Covert Narcissists COUNTER-PARENT Instead of Co-Parent

My ex husband did exactly that when we got divorced it was terrible

Mine is loved in the entire community, but we’ve not had a friend of his over for 4 yrs. They don’t bond with anyone.

The ironic thing here is that these people are viewed as subhuman.

When you get 3 deep sighs from me in 12 min... very much helping me understand why people did things

This is exactly what I’m going through right now. It’s so scary.

So is it better that I keep the child away from the parent. Or will the child grow up and resent me because I wanted to keep them away from the other parent.

You discribe my Ex-wife to a T. She now lives alone, in her house with, her Social good apperence and, our son wants nothing to do with her. She has her friends and family believing that I and my son are the bad ones. My son and I couldn't really give a flying F what they all think.

Is it counterparenting if you feel you have to compensate for the other parent being overly strict and restrictive? I do my best to maintain and keep the important structural elements but I am sometimes a bit overly permissive of screen time, video games, and sweets because their mom doesn’t allow or rarely allows any of these things during the 80% of time my kids are with her.

My ex controls the kids’ college - uses that power to manipulate .

I'm in a co-parenting custody order with a covert narcissist. My daughter's are currently 5 and 7 years old. I regret being so brainwashed, blind, delusional and ignorant for so long.. Above all I regret bringing 2 babies into the world and to have to be forced to expose them to a closet abuser. My daughter's deserve a better father figure. Unfortunately, he knows what not to do in order to not lose his parental rights. He also does everything possible to push the limits of his power over our children and I. I have to live with this regret for the rest of my life. Trying to find a positive in so much negativity has been difficult, so has been healing from years of abuse. My ex continues to gaslight me, disrespect me and talk badly about me to the court, to his ever-changing victims and my daughter's. I've tried presenting video evidence of his unhinged outbursts and mental instabilities but the court does nothing because he's not physically abusing our daughter's in front of me or breaking the custody agreement. Instead he hurts them in ways that don't leave visible marks. Mental abuse should be taken seriously by the court but because it's not leaving bruises it's not considered abuse. I feel so helpless. I wish I could turn back time. My innocent daughter's are the real victims in this toxic mess. I only have myself to blame. I hope my daughter's can find it in their hearts to forgive me someday for all of the suffering they endured because of my terrible decisions.

I genuinely thought I was in love then we had a baby and the control games began. I didn't do much but everyone said I was the problem and months later still can't see my daughter. She won't even send me a picture.

We are going through a custody battle and I mean they are doing everything in their power to blame me for everything! And I mean everything!!! They said I have guns, I have a toxic, I was stalking them (I was in a different state not even near them), I was leaving random Google numbers on their doors. I mean they have pulled every stop you can think of and it wasn't until I said I know what I'm dealing with that I understood just wth was going on.

Im so confused by my last relationship. I havr a child with someone that appears to be a dismissive avoidant but acts like a covert narcissist. Now im thinking im the narcissist because ive acted in ways that have been expressed here.

I have 3 kids with my covert narc ex. She spent 2 years before the divorce trying to alienate my oldest daughter from me by secretly telling her that I was to blame for our marriage problems. During the divorce, I got my daughter into counseling and we got her unbrainwashed. After the divorce, all 3 of my kids witness our two homes - mom's home is still full of fighting, chaos, and neglect while dad's home is full of peace, love, and caring. And because of that, they see the truth about who is who. It's as simple as a tale of two homes! But even though she can't fool the kids anymore, that doesn't stop covert narc mom from trying to convince the rest of the world that she is the victim and I'm the bad guy. Even though my kids know the truth, it's still very hard on the kids. Their wish their mom would/could change. I wished that too, but after 15 years of counseling I came to the realization that my covert narc would never change for the better. In fact, as she gets older, she is getting worse. It's heartbreaking.

There are also additional reasons women may not leave, as the spouse may be financially abused, gaslit that they are the issue if they fight back, and if the children have severe disabilities... how possible is it to live supported independent lives in the current capitalist, patriarcal system that does not recognise (womens) care work or dependency - living without money and with dependent and high needs children...which womens shelter is set up for the needs of children with significant disabilities/and or behavioural issues?

Psychologists are dangerous.

That would be rather short-sighted :))

My situation has elements of what your saying, but almost inside out.
She narcissistic/toxic/other no matter end of the day. She tried to get various support including taking my kids away from me.

There are plenty examples of neglect on her part yet she has the kids convinced I am the bad guy. This has been a slow conversion since the divorce.

I make every effort to be involved and look forward to my days with my kids and it's being eroded.

I don’t always think that my childs father does have close friends surprisingly im not sure but somehow it may not apply to every narcissist. Sometimes I heard them say don’t do that or if he’s wrong but they still are friends with him maybe they are flying monkeys idk I could be wrong but people know in his family sometimes when he is wrong

You have described everything I’ve been experiencing from my ex girlfriend/baby mama perfectly, especially because she’s trying to do everything she can in court to keep me out of our son’s life

MANY comments talk about narcissistic men. I can fully understand this can be the case, for sure. I just want the men out there to realize it's JUST as likely that a woman is a narcissist too. Also I want everyone to know that in my very experienced opinion, it is the COVERT narcissists that are FAR worse to deal with. The reason is that they hide it all so well. The overt narcs are MUCH easier to spot, particularly for others to see it too. The covert ones, have HORDES of what they call "flying monkeys", which blindly follow and believe the covert narcs. This is because the covert narcs are often super-successful socially. They can charm anyone quickly. This makes all manner of people have their guard down VERY quickly. Then the stressed out and basically nervous victim appears unreliable and therefore wrong. This is just plain old social psychology. It is one HUGE reason I, and many other victims of narcs are viewed by the general population as "sketchy" or something like that. It's like a dog that has been abused can look angry and nervous and "sketchy." It's basically the same thing. Then others try to assess the two "stories" or people quickly. They OFTEN see the charming narc as the "stable" and correct one. Meanwhile the frayed victim is constantly trying to explain themselves, etc. It's a REALLY, REALLY sucky reality of all this stuff.

Had smear campaigns throughout our 24 year marriage. I stayed until my daughter was 18 because I knew I would have lost her. Throughout I had counseling, got educated and lived in a bubble socially and even in my house. 7 years after the divorce, he’s hoovering, approaching my friends, former counselors etc. I educate everybody around me not to divulge any type of data about me. He’s tried it all. I don’t communicate with him no matter what. He will never change.

😢

The last thing you need to be doing is playing a game of sabotage , death match around anyone vulnerable, especially kids....and yet it's normalized, that kids are brainwashed to the point where they participate in the cuttting off of potentially safer caregivers because money talks and fuels lies among other toxic behaviour right into the gates of hell.Thanks Ross.❤

Ugh .. such good info but the sound quality is shit.

Wow!! You just described my life (45yo) with my dad and mom. He made it where she was too afraid and beat down to leave. They are in their 70's and she cries and fights w him everyday.. hurt over the affairs and lies . Omg the lies.. even to this day.. his memory is starting to go now tho and slipping up.. best one this year was him telling me his tax lady gave him an item for free bc he's been doing business w her so long... forgetting that I had done their taxes for the last 7 yrs.. nothing is ever the truth bc that would allow one to enter too close to him ... he's played w my mother's head until she literally can't even think straight to talk, drive, use the phone.. she has to have him assist her in everything .. it's literally like her brain is fried.. no drugs or alcohol w either .. that would ruin the perfect image ... It won't be long before having to deal w him having power over her medical health.. he comes home everyday with cakes, cookies, candies and eats none.. he knows my mother will tho.. she did find braveness 2 yrs ago and left him and went to another state to her bro's and was talking to a high-school sweetheart.. she came back a few months later bc she felt she was burdening them and she was bc she will talk only abt her abuse and abuser 24/7.. it will drive anyone crazy.. he has offered her an avenue to eat herself to death.. she's hooked and sinking.. she having all kind of health problems.. many months before she left him she came to my house to stay .. he threatened her if she didn't go back home.. I stepped in and let everything I've ever felt abt him out .. 2 days of writing and crying .. going back to a painful childhood .. let him know everything I felt and who I saw and know him to be.. so many words I said for a very vague pitty me response.. no true apologies.. I did get "sorry u feel that way".. and he did not talk to me for over 6 months .. I texted him here n there w no response.. he did not start talking to me until my mother left state and he needed me finding out info on her.. during those 6mo I went thru the hardest time of my 40 something yrs of life dealing w my 1st grandbaby.. I wanted to die.. many of days I didn't get out the bed.. seriously contemplated suicide.. he nvr checked on me once... I take that back, i had gotten Xanax from a friend and was taking those for a short span of 4 days to stay sleeping so I didn't have to face reality.. those 4 days happened to be over Easter holiday so ppl were trying to get in touch with me .. some coming to my home knocking but I nvr heard it.. so they started calling my parents to see if they heard from me.. he came to my house and beat on my window.. I answered the door, hadn't seen or heard from him in 2-3 months at this point.. I could barely walk, stumbling into walls, eyes swollen shut from crying.. he asked what i had taken, he said ppl thought I was dead in here, and tried hugging me, I pushed away and started crying telling him to leave over n over.. he was gone within 2 mins .. never heard from him again until he showed up to my house with money and needing to find out if my mother was getting a lawyer.. I later reviewed cam footage of him coming over that day.. it was heartbreaking the amount of hurt I was carrying.. I could nvr imagine leaving my child in that state of mind.. wow I can't believe I just let all that out.. guess I needed to release.. if u made it this far, thank you

Document EVERYTHING you can through Police, bodycams
And text... don't move until you have a pile of evidence!

"they know that their inner selves REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT OTHERS"... people that's it right there! I believe them to be LESS THAN HUMAN. They process like animals, not like humans!

Thank you for this video. This has given me a better, much better understanding of what my precious son is going through. And yes, there is a child involved. I can't tell you how many tears i have shed over this whole situation!!!

Can be multigenerational. Father and then husband. And when they bans together to gaslight and scapegoat the daughter/wife is so destructive.

🌅⚔️ WHY I HAVE HAD TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS WITH MY MOTHER WHILE SHE HAS BEEN IN CONTROL OF CABELLA. SCARY DANGEROUS SITUATION

There's a hell of a lot more to it than just loneliness and codependency. There's also the very real threat of false allegations of child abuse and domestic violence. It would take a book to cover all the nuanced ways they go about ensuring they have everything in place they'll have the most custody possible and you will have the least and then they end up with a reliable monthly income supplement AKA child support.

I was convinced my wife loved her kids more than life itself, I was convinced as well as everybody else in her family and acquaintances that her ex and his girlfriend were horribly abusive. It wasn't until she went from sole custody to only having supervised visitation that her true colors started to show. Over a year and a half later she hasn't even taking the orientation at the supervised visitation place. She discarded her kids like they meant nothing to her because they didn't mean anything to her, but that's how good of an actress she was.

This is the overly simplified version, but yes even when you're ready to finally leave and give up. Doing so comes at a great cost typically for men or women. Because the narcissist/ apd went into the relationship in the beginning knowing they needed to gather as much evidence is possible and create as many situations as possible to be able to point the finger and say "you're the abuser not me". And it's going to take years in tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars prove them wrong because you're constantly playing catch up. Unless you get lucky like I did, my saving Grace was my mother-in-law passed away and my wife spiraled out of control got addicted to meth and two long years later everyone is finally able to see her for who she really is. Otherwise I very well could be in prison today for things I never did or at the very least my reputation would be irreparable. I ended up with all of her notebooks and I don't really even want to talk about what kind of abuse she was planning on fabricating against me. I had to move 2 hours away during this process put distance between her and I. One last thing as it turns out about half of the abuses she accused her ex of doing, she in fact was doing herself. So yes loneliness is part of it, the other part of it is that it comes with great risk to leave. Especially if you have a child in common. Trust me, loneliness was the least of my damn worries

What a pity this information has not been available in the past I would have been more prepared for what l eas going to encounter as well as the betrayal l endured from my extended family members

But they don't care sbout the children

This is my mother who did whatever she could to desroy me when l rsn away from my violent ex She eas a really wicked woman At least my children knew what he was like

(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Children Ollwaves Set Us Up Unintentionally to make us feel the Exact Same way that wee have been making them feel They r a mirror focus on what eu can do differently to change the way that eu now knoe that eu r making them feel instead of asking the Reflection in the mirror to change

I didn't even know this was a thing until a year ago. Ironically, it was my wife talking about Jada Smith and her narcissism that clued me in. My wife talking about Jada being a narc helped me realize that my wife was a covert narcissist! Lol, she's responsible for cluing me into her behavior! Unfortunately, we've been married almost 27 years so the damage is way past done to the marriage, and to our children. This hidden demon has destroyed my sons also. And be very careful of the ones in churches, they are THE WORST!

I wasn't afraid to tell the truth about my narcissistic husband, I wasn't afraid to be alone and without him, for sure. I was afraid he would turn our three kids into him, and when I did finally leave, when the kids were older... It happened. I've never been talked to by anyone so terribly as my young adult kids talk to me. They're all suffering, as well. They all are in pain. I wish I knew what to do to help them. I think about exposing his coercive abuse to the kids so they can get help and know that they are decent humans. I'm really in pain every day thinking about their pain.

My mom raised us after screwing up our relationship with our dad. She never cared for us. Then she encouraged me to marry a narcissist. He was horrible to me. I finally left him after 10 years and he manipulated the entire situation so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. He took everything. I went back to my mom’s and realized she was exactly like him. She never cared about us. My ex never cared about the kids. I suffer everyday. My kids suffer everyday. I hate this world.

I was married to one for 22yrs. She has turned 3 of our 4 children against me and against my family. We share custody, she refuses to tell me anything about where they go to school, activities their in etc. It took some work but I get all that info now. She has been found in contempt of court and fined, next time is jail. A couple weeks ago she didnt show up at all with the kids when it was my weekend. I waited for an hr at the meeting point, texted her and no answer. Later that evening she said she forgot.
My youngest son who is 20 hasn’t spoken to me for 2yrs. I hired GAL which helped me with the horrible accusations she levied against me. At the end of it the kids are still loyal to her. I never have bad mouthed their mom to them or in front of them and I wont. Now i just document everything and we will see. It seems nothing you do will change them, the mask coming off, all bad dont do it, I did and it was a big mistake. I just hope the kids see some day who has the issues and who doesnt. It is very hard and sad.

My narc stepdad turned our bio mom against us. It was us kids against them. "We'll be together for life, you kids are out when you're 18". Every time she tried to stick up for us or help us get a start in life he shut it down. Its been 11 years since i left and he's still a lying cheating SOB, us kids have been warned by his mistresses and try to warn our mom and she blows up at us cuz she's in full denial

Self promotion

That was outstanding.

I've been thru this my ex and his whole family turned my kids against me it's absolutely the most horrific and heartbreaking experience my ex's narcissistic abuse was bad enough but now him turning my kids against me is unbearable

Damn this video was amazing

When they feel threatened they will do the unthinkable and go for the throat by brainwashing their own child into believing you are an unfit parent that will hurt them therefore they need to be protected from you. They will ensure everyone involved (the husband, his parents) to believe it. By the time you figure it out and go to warn, they tell you youre crazy or obsessed, youre living in the past, get over it, you need help. You are the only one who sees the truth. It is sheer hell. Its sick beyond words. My granddaughter has been hit too...when she was 7, she went through a phase she didnt want anything to do with me. There was nothing to back it. It broke me. Its okay now, but what did that do to her? My child, my family is being abused and I'm watching helplessly. No word except hell comes close. The more I try, the worse I look. Its so sick and twisted. Evil at the highest level. I turned to God, this is too big and Hes the only one I believe that can turn this around.

I am going through this now. Its a nightmare

Sounds like my ex, story telling!!