Autism and the pursuit of perfection: My EXTREME growth mindset

Paul, is there any chance to get in direct contact with you? My husband just went in for a diagnosis and was basically called a faker and narcissist. The doc was biased and very rude towards both of us. So this is somewhat devastating. He wasn’t convinced that my husband has Aspergers, because he understand sarcasm, could understand certain complex things and claimed he would give examples, that one can Google. My husband, for example, told him that he used to know the tram network of Berlin by heart and had a hyper fixation on trains. For now, we won’t pursue a diagnosis, but we are still convinced that there is more to my husband, who always was special, besides being also gifted and “quirky”. Sending love from Germany.

Love this, Paul. I find so much value from your videos as a fellow aspie.

"...because they don't need to, because they don't want to". i am asking myself nearly every day "how tf are they even ABLE to not caring about self-improvement?! whats wrong with them?!" 😂😐😖

Thanks Paul. I didn't realise I too had the extreme growth mindset. And it has definitely caused unnecessary issues in my relationships many times. I don't think I fully realised how extreme this mindset of mine was until your video. I could never understand how people could be so passive or complacent, how people could be observers of life instead of participants. And I saw this as a big baffling issue, but I'm unlearning my binary thinking one day at a time. Sometimes it's good to observe the fruits of your labour, and sometimes what I think is right, isn't necessarily true for someone else, even if I know it might benefit them in the long run. We are all allowed our choices and mistakes, that doesn't make anyone else wrong or right, it's just life, it's just variety, it's free will.

Thanks for your authentic broadcasts. Always informative. Take it easy Paul 🙂

This made me angry. I'm at my best when I'm cultivating unfiltered growth mindset. I feel really unconfident when I'm conforming to social norms and avoid getting hated on. Honestly, I don't give a shit anymore if I'm perceived as an asshole. Fvck the world.

Yes! Every strength is also a weakness!

Why bother if it just OK right? Wasted enough time to put it in to more pointlessness

Great topic and discussion Paul! I'm learning so much from your experience and perspective. And it's amazing how just reading the title of your video hooks me in because it is exactly what I've been facing all these years without knowing the terms to it. So I faced the exact same situation today with a teammate trying to get him to see where we can improve and flourish and work out the kinks in our workflow, and he just took it negatively. Never thought that it would be perceived as criticism!

I have trouble with moderation. It's either dialed up to 11, or I just don't care. However, not caring doesn't dial down my perfectionism, I just get bored and depressed. So I need new challenges every once in a while, but I also need the time to see something all the way through. Life is rarely so accommodating, but it's good to know yourself in all situations. 'Cause that's life! Cheers y'all!

I’m so glad I found this channel, I’ve never felt like I can absolutely relate to so many things that I have been dragged for my entire life. This is literally life changing thank you so much Paul. 💖

What would the most ahead of there time researches about aspergers?

Is asperger different for a single child (no brother or sister)?

Thank you!

Heh. I have an extreme fixed minset and I forget to celebrate victories too. High trait neuroticism makes everything look hopeless, and high trait conscientiousness makes me a self critical perfectionist. But a perfectionist from a place of anxiety rather than just noticing room for improvement. I overdo my weaknesses and have trouble noticing my strengths. It's like I'm the opposite of you.
I hate my anxious temperament

This video is gold. Thank you. I understand to a ridiculous level with this and can be very top choice for everything. I find many things you have discussed or figured out i have to. Similar brains. Love your stuff.

Oh lord I got fired from two jobs from expressing improvements in this way. 🤦🏻

Very helpful Paul. I am going to share with my friends so they can better understand.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one. Great video!

I was recently diagnosed as a 27 year old. Thank you for raising awareness about the issue.

For me, I'm a perfectionist and it's something I want to change because for me it doesn't come from a healthy place. It goes along with a subconscious feeling of "I NEED/SHOULD achieve this or I'm not good enough." My perfectionism is associated with a lot of self-criticism to try to push myself to reach whatever standard I've set for myself. What I'm wanting to grow in, at this point in my life, is self-compassion. The lesson I'm trying to learn is that compassionate acceptance is not the opposite of growth. That it will be easier for me to grow in a sustainable and consistent way if I am much more gentle, encouraging, and celebratory with myself. Those are my experiences with this. I'm not autistic, so I don't know if your growth-mindset is different and less self-flagulating than my perfectionism. A fantastic thing to explore, though, and I wish everyone well on their life journey.

I relate to that a lot, and I've been thinking about this issue as well for the past few days. My growth mindset sometimes keeps me from allowing myself to enjoy certain things and accept them into my life because I feel that I'm not "ready yet", that I haven't prepared enough and it's not all perfect yet so I can't have it. It also definitely makes me critical towards people, and judgemental of them when they don't do things "up to my standards", even though of course, they aren't required to. And yes, I think it does distance people from me and gives the impression of arrogance. So I am working on allowing myself and things around me to just be as they are, to stop the researching and reading and trying so hard to improve. I'm trying to be kinder to other people, as well as to myself, and accept myself as I am right now.

Hey this is the story of an aspergers from India..

Today after watching this video I am 101 percent sure that I have aspergers. I have some self realisation

1. 90 percent of time my brain becomes stuck/overwhelmed due to n number of thought processing at one point of time.. So that I forgot who I am? I fee lost.. Struggle to keep track of my thinking/feelings
2. I can remember a lot of situation specially in the office where I feel so overwhelmed that I go to washroom to catch some breath/hold my head in a situation I know I can't handle myself.
3.I believe I am not able to understand the feeling of people if they are joking around/serious/ .. I always go very deep into the meaning of conversation with someone so I fail to crack the essence of the topic.
4. I feel most of the time I am very egoistic and can't take jokes etc.. Because I feel nobody is understanding me and my feelings.

5. I don't understand that nobody has the power to hurt me and most of the time they don't want to because they also have feelings.
6. I discovered that it is the fluctuations of emotions which are controling me like sudden joy/anger/jealousy/insecurity etc.
7. If someone's praise can't make me happy why should I worry if they scold me??
8. I believe mixing with kindhearted non aspie people making me understand jokes/more emotions/helping me to take quick decision etc.
9. Most vital thing in this condition is self hurting feelings which overflows all the time and being unnecessary critical of yourself thinking about how others will dislike me
10. I again believe that I have realized these things very late on my thirties which I should have realised probably in my teen age. I blame my condition/bad upbringing /lacknofself awareness for this late realisation..
11. MY GOAL IS TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD BETTER AND BE MORE EMPHATIC TOWARDS OTHERS...

Love ❤❤❤ to all

Anyway what video of your channel i'm watching so far i found myself in almost everyone.
So amazing and interesting! 😊
My biggest hobby and strenght is AI developement and at the same time i'm always pushing myself close to burnout cuz i like to code everything to look and work perfect.
I did not release anything for the last couple years cuz i always felt like its not good enough...
So this may has something to do with this topic.
Till today i wasn't aware of it... 😕

Your videos are truly incredible. I think this one has me shook 😳 😂 oh lordie... I might have to challenge myself to grow some more and learn about how to ease off my obsession with improvements! Such an insight! I am pushy! thank you for sharing this, it's so unique. I never heard anyone talk in this exact way, about this mindset. I thought I was the only one! 🤣💕💓

It's so helpful hearing you describe something I've struggled with so much in relationships. I used to finish jobs by immediately going over what I think we did wrong and it left everyone feeling deflated. I made a conscious decision to celebrate the things we did well before I talked about things I wanted to work on. It also helped me appreciate some of the things I was missing out on because I was always trying to do better. It also reminded me to tell people things I appreciated about them and the things they were doing. I realised I was assuming they knew and that was just wrong.

It still gets in the way of relationships because I have to fight the urge to "improve" how well we know each other, how to do more things better, how to analyse things we need to work on. Hearing you compare the two mindsets is very helpful for understanding things a bit better, thank you.

Wow, im the exact same! thank you for making this video!

It's 100% me. I suffered so much when I was a little kid and through adolescence because of that. Along the years I kind of learned to suppress that part of myself and tried to act more "normal". Stills difficult.

It's interesting, because even though the intention of growth is positive for sure, there is an element of "not good enough" within it
Two options were mentioned: 1. things are fixed and I can't change, and 2. things can be improved and I can change
And basically the third kinda option not mentioned is: I am good enough, and it's okay to be where I am without the need to focus on "improvement". So like, acceptance :) (not to be confused with apathy! or with lack of any change!)

Awww! So thoughtful and kind❤Good to remember we are all always enough by just being us and being content with that. Love the challenge of improving myself though!😄

Hey Paul. I'm subscribed to your channel, but this video never showed up for me, so I'm late to reply. I can relate to this SO much!!! In irony, my mother is also on the spectrum, and she pushed all 4 of her children very hard. Me being the only girl, she pushed really too hard sometimes. I can see that I am repeating this behavior in my own children because I see SO MUCH potential and have to be careful not to push to exasperation. I also push my employee in this way. Thank you for these reminders to use discernment!

perfection is non existence. by creating something, you protest against its shackles of lies; and that is when you grow. through your faults.

Im so happy that you have changed your vlog into autism from inside to asperger

"Maybe we can take a break......!" I laughed and laughed at myself. What a concept!!! Letting in other peoples perspectives as yet another means to growth. Thanks, Paul! Well explained, very clear.

I would they like to help out volunteering someway with this type of stuff but I did my styles different but hey for those of that can’t get it socializing like me to point I would have been the first Columbine then I got drunk and high and I realized it was me not everyone else dial just calm and nice and walked up into a group of people that would be cool with me everyone would say of course no not drugs and alcohol but yes drugs and alcohol we have a different type of brain we’re not as corruptible as others I hopefully drug and alcohol treatment will eventually be the same as Gary converse therapy gay conversion therapy is what I feel treatment centers are I did illegal drugs my whole life on 42 and they were still alive did shit fuck anyone over everybody said I was gonna be dying be brain dead by the time I was 30 and all them are homeless cracked out I’ve done crack lots of math 20 years of heavy drinking I don’t black out I remember going under anesthesia I mess with the nurses I remember my colonoscopies I had a doctor sit on my stomach stabbing a needle into my intestines an abscess before the nurses or anyone was there I was up off the table at the guys monitor looking at stuff with them I would even supposed to be awake yet or remember anything I remember deciding yeah that thermometer is fucking disgusting somebody touched it and it wasn’t washed but I really don’t want it up my ass again ice baths when I was four years old from hives I almost killed myselfAt eight or nine I still wonder around with a gun anyway in the desert in Arizona then told me that was part of can’t get to heaven if you kill yourself yet not that kind of just hesitated I wasn’t thrilled with the world a better plan if you couldn’t tell
and I like me in Columbine when I really been as memorable if it wasn’t for alcohol and drugs

My first thought listening to this was, "Wait everyone doesn't have this??" And the anxiety that started to build in my chest when you said "Maybe this is enough" .-.

One of my therapists challenged me to go into my studio and paint something mediocre. To not try to make it as good as it could possibly be. I hated that. I told her no effing way.

💜

I’ve been striving to find the balance between growing the things I feel I’m good at, but being ok with the things I’m not so good at.

Cool

I’ve always been my own competition. I don’t compare myself. I did recently realize my growth mindset is on the extreme side, which can be draining to those closest to me. Something I really need to work on 😬

Will this have influence on the effectiveness of using job interview micro expression analysis software. Like Hirevue?

Enough❤

This is me, omg so good to hear its not just me

It's wild how 'seemingly' obvious this may be but totally missed it

Im idealistic but i learned to love finding a precise balance between accepting and changing.... and knowing i am a dynamic being meaning change is an essential part part of who i am as a being in this dimension. But we can only try to evolve when we have the resources. i recently realized that i was born with resources that society didnt prepare me for.