The Question that Comes Up in All New Adult Friendships - Letters From Esther Live

I am always making assessments of people.

Ah Esther, you do so much with this lecture for so many people....I love listening to you!

Thank you esther.. i have been going through up and down in friendships ever since i was in 2nd grade. But this brought me so much peace after struggling 22 years....and a sense o self worth. Much love to you.

Friends are hard to make because I find due to past experiences people are very hurt, guarded, and even have an attack first mentality that erodes our newly budding friendship before it can even bloom

I loved this session ❤❤

Because I am an authentic and open person and in a world full of a large proportion of people who are fixated on superficial and meaningless stuff, oftentimes I find my mere presence antagonises people to an extreme degree...💜

i was recommend to watch your videos/insights but in a way i wanted to know what u think of Jorden peterson because since iv listed to his advice it has helped me with mental health and make friends, plus get out of my confit zone n make me braver like i use to be as a kid because when i was 17 i turned to heavy drugs befor i found jorden and thats what made me scared of the world seeing the evil side of life and the things that happen too n around me. like everyone i still hav bad days and i just want to be more wiser

People are paying too much attention to their gadgets for example phones

I'm in my sixties and have a hard time making friends at this stage of my life. I'm trying to do the things I love and hopefully that will allow me to meet new people and maybe make a new friend.

Wow I do need this!! I really want to be a friend and have friends!! Thank you so much for laying out the gold first briks

Thank you Esther...great insights and perspective. I always feel like you've opened my mind in some new way each time I listen to you.

This is a great and much needed podcast subject! I make friends easily, but can't seem to make them last,

Thank you! <3

Really love this. It rings up a whole lot of issues I’ve run into over the years but I’ll keep following and maybe I’ll share in a bit. Thank you Estel!

Ester, you make me smile. You give me something to look for to - when I meet my Ester. Thank you.

Esther saying she’s been on the receiving end of friendship breakups makes me feel seen right now.

I think the depth of adult friendships is hard to gauge when your history has so many instances of boundary violations and gaslighting

I have a hard time knowing if someone is trying to have sex with me until it's "obvious" by traditional standards.
I've had so many friendships turn sexual or sexually hostile that I've given up. I have no problems hitting it off with people standing in line at a grocery store or anywhere tbh. Things don't progress beyond a certain point because I think I'm rather weird. Then if I disclose my past they're appalled unless they've also been through similar experiences and the people willing to put in the work to not perpetuate predatory behaviors mostly congregate at places of worship. I hope I'm not predatory, I don't touch people unless they touch me first and I feel weird touching friends.
I have a couple of friends but they're busy so it's not a full buffet. I'm ok with that. Quality over quantity. I used to go for quantity but I was younger then.
Not owning a car also really puts a damper on things. When I had a car I was going on hiking trips with groups that organized online. I met great people that way. Working and going to school eat up a lot of time. I'm also a Starbucks employee with diverse interests. Most of the people interested in the same things meet online or in professional settings and the choices that I've made have made me look a certain way that I feel very self conscious about. I guess I assume that people are more superficial than they probably are...?

I am happy you applaud friendships between men and women!!

Because I've got so many commitments, i feel i can't be there when really needed.

Good friends are hard to make. Casual friends are a dime a dozen. Fake friends love-bomb, then use me, then gaslight over some disappointed expectations I never agreed to.

Regarding ghosting- I know people who do that because of their own anxiety or depression- it has nothing to do with the other person.

Listening to this, I realize just how independent I’ve made myself. The idea of a friend scooping me up when I’m down and checking in on me is so foreign. And makes me feel anxious to be so vulnerable.

Esther. I hope you see me someday. See that I’m here. I find you saying exactly the things that apply to a part of myself. What if I told you I’d like to have an affair? Something very exciting, yet all in our minds. You might find I’m worth paying attention to, even if I can’t make it interesting. I saw you with Bill Maher, I thought you were very erotic. I’d like to satisfy and ravish you, even if it means only brushing your hair. I hope I’m able to stand out for you somehow. I sent support an email. I really would like to see if I can be somebody to you. See if, after all these years, a life-giving woman like yourself? Do I still not understand?

This was absolutely beautiful. Thank you.

I find it hard to make new friends because I don’t know where to meet them, and how to take it to the next level (beyond initial conversations). My community is rather small as well.
I worry about new friendships being too emotional laborious (that they trauma dump), or too many expectations.
And I feel shame about not having many friends too.

I could listen Esther for hours ❤

Thank you very much for this talk!
I love the questions you answered.
One of the questions was about friendship between men and women.
I also think it is possible and also necessary. I would not say it is primarily or necessarily to go to and talk about your primary relationship. I think it can be just to share other interests that your primary partner maybe doesn’t have or exchange on any other topic.
Why not talk about your primary relationship, for some people and in some circumstances it can be quite ok, to me it is one of the topics about which you would think twice-to talk or not to. What to say and what not, how much and with whom to share. ..

This is helpful 🫶🏾🌺

Every thing you say is profoundly supportive and helpful with one exception (in my experience) that is if you say to someone “you hurt me and it’s beyond repair at this moment” is sending a mixed message that you might be willing to one day resolve things and that may keep someone hanging or give them false hope which is often a slow cruel way to make someone grieve the ending of a friendship.

really good❤

It's really hard to find real friendships. They come and go. Don't feel disappointed about it bc having 1 or 2 real friends can be enough. The rest you just enjoy it socializing as it is. And that's it. 😊

Love you Esther and you're wisdom 😊

Thank you for sharing this :-)

Wasnt this filmed and posted quite a while ago? It says one day ago, but ...???

I seldom reach out to make friends. All my friends approached me first. I was living in an apartment complex with 28 units (not large but not a 5/10 unit tight knit complex) for 28 years. I only talked to the super and didn’t know any neighbors. I moved to my retirement home 2 years ago. I talk to 2 neighbors (one next door, one across the street) and know 3 other neighbors but no regular contact. I am simply not comfortable to reach out. Thankfully I am self contained, happy to be at home not venturing out for a long time.

I don't know if you're still checking messages Esther, but I have one that I have noticed over time. If I invite people, they often come. A groups goes out for a night and I don't get an invitation, but if I invite them out with me, they will come. When I invite their kids over to play with mine, they send them. Yet, no invitation for my little guy to come there. There is basically zero reciprocity. I would think "it's just me" but it's now multi-generational!
Here is the hurtful bit: i feel invisible. Like when I'm in front of you, I'm "real." When I an not present, I vanish from people's imagination. it's more hurtful than it may sound at first.
I've gone round and round with this for years and it's rather wearing. I presume I have good social skills. People seem to enjoy me. I don't hear rumors. I just vanish
Anyone else?

It was really interesting video, thank you so much

So good to hear of you, Esther! Thank you.

I am listening while I sit with my cat and eat breakfast the morning after your talk and I am crying because everything hits so close to home! The older we get, the harder it seems to reach out to others yet it is vital that we do! You show us how to talk about real things and I am so thankful for that. ❤

Esther 2013 10 years ago sadly last. I come across as too strong I like and overshare too much. My favourite post ever from yours. Im a cis gendered biological gay male and choose to be single. I feed better on podcasts about friendships mental health for better living Thanks for being inspiring

I’m 60 this year
I was always very extroverted
I could make instant friendships especially with shyer people even if only for the length of the party or time they needed a friend

I am a trauma survivor from childhood til adulthood
Many many “friends” have betrayed, abused and/or rejected me
I’m told that I’m annoying, I’m criticised often many times unfairly
They give themselves permission to do this to me!

NOW I’m introverted
I trust just about nobody!
I stay away from people as much as I possibly can

I can’t open. Up to friends about ME.. it’s too much
Their eyes glaze over and I see them burdened by my stories

I’ve always accomplished “life” alone (even when surrounded by “friends”
I think I always will
Thanks for your videos

As a friend
Caring
Compassionate
Always there to help in practical ways and to listen hug or laugh
I’d do anything for my friends and they know it
I LOVE them ❤

I find it difficult to make friends because people always seem to put unspoken expectations on me and grow resentful when I can't live up to them.

Esther thank you for sharing this time Us, filled with beautiful insights and wisdom…Grateful 🌷

Thank you for your advice 🙂

I've noticed that as an adult I'm not as flexible on my boundaries. Meaning, I'm defending my personal boundaries more. I'm careful with my time, I'm careful who I spend my time with. I don't forget when people don't respect my time. So as a result, I cut people out of my life faster.

i wanna be your friend Esther 🥰🥰