is wrong with yall?

The greatest plot twist is that I didn't know all of this years ago And now i'm trying to find out more about myself and others. I know i'm not a psychopath because psychopaths don't ask themselves What's wrong with them, With that being said, I'm trying to find out now, and check myself, And THEM The psychopaths won't ask themselves now,
and the s*** is gonna hit the fan for them later on in life. 😁 checkmate ! hello yall 👋

My childhood did such a number on me. I’ve been trying to get well for 4 decades. I’ve tried and tried and tried. I did the homework, the habit reworking, the schema therapy, the mindfulness, 40 different meds, the experimental treatments insurance wouldn’t cover.

And I still feel as sick today as I did at 11.

I am so tired of fighting. Four lonely decades of this.

I am so devastated that this is my life. There is no joy to be found. Just endless nebulous dread.

All of this is so so so relatable 😮😢

I would go so far as to say that you shouldn't involve yourself in serious intimate relationships where the other person is entangled with an ex for whatever reason, be it children, work, inlaws, whatever the excuse. It usually complicates matters and just isn't worth all the emotional baggage that come along with such a person. The only exception I might make with regards to this is if you're interested in someone that is widowed but even then it is a selfish thing to do to the children who may not be prepared for such an intrusion into their impressionable lives. It's the parent's that should be putting their children first, and not you though, as many won't even tell you about their personal situation until it's to late and you are intimately involved. This is why going through a longer term courtship is usually a good idea. One of the many hazards of drinking as well. Cheers

Wow for someone whose been through so much she's really picked up on all the the issues and problems really well, recognizing it is half the battle

hold one, did you say that her childhood was too upsetting to talk about? doesn't that defeat the purpose of awareness for cptsd? her telling that story is giving background and it's also a cry for help. it's about being trauma-informed.

Man, you hit the nail on the head time after time after time....again, thank you.

SO TRUE! Thank you for the healing. STRONG ENERGY HERE!

Thank you for you Channel ❤️

I'm beginning to question my own stubborn tendency to value what I learned to survive my traumatic childhood, as being useful in my adult life, now.
I am so (too) patient... self-sacrificing... self-effacing... long-suffering... and giving...
I can't resist rescuing the lost, whether it is a child or a yellow jacket. 🙄
I LIKE myself! But I'm not sure that is a good reason not to change.

I agree, dating is so much harder without alcohol but I realize I don't like physical intimacy without emotional safety at minimum or an emotional connection

Your wrong as a guy I'm tired of being taken advantage of Dutch! On first date is my moto

He's obviously cute or attractive to be chased by two women..he's never had to work for a woman so they dump him to see if he will return and fight for them when they're trying to teach him a lesson, but they turn around and chase again when it looks like he's moving on..a failed relationship from the beginning by the chaser.

magnificent commentary from the speaker

Well, I guess I need to face it. I have CPTSD. This sounds so much like how I have always been in both my relationships and my marriages. Accepting too little as just fine. After many years of this, I finally understood what I was doing. Now, I am alone and have been for several years now. But- I refuse to resort to my old ways and, from here on out, will only respond to a potential future relationship if the man makes the big effort. Unfortunately, nobody has taken notice of me yet, but I hold strong in upholding my new self values. I have tried to teach my children this and I hope that my daughter understands and upholds that. I don't know. I hope that she understands all of this and won't have to go through the same yucky things that I have had to go through. Thank you for helping all of us.

I think you're being a bit charitable with the boyfriend. It sounds like he was hooking up with his ex girlfriend the entire time. All his weird statements were just bad lies to cover it up. ITA with everything else you said, tho. Very good advice, i appreciate it, v helpful to me.

Some doctor (don't remember which one) whos videos I watch said that Disorganised folks view everyone as dangerous so the only people who can get through that wall and get close are people who are extremely good manipulators, which answers my life long question: 'I am the common thread, I am very careful and vet thoroughly now, so how, after a lengthy time in each of my relationships, does the person always end up either abusive, toxic, or just terrible in ways I never see from others?" The trauma cycle

I love your videos, thank you so much for what you do. You’ve helped me learn so much about myself and my trauma. The way you speak and hold space for this kind of work is incredibly comforting. I have trauma with older women, relating to my mother of course, and you make me feel safe when I listen to you. Thank you.

Wow ! I see how I’ve survived and it’s sad dam it ! well I see why I have boundary’s. Braking them ,Im out !

If you are the ex, coming to the table; your job is to acknowledge and reassure your ex's new partner. Show respect to them being together, and be ready to back away if they feel insecure.

❤

I’ve been with someone for about 3 years. We don’t really have much intimacy, he’s not loving, caring or expressive, I have never met his parents or friends, I’m not sure anyone actually knows he’s in a “relationship”. He pays for my school, spends his weekends with me, helps me a lot with school stuff but that’s about it. He’s not romantic, he doesn’t like to celebrate things like Valentine’s Day, our anniversary etc. He just recently sent me home (we’re from different countries) and the ticket was quite expensive, we’ve traveled abroad together, he didn’t come home with me tho. I’m not sure what we are supposed to be, he doesn’t really call me or video call now that I’m here, when we text he just goes like wow, cool… I am very confused. I have asked him quite a few times to be a bit more romantic, to celebrate our special dates, I kinda have to beg for intimacy. He never really says he loves me, people say he’s wonderful because of all the “things and help” he’s given me, but I feel very neglected, I have never really felt like I have a place in his life. I’d really appreciate any help or advice, I feel very sad, and lonely recently.