How to express FEELINGS without THEM getting DEFENSIVE!

who r u looking at...or are u reading actipt eyes off to the right?

Does this apply to friendships too?

Important subject thanks for addressing it. But you didn’t follow up on the title - the “how”. I’m left hanging! Thanks for an otherwise fabulous channel.

👏👏👏👍

AWE MAN! You got me Jimmy. Totally thought I was responsible for how someone reacts to me 😂

I assumed because I’m autistic that I was approaching conflict incorrectly. It was my fault when my ex got defensive. I thought I just needed to find the perfect way to say something and he would listen and understand. Now I realize he has low self esteem and refuses to look inward at himself. I already possessed amazing interpersonal skills. It wasn’t how I was saying it. It was the fact that I said anything.

Relationships with narcissists are like going to work at a construction site with an empty toolbox. First, the other person has to care about the relationship, whether it's a marriage, a business, a friendship or a neighbor. Narcissists care nothing about anyone but themselves, and if anything bad happened to you, they would only get upset because their supply, their chef, their enabler was not there to feed them whatever they were using you for. Having a sane discussion with a narcissist to appeal to their sense of fairness or boundaries will be less successful than having it with your cat. I am a graduate of Narcissist Boot Camp (master's degree).

What I have found in my relationship and yes they were a hot mess. It is important for me to take responsibility and for them to take responsibility and be accountable. Along with learning how to be receiving and to give in a way that is open and respectful to each other. What I found in myself is that I returned the energy that was and is coming at me from them and myself. Instead what I had to do was slow down breathe and not allow that energy that emotionally to consume me. If it is too much then walking away is what has to happen. Yes I feel it show emotional maturity how we deal with these situations. I have found it to be very challenging yet rewarding when we are able to work together

My 5 year relationship ended as a result of me finally drawing the line at the chronic emotional unresponsiveness 😭

Does everyone that lacks empathy are psychopaths?

It’s it’s not up to you to keep others from getting defensive. If you speak honestly and from the heart, you’ve done your best. If the person on the receiving end gets defensive it’s not about what was said; it’s more about them and the experiences they’ve brought to the relationship.

There isn't any way to address a situation with a narcissist.

For me, it easiest to be straight forward. "I don't want it this way please, I want to go to this restaurant please, I need 30 minutes unbothered to get ready please.." With men just say how you want it, then they do it, then be happy 😊

No time was a good time for the covert narcissist. He always said, "It's not the right time, when he couldn't deal with discussing adult topics and again and again and again"

What if my partner did things that he knew would hurt me and lied to hide it and lied more to keep lying to hide those things? Then blamed the reason for the lies on me completely? I told him a person who hides things from his partner who he is trying to work out things with him and he continues to lie it does make him a liar but he doesn't like that word.

I wish I could put this into practice

Not sure I agree with the "you shouldn't threaten to leave" part. It's one thing I suppose if someone really is holding it over their partner's head with no intent to end things, and to only get their way all the time, but a lot of times (most of the time), it really is one final chance before we walk away for good. Because it's not worth staying in a relationship where under no circumstance, even under duress of losing the relationship entirely, the other person isn't willing to address the bare minimum levels of responsibility or respect.

Gave my last partner the ultimatum of if he wanted me in his life in ANY way following his discovered affair, including platonic, he needed to apologize for the infidelity. Literally that's it. Just a verbal admittance that he cheated and that he was willing to show remorse for it. I had solid evidence that point. Had caught them both, and his (married to another man) affair partner even bragged to my face about it. His response was to choose her, and tell me "I'm sorry I gave you the misconception that I was leading you on when you and I weren't even in a relationship together". We'd been in a monogamous long-term relationship for 13 YEARS at this point! We discussed living together and marriage! Yet his go-to was to frame me as the misguided paramour?? For a woman he'd been cheating with for a few months?? Talk about giving the worst possible response imaginable!

Point being, some people are literally incapable of admitting fault, and sometimes it takes an ultimatum of ending the relationship to prove it. Likewise, any relationship where a partner isn't willing to keep you isn't a relationship worth keeping.

I just want him to leave, thats all. That person is worthless n disgusting in my eyes. I already told him everytihmg that was wrong, he was never able to comprehend it because hes stupid.

Sooooo goood!!

You are so brilliant, thank you. Keep these coming.

What if it's never a good time? I have the world's greatest husband (21yrs) but the last few years he's defaulted to absolute laziness. No chores, no effort, I'm 'sensitive', his frustrated sighs if I ask for help. Then all of a sudden he started to 'not feel well'. Dozens of doctors & hundreds of tests & they can find nothing. When I ask him to see a movie, help with a chore or even just drive around to look at Christmas lights he doesn't feel well. So it backed me into a corner of feeling guilty to ask him for anything so I started doing *everything*. In October he had family visit from Europe. He met them out of state for 2weeks. He was up everyday by 10am, he was busy all day, he helped them w/chores. When he returned he was back to feeling bad within a week. This let me know it's not physical. I jumped at the chance to buy him a ticket to Florida to hang out w/his old NASA work buddies at the end of this month.(Dec) It terrifies me that I look forward to him leaving.

JIMMY, thank you so much for using your gifts and talents to make these videos. Not only are they incredibly entertaining but they are so full of truth and have been so beneficial and helping my 30 year marriage. I also noticed that most of your videos tend to blame the man, but in my relationship I was most of the problem, but I didn’t know it. Being an only child I learned late in life that the world didn’t revolve around me that has been a big problem, but I am open and willing to learning. I love how in this video you spoke to both partners, not just the husband.🤣 Thank you so much for the videos you make, what a beautiful service and gift to those who are willing to learn❤

You are crazy a little bit

But i'm so going to stick with you

I am telling you I'll really love your videos bro

My hubby and I call it "the cookie", start with an acknowledgment or compliment of something they do or have done, then respectfully and lovingly share your concern or issue and end it with another appreciative comment ❤
The cookie, it works!

Welp, as long as the other person is striving for healthy relationships and growth!

Looking at the headline I think of my boyfriend. He has me walking on eggshells usually. Every comment is seen as an offense through his lens.

Love all the plants 🪴 And informative videos 😊

So what do you recommend for growth for people who both want to do better and improve their relationship?

I wonder if we have ever shared feelings of appreciation. Or is it always an attack

I had an extremely abusive childhood and one of my big triggers is that my feelings make everyone sad. So when my partner opened a Christmas present accidentally and then used it without ever telling me, I was hurt, because it was something special I wanted us to do together.

The talk happened at the same time as the realisation of the accident and the hurt, and he apologised, and I said that I know and that it was okay and that I knew he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. But I still felt so disappointed, and then the trigger kicked in. So I explained that trigger as it was happening to me, because he knows my history, and that I'm trying to get better. I said I only wanted to do something nice, and I didn't know how to not feel sad, because it would make him sad too, and even that in itself isn't the right way to go because I should be able to have feelings. He said I needed to stop taking the blame for things that aren't my fault, and I said I didn't know how to unlearn it.

His response? "You need to find a way. You taking the blame for my mistakes makes me feel worse."

I haven't brought it up since. To me, it's like he's doubling down on the very thing I'm trying to heal from. Like, me having feelings about being forbidden to have feelings because they make people sad, is making him feel sad. 😢

I completely relate to all that you are saying. I’m sure my partner does as well. Thank you for putting words to what we both are feeling. Lots of conversations are happening between us today because of better understanding of what’s truly going on with us. Also love all the beautiful plants in the background ❤

It seems hopeless because every little, including so carefully worded, expression is viewed as an attack.

I was dumb as a box of rocks when l was in an unbalanced relationship working on trying to have more of a healthy boundaries and balance ⚖️ relationships

But I am not thinking that my partner is a lazy peice of garbage, and I don't say that.

I don't ever attack his character. And I truly believe he's not trying to be hurtful. , and I say as much.

I do this "soft start" every time, but it's still taken as an attack. But if I raise my voice ever, I'm yelling at him . If I get any "tone" at all, even when its not to do with him, but the conversation. "Why are you being so defensive?"

I'm feeling so lost and like I just can't do it right.
But I don't want it to not work 😕

So what would a good response be in a situation where a partner's response is, " you don't have to feel angry when I do or say that. You can choose to feel happy. It's your choice on how your respond that is making you feel unhappy. Not what I do or say."

This is always the problem in my marriage. Then it’s my fault we are arguing. He really believes this. His tone is what starts with me getting upset after I express something. Then I’m the bad guy. I grew up with this in my life also. It’s really upsetting to keep experiencing this and told you are crazy because you have feelings. I don’t feel safe with my feelings. Also ruins sexual feelings.

So we are not to blame if they are wrong? Ok 👌

Yes we are not responsible how someone interprets, react however the way we express ourselves can lead towards an argument by pointing fingers at the other. The way we express ourself will either get the other person defensive or not. By not blaming and not criticizing, using "I" statements and not adding "you did /didn't do this or that", you might have someone that might actually listen rather than having to defend themselves from being attacked.
Eg: " I am scared of not being important in this relationship when I am being ignored or my feelings are being dismissed" " I feel so disconnected at the moment however I want to reconnect with you. " No blame or criticism. The other doesn't feel he or she needs to defend themselves.

It's so much easier to be critical and judgemental, it's harder to be vulnerable hence conflicts happen and can easy escalate to serious screaming matches.

How do not take it as an attack or an accusation of being a failure?

Thank you so much for this video. I needed it. 🩷

Who was your councilor? I doubt it works with any counselor or at least we ours it didn’t work…

Sounds like my ex wife

I think one confusion people have is the phrase “they’re not responsible for your feelings”.

So many take this as “It’s not my fault if you feel hurt by my unkind words or actions! You’re responsible for your own emotions! Not me!”

It’s SO important to go to your partner (without attacking them) and tell them when their actions or words are hurtful to you.

Because of this common misunderstanding, I personally know people who, even if they are approached kindly about it, when they are told that their actions or words were hurtful, they see it as a personal attack and 100% feel that the other person is being manipulate and trying to get them to feel bad and guilty in order to control them and to get what they want or make them feel bad for not giving them what they want.

So much so that they become completely unfeeling, and hold in contempt the “supposed” hurt, because they only see the hurt only as a manipulative tool.

There’s got to be a better way of explaining that when we are unkind, hurtful, or unfeeling towards another, then yes, we do hold responsibility in regards to their feelings.

To deny this is to say that it’s emotional and verbal abuse victims’ own fault for having trauma from how people treated them.

We do need to take responsibility for the hurt and pain that we cause another through toxic or unkind behaviors.

Jimmy, another video was titled "why I cheated"... But I have another question:
Does he miss his mistress?

When husbands get caught cheating or hurt their wives with inappropriate relationships, and they chose their wives once caught (b/c they like daily access to their children and the house wifey might have helped them buy or don't want to put lawyers' kids through college instead of their own), do they regret choosing the wife? Do they resent her for the choices they've made? Do they punish her for wanting to keep the family together?

Does she check out, now clear on the level of disregard and willing to return the lack of favor?

I’m wondering if an undercurrent of superiority and pride are at the root of hostile responses to stirring the pot. I think it’s a tactic to shut down the uncomfortable conversation. Absolutely, you are correct, emotional immaturity. Do you recommend any books on this topic?

Im to the pointof telling him to do what ever it is he is wanting because Im tired, I dont wantto argue. I don't want to be asked my opinion just to be told Im wrong. Dont ask! Just do it your way.

We have a saying in my family:

I control myself
Not anyone else

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I kinda handled a situation wrong this morning. I used shame to get my point across. Old habits and ingrained patterns combined with fear caused me to "go into the ditch" instead of staying on the road to the future I want.